On Creativity

I woke up in a so-so mood, but by the time I was singing "Oh, Darling" and "Something" in the shower, my mood had greatly improved. The Beatles wrote some excellent shower singing material, just in case you were wondering. (I know you were.)

I stayed up til 1:30 last night crocheting baby hats for an old boss of mine. I am a creative person, but I also have A.D.D. so this has been greatly detrimental to my creative career. Through the years, I've cross-stitched, crocheted, knitted, beaded, painted, decoupaged, sequinned, sewn, glued (you get the idea) countless projects. I remember sitting for hours in the living room floor with a bag of scrap material my Mom had and making clothes for my Barbies. I crocheted and knitted countless blankets and outfits for my baby dolls. If I didn't have something, I made it. To this day if I see something at the mall that I want but I can make it, I go home and just make it myself.

I would love to someday have a shop on etsy and sell my crazy creations but I'm undecided. I don't want to get burned out on it. If it's a job, then it's not fun anymore... but at the same time, I WANT to do it! My brain is bursting with ideas!!!

So yet again, I have something to ponder and blow out of porportion. (My imagination has a great way of taking me from starting out to booming business to bankrupcy in .5 seconds.)

I really am trying to just sloooowwww down and enjoy every day as it presents itself. I think that's the number one thing that God is trying to drill into my head right now. Why am I in such a hurry? I have no clear directive, so I'm running in circles at a manic pace!

Bleh!

(Am I making you tired yet?)

I've just been full of insane energy today! (Which is cool...) I've been dancing around and singing all day. I like letting my silly side out. I don't do that often, but it makes me happy when I do.

Here's a link to one of the songs I've been dancing around to today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhCh-ZMgkWE

Yeah. Dare you to not tap your toes to that one...

If happy people annoy you, you might want to avoid me today.

Excited and Terrified

First off, let me say something. In my blog about Christmas, I edited out a paragraph that went something like this:

"I always find myself comparing Christmases to 2004. I don't know why, but that has just always been the 'epic' Christmas that I always compare to. It was my first Christmas with a boyfriend, and I had new friends from church. I always get sad this time of year because nothing will ever live up to that. I'm obviously not with the boy anymore and out of all those friends, only 2 still talk to me..."

That being said, let me just tell you that unlike the rest of 2010, this Christmas

BLEW EVERY OTHER CHRISTMAS (so far) OUT OF THE WATER!!!

Yes. It was THAT epic. I was up till at LEAST 4:30am every night of my break. Two of those nights involved manic games of "Trouble" with my brother and Nate (Brant even got in on the action Christmas night). There were Ihop trips, drives (complete with emergency stops at random gas stations in Goddard and me having to pee so bad that I use the mens bathroom), eating out, ice skating, shopping, my parents actually eating an unscheduled meal at Ihop with Willie and I on Christmas Eve, looking at Christmas lights, watching "It's a Wonderful Life", listening to lots of music, being at Dillons Marketplace in front of the fire talking until employees came over and started to creep us out (around 2am), breakfast with everyone yesterday morning (Brant and Nate crashed in the basement the night before), being at Grandma's for Christmas Day... Of course I'm jumping around and of course I'm either forgetting or leaving some things out, but what I want to say is that I'm incredibly thankful for everyone I spent my break with. (BFF's AND family.) It was nice to get out of town and live for once. I think I'm finally starting to come out of my shell and live a bit and I think I like it! (I KNOW I do.)

With all that of that fun stuff happening in a matter of 72 hrs, you can imagine that the trip home was kind of a downer, but still hopeful. It was one of those "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." things. (Thank you, Dr. Seuss.) It was just that I wanted it to KEEP GOING!!! I tend to be kind of pessimistic about friendships at times. Kind of like "Oh! This was so much fun! It's never gonna happen again..."

*Cue Debbie Downer Wa-wa's*

It IS going to happen again.

I've got to stop basing things on past experience and tear down some of those walls! Good grief! I have got to stop thinking that people won't like me if I show my true self. I have to quit being paranoid about that. There are plenty of people who do like me and I need to concentrate on them instead of trying to prove something to those who don't!

I was driving and listening to the new CD I got for Christmas ("Albertine" by Brooke Fraser. Go get it NOW!) and I was just thinking about everything God brought me through this year. I have hated this year...a lot. (and '08, and '09... haha) I don't know what it is, but I just feel like 2011 is going to be a very good year for me.

I was just outside of Newton and I heard the words

"For we, we are not long here

Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it

And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know You

Hope is coming for me

Hope, He's coming"

When it got to the "Hope is coming for me, hope is coming for me" part, I just started bawling!

I have zero clue what's coming up for me in my life, but I am ready for a change. I'm sick of doing what's comfortable. I want what God has for my life. Not what I want, but what HE truly wants. I feel like it's gonna be big and the prospect of that is terrifying. In the past, I've always told God "Do what you want with my life, but keep me or put me here, at this time, and do this, and make sure it includes a husband and babies."

I am SOOOOOOO over that!!!

I'm in "Show me what You want. Do what You will" mode. I don't even care about the husband and babies at this point! (*cue the faints*) I know it's gonna hurt to be stretched, but I'd rather risk that than wait for rigor mortis to set in.

All of that to say that my goal for the new year (and the rest of December) is to lighten up, stop being so dang negative, find out what my passion in life is, and stop being paralyzed by fear.

I can't wait!!!

On Christmas

When you're a kid, you just can't get enough of Christmas. The toys! The TV specials! The traditions! SANTAAA!!!

The Sunday edition of the Wichita Eagle comes out and you make a beeline for the comics and the Toys-R-Us insert.

"Oh my goodness. What COULDN'T I do with a Barbie dream house? The possibilities are ENDLESS! I could spend hours with it and have my friends over and achieve happiness of the highest levels..."

When I was REALLY little, I remember being incredibly concerned. We lived in a mobile home until I was 7 years old, and on TV, Santa always came down the chimney! Clearly, we had no chimney. How was I supposed to get my presents? Every year I would express my concerns to my parents.

"How is Santa going to get my presents to me?!?!?"

"Did you get your presents last year?"

"Yes."

"Santa will get them here this year too."

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! WE DON'T HAVE A CHIMNEY!!!" (I was 3 years old, mind you.)

"We'll leave Santa a key, and he'll get in. Trust us."

OK. Phew. Crisis solved.

That year, when I came out of my bedroom there was a play table and chairs, a set of dishes, and a doll with a highchair that clipped to the table and it was all set up. (The doll was Julie, the "Buck toothed doll" as Papa liked to call her. Thanks, Papa.) I think my parents still have a picture of my face. I was highly impressed that year. Santa was goooood. No chimney and he STILL managed to get my toys to me. And he even knew what I wanted. How DID he do it?

The next year, we were in Texas with my Mom's family for Christmas. I was watching the "Santa Report" on TV on Christmas Eve and according to the radar, he was gonna be there pretty soon. Mom was giving Willie a bath and she was simply NOT doing it fast enough.

"MOOOOOMMMM!!! HE'S ALMOST HERE!!!!!!"

"Katie, he won't get here until you're asleep."

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! THE RADAR SAYS HE'S GONNA BE HERE SOON! IF I'M NOT ASLEEP, I WON'T GET ANY PRESENTS!!!!!"

"Katie. I can't hurry up with your brother's bath if you keep bothering me. Relax. Santa will come."

I huffed off and kept my pacing to the living room and bedroom until she was done.

Santa did come that year. But in my mind it was a close call.

There are countless other memories from my childhood Christmases. The year I wanted a Barbie power wheels convertible but I never got it because Santa "Couldn't get it into the house", the year our youth pastor told us there wasn't a Santa Claus, but I had to keep up the charade for Willie, when I was 13 and I got my first stereo (The first one that was all new and all MINE!)... The list goes on and on.

Then you "grow up" (allegedly) and it's still special, but not like it used to be.

I look at Christmas and I get sad because of what I don't have. It's not at all what I thought "grown up Christmases" were like. Now instead of happiness, I just feel stressed around the holidays. I still go to bed at 9 o'clock on Christmas Eve (at Mom and Dad's) so Santa will come. I wake up next to Cordy, I go to the living room and open gifts with the family. We get ready and head over to Grandma's to eat and hang out with the family. We go home, eat leftovers, watch a movie and go to bed.

What on earth do I have to be sad about? There are people all over the place who would kill to have what I do on Christmas! I have a warm place to sleep on Christmas Eve, I have a wonderful loving family to spend the day with, and I have food to eat!

I have completely taken Christmas out of context. It isn't about ANY of the above! It's not about food, family, and gifts! It's not about Santa or Christmas carols. (Even though all those things are very nice.) You would think I would know this since I was raised in church and all.

I was raised to know that God sent His Son to earth to be born of a virgin and He was born in a stable and He slept in a manger. It all sounds so textbook, but it couldn't be anything farther from normal!

I've read the story over and over. But this year, the magnitude of that situation finally struck me. Can you imagine being a young virgin engaged to a carpenter and being visited by an angel who tells you that not only are you going to get pregnant, but you're going to deliver the Son of God? What is Joseph going to think? What about her parents? Everyone in town?

They must've thought she was mental.

Even after you get past all that, you still have the logistics of the situation. You have to get on a donkey and travel a great distance, only to be told there is no room for you other than a stable. You're going to deliver your precious baby by yourself and lay him where the animals eat their dinner.

We read this story like it's a cute little fairytale, all clean and tidy and nice, but it wasn't.

It was messy.

It was impossible.

It was more than likely very smelly and disgusting.

But God had it all under control. He kept them from harm.

Was it uncomfortable?

More than likely.

Was it difficult?

I'm sure.

But God kept them safe.

Things can look bleak, and crazy and there's a great possibility for discomfort. (In fact, that's highly likely.) But it's all part of a bigger plan.

"And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men." Luke 2:10-14 (KJV)

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

Sleep Deprivation and Friendship

"It's a beautiful day! The birds are swaying, the trees are singing..."

Dylan Moran, I luff yew.

I think I'm extra loopy due to lack of sleep. But I'll take loopy over depressio any day.

Well, I was semi loopy yesterday. (Aka, just being me...how I used to be...all the time.) But today will probably be the loopiest.

I went to see "Tron: Legacy" last night. In 3D. At the new Imax in Wichita. With Willie. And Nate. And Bryce. And Josh. (I did the same thing with "Avatar" last year, except it was with Willie. And Matthew. And Josh M. And Soma. My life has made zero progression in a year...)

It was a lovely movie. Visually stunning. Lots of action. I'm not gonna lie though, Michael Sheen creeped me the hail out. I was all "Oh! I hear Michael Sh... OH MY GAWSH!!! NOT OKAY!!!"

Dear Michael Sheen,
In the future, please play nice characters that won't freak me out in Imax. Thank you in advance.
Much Love,
Me

We went to the 10 o'clock showing, so I didn't get back home until 2:30. I'm a tad on the tired side, but it was worth it. I love going to Wichita and hanging out. Some days I wish I lived down there.... but sometimes I'm glad there's a 60 mile buffer.

OK. Now, onto something substantial instead of me blabbing about friends and movies.

Lyle just brought me a chocolate long john! Awww!

OK, now onto something substantial.

This morning, I was still wrestling with leftover hurts and I was reminded of this scripture:

"God is not a man, one given to lies,
and not a son of man changing his mind.
Does he speak and not do what he says?
Does he promise and not come through?" Numbers 23:19 (The Message)

Maybe I'm the only person who does this, but I seem to lump God in with any person of authority, or any guy that has ever hurt me. I tend to think He's going to do what they've done to me.

He's gonna say one thing, and then do another.

He's gonna use me and then throw me away.

He's gonna get what He wants, keep me around and humor me for a bit, then say "See ya!"

He's gonna say things and make fun of me like He's embarrassed of me.

Why do I think this? There are absolutely no scriptures to substantiate these claims.

Maybe it's because the Bible presents God as a friend. (Proverbs 18:24 b) We've all had friends who've screwed us over, so we put Him in that boat.

But He's not like that.

He's our friend, but He's also our Creator. The One who gave us life. Our Savior. Our King.

Where's the line between "Hey, God, ol' buddy ol' pal!" and falling flat on your face in awe of Him?

I tend to err on the side of "Hey! Jesus! Let's go to do this together!!!" and I don't put enough importance on loving Him as He wants to be loved, and giving Him the praise He deserves. He is a jealous God.

I don't know about anyone else, but I hate being jealous. But I am. I can fly into a rage over someone mentioning someone else in a text message. (OK, maybe not a rage. But I can feel pretty crappy about myself.) It's dumb. I know. But if I react like that, I can only imagine how God feels with us. We are the worst of friends and children.

We say we're gonna do one thing, and do another.

We use Him and then throw Him away.

We get what we want out of Him, keep Him around, humor Him a bit, then say "See ya!"

We say things and make fun of Him like we're embarrassed of Him.

We expect all good things from Him, but we give Him nothing good in return.

I think I've got some work to do.

Eureka

(WARNING: This is probably going to be more of the same old same old. It's gonna be all over the place...again. But that's how my brain operates. My bad.)

I seriously gotta stop having weekends. They make me think too much and they make me feel like a psycho person!!! (This is different how???)

I spent all day Saturday close to a weepy mess. All. Day. I was slightly happy, then I'd get down again. Slightly happy, then wanting to beat someone. All. Day.

Once again, the cause? Relationships. Or lack of relationships. Or a complete lack of decision on the subject.

I found myself being sucked into one of those "You're my friend, but I might like you as more than a friend, and you might like me as more than a friend, but upon closer inspection you don't like me as more than a friend, so that makes me not like you like that and you're talking about other girls and you're making me mad because I don't want you to want them, I want you to want me, but I don't really want you to want me, I just don't want you to want anyone else" relationships.

Yeah. One of those. (Don't roll your eyes at me, you know exactly what I'm talking about!)

The thing is, why can't you make your feelings match what you know? For example: "I know I don't want to be with you, I know we would kill each other, but I feel like I wanna try."

No. I really don't. It would be a bloodbath.

"You don't love me. You love the idea of me."

Eureka.

I love the idea of someone to cuddle with. I love the idea of not having to sleep alone. I love the idea of having someone to go places with. I love the idea of having someone who wants to kiss me.

But that's where it stops.

I want the hard candy shell, but I'm not ready for the soft center.

I want the outward appearances and actions, but I'm not ready for the core. I'm not ready for someone to know me like that again. (Even though I'm pretty sure the ex didn't have a clue about me.)

"You try too hard."

He's right, and I hate him for it.

I'm sick of trying so hard to make people like me or want me. I want someone who just likes me or wants me for who I am. (The good stuff, and the messy stuff at the same time.)

There is Someone who does love me, more than anyone on earth ever will. But for some reason, I can't even convince myself that He loves me.

I'm terrible to Him.

He still loves me.

I keep looking for someone else.

He still loves me.

I keep trying to fill myself with almost anything but Him.

He still loves me.

He's the last person on my mind.

He still loves me.

I keep trying to live up to His standards and follow His rules so He will love me, but not only is it futile, it is unnecessary.

He always loves me.

He saves me. He redeems me. He takes care of me. He takes away every bad thing I've done...

But I have to let go of it first.

He is my Savior, He's right here, and I just look around Him.

I still keep trying to do this on my own. I think I can save myself.

Answer me this: Why is the thought of doing it myself easier to deal with than the thought of handing it over to Him?

I read this verse this morning:

"So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!" Romans 8:12-14 (The Message)

I love how I think that I'm the only person who has ever had or will ever have this problem. Paul only wrote that 1,955(ish) years ago.

I also read this gem last night:

"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life." 1 Corinthians 7:17a (The Message)

Where I am right now is God's place for me. That is both comforting and terrifying, humbling and hard to swallow all at the same time.

I just have to give up and let Him in.

(Btw, I know this sounds all depressing, but I really couldn't be in a better mood today!!!)

Found

I came across this quote yesterday... after I had ranted.

"It's just that for so many people I know, Christianity's this matter of...it has everything to do with morals. Christianity is a religion about morals. And they will even talk about Jesus. And they will say kids need to know about Jesus so they won't smoke, drink, or dance, or go with girls who do, and all that kind of thing. And I kinda go, 'That's not why people need to know about Jesus. The only reason-- the only possible excuse for talking about Jesus is because we need a Savior."

Thank you, once again, Rich Mullins. I have a feeling we would've been good friends. I spent a whole blog entry blabbing on and on about something that you summed up in a couple of sentences.

As crummily (Word? Yes.) as yesterday started, it got much better.

The floodgates opened, and I felt lots of love from lots of people. My cousin sent me a poem that he'd read on a friend's facebook and it just floored me. It expressed everything I felt and more. (I'll have to send him a message and ask permission to share it here. It is truly incredible.)

Then, something even cooler happened.

The whole thing that set me off in the first place yesterday morning was a health issue. I haven't had health insurance for a year and basically I don't go to the doctor unless I'm dying. I had something come up the first part of November and I basically just prayed that it would go away and tried OTC stuff to treat it. It's gotten worse, and I don't have the money to go to the doctor. I was just miserable physically and emotionally. "Where's my miracle, God? I hear all these miraculous healing stories. Where's mine?" (Selfish, I know. I'm not proud of it.) I called the doctor's office and instead of asking for an appointment, I heard this come out of my mouth: "I think I have _____. Can he call me something in for that?". "You dummy. Why did you ask that?" I thought to myself. "Oh well. It's worth a shot." They said they'd call me back.

I called my Mom and asked "Um, I just called the doctor's office and asked them to call me in something. Can you pray that they'll do that so I won't have to go for a visit?"

"Honey, they don't usually do that. You're gonna have to go see them. I hate that you don't have insurance. You need a job that gives you health insura..."

"I know, Mom. But could you pray? Please?"

"Yes. I'll pray for you."

She texted me around 11:30 to see if I'd heard anything and I said no. In addition to my discouragement, I was starting to feel uncomfortable.

I finally got a call around 1:30. I took a deep breath. "Katie? This is Amy with Dr. _____ Office. We called you something in to Dillon's pharmacy..."

I didn't hear anything after that. I was speechless. I'm assuming I thanked her before I hung up. I then called the pharmacy to see if it was ready and to see how much the prescription was. It was ready and.... wait for it.....it was $4.00.

It was all I could do to hold back my tears until I made it to my car.

Yesterday was a giant bear hug. A hug that this selfish little girl really didn't deserve.

"The LORD is compassionate and merciful,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
He will not constantly accuse us,
nor remain angry forever.
He does not punish us for all our sins;
he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
For his unfailing love towards those who love him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
He has removed our sins as far from us
as the east is from the west.
The LORD is like a father to his children,
tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
For he knows how weak we are;
he remembers we are only dust." Psalm 103:8-14 (NLT)

P.S. Please pray for a friend of mine.

Hard To Get

I don't even reeeally know what to write today. I have no answers to anything I'm going through right now.

My Mom told me to put God first this morning. That's what I've been TRYING to do!

"You make it sound so easy!" I said. "You make it sound like if you put God first, you'll be skipping through a meadow for the rest of your life! That's not the case!"

I've tried and tried. I did a good job for awhile. I had tried waiting on God and He wasn't doing things fast enough, so I when I was younger, I took matters into my own hands.

Bad move. (And I'll be the first to admit that one.)

What I take issue with is people acting like giving things to God is as easy as apple pie.

"I hate my life."

"Give it to God!"

"Um...ok... but I still hate my life..."

They pretend that there's not any emotion. Did you forget what it is like to be lower than low? Can you just identify with me where I'm at right now? Yeah, I'm not a good kid, but I'm not the worst either. (I'm not saying this about my Mom, because she helped me a lot this morning, I'm saying this about a lot of Christian adults in general.)

Did they forget what it was like to feel this way? To be sad, young(ish), single, horny, and wanting to belong somewhere or with someone? (And don't give me the whole "You belong with God! He loves you!" argument. I know that. I'm talking physical person. I'm getting the frustration out!)

They act like there's just some magical switch that you can flip and all the bad feelings go away. If you have these feelings, you're a bad Christian. (FYI, you're not. You're just a normal human being with normal wants and hormones. It's about how you handle them.)

In fact, let's just stop talking in terms of "Christianity" and start talking in terms of "what God wants".

That's the whole problem. Religion presents us with a set of rules to abide by and great condemnation if we slip up.

God gives us rules because He loves us and He knows bad things happen if we don't follow those guidelines. He still loves us, even if we mess up. He's not gonna hit us with a stick. He just doesn't want us to hurt.

My problem is that I'm just at a place of great despair. I know God isn't some magical fairy who goes around granting wishes as soon as we ask for something. (I'm not stupid.) But what if you've been earnestly praying for something sooo hard and for soooo long and you can't see any movement?

A person's going to get discouraged.

And that's where I'm at. I keep clawing my way up the side of the pit, only to fall back.

This has been "my" song for awhile:

"Hard to Get" by Rich Mullins

You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt

Do You remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said

Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get.

You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then

Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get

And I know You bore our sorrows
And I know You feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow
All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

Nothing.

I have no cute stories today.

I have no positive thoughts.

I have no way of looking through rose colored glasses.

I need prayer. Lots and lots of it.

I don't like my life. I don't like what's happening. People say "Change it", but there are just some things that you can't make happen on your own.

I've tried.

Lord knows, I've tried.

Things just need to change, and they need to change soon.

(Because I don't like feeling this way.)

Take it away.

PATIENCE!?!?!?!?!?!

This morning started out like a lovely day. (Actually, no. Not at all. I woke up all itchy and I had no hot water to shower with....BUT other than THAT, it was semi-okay.) I decided I needed a yummy sausage biscuit from Mac-a-donalds. (That's what my Papaw calls it.) I got in my car and started driving.

The drive was wonderful...until the turn onto Centennial and I got behind someone from Reno county who obviously cannot read speed limit signs. It was 35. We started at 30, 25, 20, somehow by the time we actually turned into McDonalds, we were going 5 mph. And then they decided to order $50 worth of food, asking for full menu options on each item.

At this point, I'm having a panic attack. I'm waiting for my turn in line (the other line was backed up) and creepy McDonalds dude walks past my car with a trash can and a devious grin. (A grin that he happened to be pointing in my direction.)

"OH COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I scream on the inside while soundly beating my steering wheel. (Sorry, Patrick. You're my favoritest car ever. You didn't deserve that.) I'm about to give up on the delightful biscuit that God surely created for my enjoyment when finally it was my turn to order. No drama there! Paid for my food, got my food, pulled around the corner and there was slow van again. "Ok, dude. Whichever way you're going, I'm NOT." (My speedometer wasn't even registering a speed at this point.) I finally get going, get around the roundabout, onto First street. Even more craziness from drivers, are you serious? A SCHOOL BUS just pulled out in front of me! WHAT?!?!?!?!?! (At this point, I'm sure I look like Bernard Black trying to do his taxes.)

It struck me that Someone was trying to teach me patience. Wouldn't it just be easier to teach everyone else in the world to drive properly and adhere to my schedule?

Grr.

I did simmer down by the time I got to work. In fact, I was laughing pretty hard.

Oh, and the food was good.

Hello, Rejection, My Old Friend.

I really did it this weekend.

I mean DID IT.

I managed to tear off a scab that had been quite happily in place for a long time. And when I say "tear" I mean rip off as hard as I could. You'd be hard pressed to find someone who could do a better job than I did this weekend.

Friday night, I made the mistake of watching one of my favorite movies "Almost Famous". At least I didn't watch it alone. There are two reasons why this was a bad move. A) The first time I watched it was with my ex 6 years ago (around Christmas, I might add). B) The whole movie deals with "band-aid" Penny Lane (Kate Hudson) who just wants to be loved by rock star Russell Hammond (Billy Crudup) and gets rejected over and over and over again. The only person who can't see it is her. She falls for him every time. And every time, he uses her and throws her away.

UUUGGGHHH.

I was kind of OK (keeping it together, anyway) until the part where Penny goes "Why doesn't he love me?".

It's a good thing I was watching it with people or I would've done one of two things. A) Sobbed uncontrollably or B) Gotten so angry, I trashed my house.

Why is it that for every 1 person who loves us, there seems to be 10 who will use, hurt, or reject us? And why do we set ourselves up for it every blasted time?

Why is it that to make a list of people who love us takes so long, but we can make the list of people who've hurt us in a heartbeat?

Why are we not good enough for some people, but more importantly, why do we want to be good enough? Why do we try to make people like us, instead of finding one who just does? (And not people who like us until they get what they want. People who just like us. Period.)

I cried and cried and cried last night. My face looks like someone's beat the crap out of me. My eyes are soooo swollen.

I got up this morning feeling a bit better. I was praying while I was getting ready to shower and I was just asking God to help me through the day. I apologized to Him for constantly letting Him (and myself) down. I asked Him to take my hurt away. I just can't figure out what I want from someone that I can't get from Him. I want someone here physically, I guess. I want someone to comfort me and hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright. (Obviously I've succeeded in finding this so called person.) I know this person doesn't really exist. I know this person just lives in my silly little mind.

I was shampooing my hair and I just started singing (very loudly, I might add.)

"Oh gently lay your head
Upon My chest
And I will comfort you like a mother
While you rest..."

Whoa. I hadn't heard that song since I was at least 16. It was my number one jam for about a week, and then it was gone. "I Am" by Jill Phillips. I remembered every last word, and that was 9 years ago!!!

What is happening? I never sing out loud in the shower! Especially when my roommate is home.

"...The tide can change so fast
But I will stay
The same through past
The same in future, same today

I am constant
I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy
I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
You're hearts desires

Oh weary, tired, and worn,
Let out your sighs
And drop that heavy load you hold
Cause Mine is light

I know you through and through
There's no need to hide
I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide

I am constant
I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy
I am wise
And I'm the only one who knows your hearts desires
Your hearts desires

Oh gently lay your head
Upon My chest
And I will comfort you like a mother
While you rest."

It would be a lot easier to be miserable and argue with God if He wasn't right all the dang time!

I Heart

Can I just say something? (Of course I can. It's my blog...)

I just want to say how madly in love I am... with every single person I spent last night with. (You know who you are.) I should probably say "spent the evening" with... "spent the night" just doesn't sound good...

Last night, was the best night ever. Even better than "The Epic Party of Halloween 2010". (In my book, anyway.) I hadn't laughed that hard in a while. I think it partly due to the absolutely random group of people that were in my basement last night. When I say random, what I really mean is random. It was a group of people that I never would've put together in a million years, and they were at my house. But it worked... in my opinion anyway.

You know how it is when you're around certain people and you can say anything? Yeah. It was one of those groups. Many things were said, shared, laughed at and laughed with. There were lots of inside jokes and I got some of the best hugs of my life last night!!! (Ok, so Keebler was really tipsy and took a dive on the couch, but it was still the best hug ever.)

All of that mushiness just to say "I love you guys and I'm glad you're in my life."

Love,
Me

Same Great Blog, Now with more RANDOMNESS!

What you are about to read will more than likely make your head spin. For this, I sincerely apologize. It is a detailed account of how my brain was working from 10:00 last night to 1:30 this morning. You think it's bad reading it, try going through it all!

I had a weird day yesterday. (What days aren't weird in my life, right?) I've been working a lot more, which is great, but as a result I can't really tell if I'm coming or going. It's almost Christmas, I have no shopping done, my friend is getting to the hard part of her radiation treatment and I wish I could be with her, my roommate is going through a breakup, I'm trying to help another friend of mine (I feel like I'm just digging a bigger hole), and so on and so forth. These things are effecting people that I love. And I can't do a thing about it. (Not to mention, I have issues in my own life that I wish would go away.)

I've been a giant sounding board for lots of people lately. That's great, bring it on, I'll try to help however I can. But what happens when I get bogged down and I have no one to talk to about it? I talk to my Mom, but I feel like I'm a broken record, and Cordy can only listen for so long before she has to chew on her leg or needs to go outside. I don't want to weigh people down with it, so I just hold onto it myself.

I was weighed down beyond belief by the time I crawled into bed last night. I tried to cry, but I was too upset to cry. (Makes no sense!) I just curled up in a ball and put the covers over my head. (If I don't do that, Cordy will hear me crying and she'll come and lick my face.)

I just closed my eyes and prayed "Lord, I need a hug. Please hold me tonight. I need help." (Yes, you can pray that.) I was just laying there and the song "Quiet You With My Love" popped into my head. "I will quiet you with my love, rejoice over you with my song..." I knew it was based on a scripture, so I looked it up:

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17 NIV)
(There are even cooler translations, but that's the one I read last night.)

That calmed me down some. Back to the fetal position and covers over my head to try to catch some sleep!

"Hold me, love me, hold me, love me. Ain't got nothing but love... eight days a week....? What? What's going on here, God? Why are you using the Beatles to get to me?"

God had resorted to using the Beatles to get through my thick skull.

I'm close to God, then I'm not close to Him. (I've talked about this before.) I think I'm a good Christian, and then I realize that I only really want Him around when I need Him. That's not healthy. It used to not be like this. What changed? Did I change? (I was pretty far gone for a long time there, but I thought I had come back around this year!) I'm afraid people would meet me and think I'm the farthest thing from a Christian there is. I move forward, then I'm dragged back. What am I afraid of? People not liking me because I'm a Christian? So what? Why is it so hard to let that side be seen?

So here I was, in the dark, with the one person I've turned my back on. I've spit in His face. I've yelled at Him. I've denied I even knew Him. I've hung out with people who hate Him. I've run back to Him and apologized, only to do it all over again. And yet, He's the One who's stayed by my side. He's the One who loves me. (This is the most dysfunctional of relationships, and I'm the dysfunctional one!)

I cried in the dark and told Him I was sorry. That I want to do better, but that I need His help. I can't do this on my own. (And He doesn't expect me to, so I don't know why I put that pressure on myself!) I thought about what would make me feel better, and the only thing I could think of was watching my Hillsong United "I (Heart) Revolution" DVD. I put it in and crawled back into bed. I was singing with it in my head.

I get a text message "You still awake?" "Yes. What's up?"

It started one of the most frustrating conversations of my life. I have a friend who is hurting and I just cannot do anything to help him. I'm laying there praying for words to encourage him with, but I am at a loss.

I'm frustrated, and I'm also in an "Facebook inbox conversation" that I don't want to be in. Since I'm frustrated, I'm sure I'm coming off as short tempered, but I wasn't in the mood. I don't want to be a not-nice-person but some people just don't get the hint. If I'm taken, I'm taken. Period. You need to respect that. You don't have to like it or agree with it.

I had another friend who was hurting from her divorce situation, so I was crying for her hurt and trying to post words of encouragement.

(All of this is happening at the same time, mind you.)

I was up til 1:30 with all of this stuff!

I finally just had to shut it all down and just give it to God. "I can't fix this, but You can. I'm making it worse." Just at that time, one of my favorite songs starts on the DVD...

"You broke the night like the sun
And healed my heart with Your great love
Any trouble I couldn't bear
You lifted me upon Your shoulders

Love that's stronger
Love that covers sin
And takes the weight of the world

I love You
All of my hope is in You
Jesus Christ take my life
Take all of me

You stand on mountain tops with me
With You I walk through the valleys
You gave Your only Son for me
Your grace is all I rely on

I love You so, and I give up my heart to say
I need You so, my everything"

How can I have anything else to say? How do you follow that? You don't.

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7

Psalm 42

I walked into work this morning with the typical feel of a Monday morning. "Wasn't I just here?" I worked 50 hours last week (After I've been scheduled for approximately 32 hours for the last 6 months), so I'm definitely at the tired point. I'm also at the "this paycheck is gonna rock" point.

The feeling of "wasn't I just here?" is normal when you work 6 days a week.

I'm more concerned with the "wasn't I just here?" feeling I have in my life.

I feel fat, then I feel OK with myself.
I feel like being alone, then I feel that I desperately want to be understood by someone.
I feel more in love with Jesus than ever, then I feel like He's far away.
I feel beautiful, then I feel ugly.
I feel obedient, then I feel terribly rebellious.
I feel kind, then I feel like I have the blackest of souls.

Is this a normal cycle in life? Or am I just nuts? (Don't answer that.)

I just feel like I walk and walk and walk and I'm finally making progress. I'm sooo happy! I'm never going back again! Then I see the same thing I passed awhile ago. I've succeeded in making a huge circle.

I'm sure I'm not the only person who's ever felt this way, but some days I sure feel like it.

(If you're wondering why the title is Psalm 42, go read it. Psalm 42 is my homeboy.)

Words

I'll be the first person to tell you that I'm not usually that affected by words of others. I'll say that, but in reality what happens is that I brush them off, think "what a jerk" and go about my business until later. I'll go to bed and while I'm laying there in the darkness, waiting for sleep to overtake me, the words raise their ugly heads and taunt me.

Most times I just tell them to shut up, but last night.... last night was rough.

What makes people think that they have the right to just hurl words at you? Maybe I just get more than my fair share of them since I work with the public.

Thursday, I saw a lady at Walmart that I knew from work. She says "What did you do to your hair?!?!?" (I always dye it a bright bright red, and then it fades out to what people usually see me in.) I said "Oh, this color? It's usually this color and then it fades. I wanted to feel extra Christmasy!" (Yes, it's that red.) She then replied "Looks more like Halloween to me..."

OK, great. You don't like my hair. If you don't like it, just don't say anything. I never say anything about your lack of teeth.

Yesterday, I had an elderly gentleman come in to work and need assistance with his bill. This comes in at least once a month and I help him every time. Last month, he looks at me and goes "You ain't pregnant are you?" to which I replied "Of course not!" and he then says "You're looking PUDGY around the middle!" Awesome. He came in yesterday and told me if I didn't do something on his bill right, he was gonna "come around that desk and" and then his voice trailed off. I said "You'll do what? Call me pudgy again!?" and he said "Well, I wouldn't have to call you pudgy if you wasn't!".

Great, you think I'm fat. I never say anything about your overwhelming body odor and terrible manners.

Why do they think it's any of their business?

I had a conversation about flirting with a friend last night and when I said "I try not to flirt. It's annoying." he replies "You should try it sometime. It's like what you do except less desperate."

OK, awesome.

I'm pudgy and I come off as desperate? What?

So, what I'm gathering from these conversations is that if I lose 40 pounds and just be quiet or learn how to flirt "properly", I'll be lovable.

Noted.

I think I'll just buy a good pair of earplugs instead.

Wonderful Christmastime

Last night, I treated myself to a... em... treat. (As a friend of mine would say: "Oh, you and your redundant redundancies!")

I put up my Christmas tree!!!

You see, this is a small victory for me. I love Christmas, and I feel like my whole adult (living away from Mom and Dad) life, I have never had a proper tree. I mean proper!

The thing is pre-lit and I still strung more lights on it last night. I mean, if it was outside, you might be able to see it from space. You should probably wear shades if you're gonna look at it. I put on the beads that we used on my childhood Christmas tree. I hung projects I had made in Sunday school, Hallmark ornaments, and my "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" ornament collection (I can't find "The Island of Misfit Toys" ornament anywhere and I am in full blown crisis mode). I hung the snowflake ornaments my Granny had crocheted before I was born (she was legally blind when she made them!!!) and I pushed it completely over the top by overloading it with 15 red velvet bows.

It is beautiful!!!

The tree is like 4ft tall and it has enough stuff for an 8ft tree.

I am in love.

I haven't been this happy in awhile. We're starting a new venture at work, and I'm happy with my Christmas tree.

I like this upswing.

In a Nutshell

"If it keeps on rainin' the levee's goin' to break"

Good Point

If I had a penny for every wise word of advice that I'd heard while getting my hair done...


Let's just said I wouldn't be living in Kristin's basement.

Yesterday as my mom was dying my hair (because I got her "premature grey" gene) she shot me a very random question. In fact, random is a major understatement.

"What do you think of Princess Diana?"

"Um, huh?" I thought to myself, "This is a trap. Tread carefully."

"What do you mean, Mom?"

"I mean, what do you think of Princess Diana? What's the first thing you think of when you think of her?"

"I think she was pretty, and awesome, and a good mom."

"Mmhmm. What else?"

"I think she was sad and mislead by some people. But she did nice things for the less fortunate. I think she was insecure, she had an eating disorder and stuff, which was stupid because everyone thinks she was really beautiful... is this a trick question? What are you trying to get at?"

"You notice how the first thing you thought of wasn't her ugly divorce?"

"Mmhmm."

"She was a strong woman. Everyone looks at her as a strong woman. Everyone thinks Prince Charles is stupid because he divorced her and married Camilla, right?"

"Oh, yeah. Good point. Prince Charles is gross."

"So, don't let your divorce define you. People think you're strong too."

Wow. I had two thoughts: A) My mom just compared me to Princess Diana. B) I hadn't realized I was still being that affected by the it, but I was even more determined to say "screw you, divorce."

Why am I letting myself be so affected by my circumstances? Former circumstances at that!

I don't want people to think about me and equate me with my divorce, so why do I think of myself and equate me with my divorce? I'm not even going to call it "my" divorce anymore. I don't want to own that thing! It's more like "that one stupid thing that happened that one time".

Last Night.

I'm sitting here, paused at the keyboard. I'm trying to wrap my mind around it. I'm wondering how I can even explain just how awesome my night was. I'll try to keep it short...

I was just hanging around my house, when around 7 or so, I got a call from a friend asking me to go to a party with him. It was one of those "friend of a friend is having a party" parties. Not my cup of tea at all, but my friend wanted to go, so I decided to live a bit.

We get to the party, and I was already counting down til we could leave. It was everything I didn't like. Strangers, lots and lots of booze, boozed up strangers making out, dancing... it was very very uncomfortable and I wanted out.

And then I saw him.

Words are going to fail me as I try to describe this guy to you. He was gorgeous. Tall, but not too tall. Ripped, but not too ripped. He had a shaved head, but who needs hair when you look like that. I mean, he looked like Bruce Willis and Jason Statham somehow managed to have a man baby. Totally not my type, but I had a friend tell me the other day that I need to change my type.

I liked the look of change.

He saw me staring at him (how embarrassing!!!) and he made his way across the room to talk to me. I don't even remember what I said, but it must've been hilarious because I remember him laughing. It was a kind laugh, not a mean one.

I was in love.

He told me his name was B and that he was also a tag along to the party. We started talking about how much we hated parties like that, blah, blah, blah... (Even though I could tell he was enjoying it a bit more than I was, as he had a red cup in his hand. Tee hee!) We hit it off pretty well and next thing I know he was asking if there was somewhere we could go to talk... alone.

I threw "Sister Mary Katherine" (my good girl side) out the window and I suggested we go back to my house. I don't know what I was thinking. No, I clearly wasn't thinking! If you'd seen this guy, you wouldn't be thinking either!

We made it to the house and I noticed that there were lights on in the house. My roommate was at home, but she wouldn't bother us. It felt like took the longest time to get into the house. He was the hottest guy I'd ever seen, and he wanted me. Oh my gosh, it was slow motion. We get in the side door, and I notice that the lights are on in the basement. (I rent the basement from my roommate, who owns the house.) OK, again, no big deal, I'll just explain that I need the basement and she'll just go upstairs, right?

We go downstairs and she's down there doing laundry. Seriously? You want to do laundry now, Kristin? (I thought that to myself. I wouldn't say that out loud!) Also, her little cousin H is over. H is really excited to see us. OK, I might be able to shake K, but there's no way anything's going on when H is here. I introduce them both to B and we trade pleasantries.

I look at B like "what now?" and he asks "Hey, um, do you have a band-aid? I think I cut my finger."

"Oh! Yes! A band-aid! They'd be in the bathroom..." and as I walk in, he follows me and shuts the door.

Let me just tell you, my bathroom is not conducive to any extra-curricular activity whatsoever. I mean, I know that bathrooms aren't number one on the "gettin busy" list, but mine really shouldn't be. Mine would be listed at number 97 in the whole house! It simply was not working. I was going to have to go explain the situation to K.

I go into the laundry room and ask "Um, Kristin? Is there any way you could give the laundry a break for the evening?" My eyes get real big and I make a jerky head motion to the other room.

"No, I really have to have these clothes for tomorrow. They have to be done now."

Fail.

"Please? I mean, just leave them, I'll do them for you first thing in the morning. I promise. I really need some privacy right now. If you get what I mean..."

"I get what you're saying, but I really need my laundry right now, so no."

A big fight ensues, I piss her off, I even made H cry in the process. They slam the basement door and go upstairs. "Great", I thought to myself. "I don't think I'm going to have anywhere to live in the morning, but it's going to be so worth it."

We make a beeline for the bedroom, and just as it's about to get good...

...My alarm goes off and I wake up.



I can't even get lucky in my dreams!

Did I have you going? I mean, come on! My basement doesn't have a door! (And I don't meet boys at parties and take them home. Have you met me? Seriously?)

In reality, I spent last night babysitting for a former co-worker. It was a lovely time. Her girls were awesome, and her dog was quite taken with me. Her blind dog.

Sick. Bleh.

You ever wake up at 3:27 am with the distinct feeling that your head has been ripped off and then sewn back on (very poorly)? That was me 6 hrs ago.

Since then, not only does the top of my head, right jaw, right ear, forehead, teeth, and just face in general hurt, my stomach has also started to revolt against me.

It's so bad that I mumbled a "Lord, if any more disgusting substances come out of my body this morning, I'm going to just break down and cry" prayer as I got ready for work. At my job, we don't get paid sick or vacation, and I'm already going to be off Thursday and Friday, so I'm just praying for strength to get through til Thursday.

Being sick is already tough enough without having to worry about money. I hate it. I guess it's just something you have to put up with if you're single and you enjoy your job. (Scratch that, you enjoy the people you work with.) The fact that I didn't get benefits wasn't a problem when I started working here because I was married at the time.

Bleh. Bleh and grr. Grr and bleh and bleh and grr. (How do I really feel? I don't know.)

At least my friend Bern made it through his surgery ok last night, and I'm receiving really fun texts from him since he's doped up. Haha!!! Gives me something to laugh at.

Saturday

I had a very interesting Saturday.

One of my good friends got married this weekend. (Congrats Josh & Angela!) It was a lovely time. I got to see one of my good friends that I hadn't seen in a few months. (Missed him.) Got to see my brother in a tux! It was a hilarious day, full stupidness.

Starting off, my Mom swore the wedding was at 10:30. We're walking up to the church at 10, and my Mom goes "You know, I think the wedding is at 10." I'm one of those people who counts myself as "late" if I'm less than 10 minutes early for something. Awesome. Panic attack begins.

We get seated and I look around and I realize there are a lot more people that I hadn't wanted to see than I expected... "Ok, Katie. Breathe. You're here for J & A... and to see M and W in suits." Mom reads the program and realizes J&A are going to dismiss people row by row to the reception. Ok, again a little panic...a lot panic... but I can deal.

Marriage ceremony. Lovely, sweet, simple, short. Perfect wedding. Primo. Let's get this show on the road. I'm getting antsy.

They come back in and start dismissing people and my Mom starts looking around... then it happened. Her eyes got real big. She mutters something panicked under her breath. It sounded something like this through her gritted teeth:

"Mmrph smurgle mrph mmrrph!!"

"Um.... can you run that past me again?"

*Panicked eyes and a slight nervous laugh* "Mmrph smurgle murph MMMRPH!"

"Ya lost me."

"Nothing. Nevermind."

"Mom, you can't do that to me! I need to know!" (Judging by her face, I was guessing she'd seen a ghost... or my ex-husband.)

"MMRPH SMURGLE MRPH MMRRPH!!!"

"Nada."

"______ _______ (ex boyfriend) IS SITTING RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!"

That's it, get me outta here. I'm done. Full blown panic attack. Needed one of my heart pills but they were all at home. Seriously thought I was gonna die.

It's not that things necessarily ended badly with this guy, it's just that they ended badly. (Yes, you read that correctly.) I was a big project to him and there was no middle ground. I broke up with him three times and he finally understood it when he talked to my brother and said "Katie seemed distant tonight." to which my brother responded "Probably because she broke up with you three days ago." (And I didn't pull the whole "It's not you, it's me" thing. I used plain english. Very plain.) He let me have it through a series of very angry Facebook messages to which I just told him that he was pissing me off and he needed to give me a few days to cool down. I took three days, and then told him that we could talk, but I was not re-hashing things. Apparently that was all he was interested in. I didn't hear from him again...

...and now he was sitting behind me.

Curses!

"If it's any consolation, he looks waaay more nervous than you do.", my Mom said trying to calm me down.

When it was our row's turn to be dismissed, I hugged them both, did the turn and avoid while waiting on Mom, and made a beeline for the reception. It was all good until he did the whole "I'm a photographer" cut in front of us and then did the whole "Oh hey! I didn't know it was you!" fake shock when my Mom said hi to him.

GET ME INTO THE RECEPTION SO I CAN FIND MY BROTHER AND SIT DOWN!!!

Ok, whew. There's M and there's W. Relaxation at last. The panic settled...a bit... for awhile. There was polite conversation, food, etc. M told me I have a disarming smile and that made me absolutely crack up. I was easing in to some comfortableness (not a word at all) and avoiding looking in certain directions while my Mom and I just couldn't stop laughing. She decided to go talk to him, and I couldn't stop her. I didn't care if she talked to him, I just wasn't going to.

She comes back to the table looking even more concerned than before. We make a beeline to the bathroom.

"He's moving back. He got a job. Uh oh. Are you ok? What are you thinking?"

"The words I'm thinking, I can't say because I'm in a CHURCH!"

Fast forward, a group of us are standing outside talking. It's cold, M gives me his suit coat (which was really really sweet of him) and out comes the ex. I could feel the hard-core stare down. You see, he always gave me a hard time about M and I always told him we were just friends. And now I was standing outside, next to M, in his coat.

I wanted to die laughing. Literally. But I didn't.

Ex left, the conversation ended, I gave M his coat back, Mom and I went back to the car. We talked about the ridiculousness of it all and laughed. Mom asked me if I wanted to go anywhere while we were in town, and I told her I deserved a trip to Hastings. W wanted in on it too, so we just made a family trip.

The moral of the story is this, children:

Any harship, no matter how bad, is ok if a Metallica CD is bought at the end.

Additional moral:

If you're scheduled to work on a Saturday, sometimes it's best to just leave it be.

Oh, Thursday!

I had another "rage" session with God last night. I'm not quite sure what made me snap. Maybe I'm just worn out.

A friend of mine told me last night that I'm too hard on myself. Yes, I am, but how can I not be hard on myself?

I just feel like life is one ginormous set of rules. Everyone talks about the difference between being religious and being a Christ-follower, but I still feel condemmed all the time. I don't know why. It's not like I'm doing anything bad, because the thought of being bad stresses me out too much!

How do I relax?

I just have too much on my plate. Trying to do the happy dance and do everything to a "t", not wanting anyone to be unhappy with me...

Grr.

Why can't I be inconsiderate like everybody else? Why can't I make everything revolve around me? Why can't I just ignore everyone's opinions?

(All the above are incredibly wrong to do, btw.)

I just have no answers. Which also stresses me out. (Haha.)

Maybe I need some happy/my giveadarn is broken pills...

November 16

Walking into work today, I smelled the distinct odor of cow manure. How fitting. It is November 16th, after all.

I'm very torn on how to feel about today. Today would've marked my ex and I's 6th (dating)anniversary. (I don't even know if I used proper grammar on that one, and you know what? I don't even care! *Shock! Gasp! Horror!*)

I should just be happy, I guess. I should look back at the past happy times with fondness and move on. I should be thankful that I am where I am today. I should...

Should is a terrible word.

I think I still have a lot of unresolved feelings. I have days of deep, deep sadness. I have days where I'm more angry than I ever thought myself capable of. I have days of both. My feelings aren't the only things unresolved, the relationship was never resolved. I mean, yes. It ended. It needed to. I am 100% sure that was the right decision. It's just that I'll never know to what extent things were going on. There are some days I want to know, other days there's no way in hell.

I guess I should just be glad that I don't know. I should be glad that I don't have more weighing on me than I already do. (There's that dang "should" word again!)

But at the same time, it's really hard losing the person who was your best friend. I haven't seen or talked to him in a year and a half. (My family and friends assure me that not only is this a good thing, but also they will kill me if they find that I've had any contact with him whatsoever.) I think about him all the time. I mean, it's impossible for me not to! I was married to the man for Pete's sake! It only becomes dangerous when I start over-glamorizing things. I tend to remember the good things and I put them on a pedestal. I shut out the bad. That's not healthy, I need to remember the good and bad. I need to remember why I'm where I'm at now.

Grr.

I greatly dislike this.

I don't like being a weepy mess. I don't like dreading the holidays because of memories. I don't like the fact that I set goals (perhaps unrealistic) for myself to accomplish by this time and they haven't happened.

Grr.

I'm trying to put on a happy face, and dangit I'm going to! But I would also be doing myself a disservice if I just pushed things into a corner to deal with them later. I've done the "later" thing and "later" is now.

Grr.

Did I mention I really really hate this?

HAPPY WEEK AND TWO DAYS UNTIL THANKSGIVING!!!

"And Katie, what are you thankful for?"
"I'm thankful for razors and that I'll get to use one in approximately 14 days."

Annoying

I had the most psycho dreams last night. Bleh. They put me in a weird mood for today.

I had a nice hopeful blog all written up yesterday for the 9th. (9 is my favorite number so I try to make a big deal out of the 9th of every month.) It said something about how I hoped it would be a good day and that something magical would happen. Blah blah blah.

I clicked "publish", there was an error and it hadn't even saved. It was gone. Because of that "publish fail", nothing magical happened. I'm placing the blame squarely on blogger. Way to go.

Wait, I take that back. I got to see Justin and Shaun Dane Cook Adams shared some scrumptious rice cake things from Japan with me. Those things are magical! I'm pretty sure fairies make them. And the best thing? I have a pack for breakfast. Score!!!

OK, so I take back my "nothing magical" statement. My bad.

I wonder what the 10th is going to do for me?

I did come to some sad realizations last night, but they're just more of the same. I keep falling into the same problems over and over again. At least now I can recognize them and stop them before they get out of hand. It's just frustrating and annoying. I'm annoyed at others because they keep doing the same things over and over, but then I get annoyed at myself because I fall for it every time.

My Mom informed me this morning that she likes me for who I am and she likes to hang out with me and not my stuff. Mom's always do. :) Now, if I could just get her back up here, I'd have it made.

That's another crazy crossroads I'm at. Why am I still in Mac? Every time I think I should move, I get a definite "No" from God, but I don't know why. I don't see anything amazing happening to keep me here. What's going on? I'm at a standstill. I know He's working behind the scenes, but it's still confusing. What is it? I'd like to find out sooner rather than later, but I'm not in control of that. (And that's probably for the best!)

Walls

Yesterday, while talking to three of my closest friends about this and that, I started feeling majorly uncomfortable about some things. I realized I still have a huge amount of walls built up.

Some of them are good walls. (I guess I would call them "Boundaries".) Some of them are walls I've just always had. Some of them are walls that have grown from my recent past. I guess I didn't realize how much they really bother me.

I don't think of myself as a fragile person, but I guess I kind of am. While people just tell me to ignore the walls and get over it, I realize that I just can't. There are some walls that are perfectly OK staying there, and the right person will one day help me with them.

I'm not going to take a bomb and blow up these walls. Some of them are going to have to be dismantled brick by brick. Layers are going to have to be peeled back. I'm completely convinced that some of the walls are just going to stay there. Some of them need to, at least for right now.

People don't know everything about me. They will never know exactly what and to what extent things happened. They don't need to.

I'm trying not to be paralyzed, but at the same time I'm not going to jump someones bones just to get over my sudden fear of intimacy, you know? There's gotta be a happy medium somewhere!

(If someone finds that in-between, let me know, OK?)

Progress

Progress. I'm making it.

I think yesterday was the first day that I have actually enjoyed myself in quite awhile. (Well, I enjoyed the party last Friday, but I was worried the whole time since it was at our house.)

Anyway...

I had one particularly awesome moment yesterday at Old Navy. We were in the dressing rooms and I looked up and there was an ad with three skinny girls in really skinny pants, jumping, and smiling. For the first time in my life, I looked at an ad and didn't feel inadequate. I looked in the mirror and thought "I look pretty dang good!" (Which was quite the accomplishment in that harsh lighting and those mirrors, you know what I'm sayin?)

I know it's trivial, but it was a big moment for me.

I think things are looking up in some areas. Now, I just need to keep working on the other ones.

Oy vey!

Sometimes I amaze myself.

Last weekend, my roommate and I changed the lock codes to our house and garage because of some stuff that went down at our Halloween party. There were people who had the code that violated their code priveledges. (I'm starting to sound like my father.)

I thought I had told my brother the new code.

I go to sleep at eleven last night, totally forgetting that my brother was needing to crash at my house. Because my brother and cousin like to text me at all hours and I got sick of being woke up, I put my phone on silent now. Went to sleep, woke up a few times and the green light on my phone was flashing. I usually get about five emails a night, so I just rolled over. I woke up for good about an hour before my alarm went off and I decided to check my Facebook, etc.

I noticed I had three emails, a missed call, and three text messages.

Yeah, I could've sworn I gave my brother the new code. I guess I swore wrong because he had to sleep in his car for about four hours.

I am the worst sister ever!

So, where do I direct my frustration? Me? The people who made it necessary to change the code? My brother for texting me all the time so I have to have my phone on silent?

It's all me, but I think I'll blame it on the code change...



P.S. Good news! My friend doesn't have to have her thyroid biopsied! The cyst has actually shrunk! Woot!

Hero of the Day

Every now and then I become completely obsessed with a song. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does... uh oh. That song for me right now is "Hero of the Day" by Metallica. (I'm writing a blog about a Metallica song?) Yes, I've heard that song for years but this week I heard it for the first time in awhile and I just held onto it like a kid holds onto his teddy bear when there's a monster in his room.

I've heard a lot of different opinions on what the song is about, but for me it just reminds me of my years of being a prodigal child. So much of it just relates to my feelings when I look back on that time in my life. It's painful. I hate myself for it. I don't want to break the song down line by line and tell you how it all translates to what I did and what I felt, that would be ridiculously boring (and potentially embarrassing).

I was sitting in that cancer center last night and I was a mess. I was somewhere between just bawling my eyes out and jumping through the window and making a run for it. I had one headphone in my right ear, I was listening to that song and I was just in denial. How did we get here? This moment was most definitely not in my "Plan A". I wanted to go home. I wanted to go to my last place of true comfort. But I can't.

You see, the last place I called home was a little white house on South Oak Street. When we lived there, I hated it. I hated that it was so small, I hated that most kids in town would have nothing to do with me when they found out where I lived, I hated that it was supposed to be a "temporary" house and we never moved out of it. I couldn't wait to get out of there.

Now, I'd give anything to go back.

I wish I could just go back and beat the crap out of that dumb 19 year old who listened to everyone when they told her she had it so bad and that she needed to move out. I wish I could just punch her til she bled and then shake her and yell "YOU HAVE NOOO IDEA HOW GOOD YOU HAVE IT! YOU'RE A SPOILED BRAT! GET OVER YOURSELF! YOUR FRIENDS KNOW NOTHING AND HE'S A JACKASS. LOSE THEM. STAY HERE AND SOAK UP EVERY LAST DROP YOU CAN BECAUSE IT'S ALL GOING AWAY AND NEVER COMING BACK!"

But I can't do that, so I'm stuck here. I'm stuck here trying to soak up all that is happening. I feel like my whole world is crumbling, but at the same time nothing is happening at all. I honestly can't describe it. It's almost like slow motion, where you can tell something's going to happen and you're yelling "Noooooooooooo!!!".

I think my favorite lyric in the song is "No I'm not all me So please excuse me while I tend to how I feel". That's it in a nutshell. I don't think I've properly grieved and come to realize what is really going on. I just keep smiling, saying "It's OK." and moving on. But, is it really? How do I feel about this season in my family's life?

I feel like it's absolute shit. (Excuse my French)

I know it's not that way, but dangit that's how I feel.

Part of me just wants to rush though it but at the same time, I keep telling myself to slow down and not make the same mistake twice. I look back on those Oak Street days as the best days of my life, but I hated them at the time. I absolutely hated them. I don't want to get so caught up in trying to push all of "now" away that I don't soak it up. You never know, one day I might look back at all of this and long for it. I sincerely hope that is not the case.

I hope that things are going to start looking up for all of us, and that we'll be able to look back and say "Remember how positively awful 2010 was? Glad we made it through that!"



P.S. Please pray for my friend who's going through the radiation treatments. She's had a cyst on the remaining half of her thyroid for years, but with this whole breast cancer thing, they're wanting to biopsy it and she's not looking forward to that. (Neither am I.)

Day Three

Only 31 days left. I can do this. I'm doing pretty good other than the itching and the overall feeling of grossness. If I had known that Sunday would be my last day with my silky smooth armpits, I would've enjoyed them. I would've whispered "I love you", taken them on a long walk, maybe even made a candlelight supper.

(And with that, ladies and gentlemen, the old Katie is back!)

I'm not even going to let my overall disgustingness bring me down. It's fall, baby! Woo hoo!

There's so much I want to do! There are so many people I want to see! I can't make enough time for it all! I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions and it's starting to wear on me.

I have a roommate to hang out with, I have my family and hour away who want to see me, I have an abundance of "new" friends that I want to hang out with all the time, and so on and so on.

It's kind of starting to stress me out! If I'm doing something with this person, I hear "oh." from another. If I go to hang out with the other, I hear "oh." again! I can't possibly make everybody happy. I think it's because a lot of my friends are very much alike.

How am I supposed to prioritize? If I get an attitude from someone when they hear my plans, how do I a) not bend to their every will and b) respond without exploding?

I just have no idea.

I'm getting to the point where I need to put my foot down. This is what I'm doing. This is when I'm doing it. This is who I'm doing it with. (Within moral limits, of course.) I don't question people when I hear their plans! I just say "OK!" and move on with my day.

I think I just realized something. The two that I have the most trouble with are pretty much the same exact person. I love them both dearly, but I feel I can never please either. I'm always doing something they don't approve of. That's why I'm stressed, because I'm getting it from both sides. A person who used to be in my life was the very same way.

They know how to manipulate me. They know how I am, how I operate. Hmmm... well, that gives me something to ponder for the day. At least it's something to think of besides my itchy pits.

No-Shave November

This morning, as I was talking to a friend on the phone, I decided to do something crazy.

You see, my friend is going through a 33 day radiation treatment for breast cancer and she had her first treatment yesterday. I always promised her that if she got sick and lost her hair, I'd lose mine, if she had to go on a diet for medical purposes, I'd go on one too, if she jumped off a cliff... nah. That's where I draw the line, but you get the idea.

Because of the radiation, she's been instructed not to shave her left armpit... *Gulp* Anything but that, please. I'm one of those girls who's been known on occasion to shave her pits twice a day because I can't stand it.

(I think you can tell where this is going.)

So she says "Remember when you told me that if I had to have chemo, you'd shave your head?"

"Mmhmm."

"Remember when I thought I'd have to go on a diet and you said you'd do it too?"

"Mmhmm."

"I think you should let your left pit go since I can't shave mine."

Curses!!!

We laughed about it and I decided it would be the ultimate in solidarity. My OCD took over and I decided that I couldn't just have one shaved and one un-shaved pit. I mean, come on! Go big or go home, right?

So I kinda half jokingly said "No-shave November. The guys are doing it, so why can't I?" And then I secretly thanked God that she didn't have radiation in July.

"Well, I'm going for it! It's not like I have anyone to impress, right? Hairy arms, hairy legs... Watch, I'll meet the man of my dreams now. Dang."

"Maybe you'll meet a man who likes the European look."

*Facepalm*

I don't know what scares me more, the thought of being completely unshaven for a month or the thought of meeting someone who actually finds that attractive.

*Shudder*

Me and my ruthless loyalty...gets me in trouble every time.

November

This morning, as I was driving to work, I was reminded of just how lucky I am. I'm a lucky girl. Actually, I'm blessed.

As I was driving to work, I looked up at the beautiful sky and just praised God for it. The clouds were just enough to paint the sky a light grey and the sun was trying to peek though. I took my first deep breath of November 2010 air and I was in heaven.

I am a blessed little girl.

Things might not go exactly how I want them, I might be sad sometimes, and I might be downright annoyed at times with people and life, but overall I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

I thought back to two years ago when my life just completely shattered and I wished for mornings like this. I longed for them. I thought they would never happen. Now that I'm here, it's so easy to take it for granted and complain about how things are (or aren't) going right now.

I'm not at all where I thought I'd be in November 2010, but that's OK. I just hope I can look back at this time in my life with happy memories. (I'm pretty sure it's started out well! Even though Friday night was still in October, it was probably the most fun I'd ever had in my life.)

I have more friends now than I've ever had! I can go out and do things or stay in and have people over! It's wonderful! I just need to remind myself of these things when I feel down.

I am one blessed little girl and I have a Heavenly Father who is giving me what I need, when I need it, and that's all I could ever want!




P.S. For a friend of mine (on today of all days), I heard these lyrics on my stereo : "Ooooooh I want to turn up the radiation/ Oooooooh I want to glow in the dark/ Love is the one true innovation/ Love is the only art..." :D

Ok

This is the first time in a long time that I feel absolutely ok! Things are going to be alright.

I'm ok, you're ok, we're all ok. Or, should I say I'm not ok, you're not ok, and we're all gonna be not ok together, ok? But we're going to keep trying our best to be ok.

Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok.

There seems to be a really high premium on ok. What classifies ok?

I don't know, and I don't have any answers today, but that's ok. (Say whaaat?)

I got a very nice note last night from a friend on Facebook. Sometimes when I write, I just feel like I'm crazy and I don't make any sense. Maybe sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who goes through it, or at least I'm the only person who talks about it. The note last made me feel like I'm really not alone in my crazy thoughts and feelings. There's no guidebook, we're just all trying to figure this stuff out. I think we just think there's something wrong with us when things don't go the way we think they should.

How should things go? What do we base that on? We base it on the experiences that others have, but why do we do that? No one on earth is going to have the exact same experience as anyone else. That was confusing, let me try again. No two life experiences are exactly alike? Yes. That's what I was trying to say.

Keep on truckin!

Mind = Blown

I know I've been writing a lot lately... but I've been needing to write a lot lately. I need to get things written out instead of keeping them tangled up in my head. Sometimes they just make more sense if I just lay them out in front of me instead of keeping them in knots.

Today, I've been talking to God pretty much all day. Trying to get my brain wrapped around some things. I just can't understand no one wants to date me, but it's OK for them to keep me around as long as they need something. If someone needs something, I'm the first one to jump up and help. If they need to talk, I'm the first to listen and give comfort. If they're sick and they need something, I jump in my car. If they need an errand run, I run it.

I think it's because I feel like I need to earn peoples love. I feel like I need to do things for them so they'll like me.

Where does this come from?

I was driving home this afternoon and just pouring out my heart to God about how badly I want a relationship, but at the same time I'm becoming increasingly annoyed with people. I was giving him my big laundry list of things I want my future "Mr. Whatsit" to do and be when He smacked me across the face with a big realization. (And when I say big, I mean big.)

"You don't want a boyfriend. You want a Saviour. And you already have One."

That's it!

That's why I'm so frikkin disgusted with people and myself. I'm trying to save them and in return, I want them to save me.

Neither one of those things are going to happen. Ever. Not our job. We are absolutely and completely incapable of saving anything. (I can't even save Fred, my houseplant, from certain death.)

It's our job to look to God and let Him save us! Now, that doesn't mean we can go around going "La la la la la la la! I don't have to do anything! God's gonna save me from every icky thing in life! La la la la la la laaaaa!!!"? Of course not! That's just ridiculous!

What I mean is that I don't have to go around trying to make everyone happy and trying to fix my family and my friends problems and do everything for them. I fail miserably at that anyway, so why am I putting all that pressure on myself? In putting all that pressure on myself, I put myself in a position of pride. I want to be on a pedestal. I want everyone to go "Oh my goodness. That Katie Hurl is just the nicest, sweetest girl. Did you hear what she did for me? I think she is just the most awesome person. Look at that smile! Why is she not a super model! That girl should have her own TV show!" (Ok, so maybe I embellished that....a lot)

When I fail or if something doesn't work out, I go into "Woe is me" mode. Victim mentality, much?

I don't realize I do that. In fact, this is just pouring out while I'm typing and I am downright embarrassed! I want it to look like I'm doing things for others, but I am driven by purely selfish motives. I want to look like I have it all together when in reality, I go home crying and empty every night.

So, I look to others, I look to works, I look to things to save me. I have my Saviour right here, and I just keep telling Him that He's in my way and I push Him to the side. "I want the glory for this. I want to look like the strong person, here. I don't need you. I want the credit."

Lord, forgive me! I have sinned against you in this area for so long, I can't even remember a time that I didn't think like this. Re-train me! Start from scratch! Erase everything! I don't want to do this anymore! Take away my pride and the idols I have put in Your place for so long. Please help me to seek out healthy relationships. Thank you for the blessings that You've already given me and help me to focus on them instead of what I think I need.

Amen.

Red Flags (and White Ones)

I don't know why I think I can't be shocked anymore. I don't know why I keep insisting that things are black and white. I don't know why I keep telling myself that things are exactly as I see them. No one has any secrets. No one has bad thoughts.

I don't know why I keep assuming that there's going to be someone out there for me. And I don't know why I keep thinking if he's out there, he's some perfect Prince Charming. But how bad is too bad? How much is too much? If no one's perfect, what am I looking for? How much imperfection is ok? If you're looking for red flags, everyone has them. Am I looking for fire engine red? Crimson? What about a light pink?

What are the red flags that people see when they look at me?

I'm officially giving up. Not in a pouty "I'm giving up! Oh, look at me. I'm depressed. Blah, blah, blah." It's an "I'm completely fed up with this whole mess. Lord, move or move me. Get me away from the pain. I know pain is always going to be around, just move me away from pain of this magnitude. I am in a pit and I cannot crawl out on my own. I can't even stand up. Please, carry me out of this."

That kind of giving up.

Of Body Image

Hi. My name is Katie, and I have a problem.

I'm flippin sick and tired of people griping about my looks!

I have lumps and bumps where bikini models don't. I have pasty white Irish skin, and my hair started going grey when I was 17. I was informed that I had cellulite on the back of my legs when I was 12. Twelve! Who even knows what cellulite is when they're 12? It was summer and I was wearing shorts. I'm pretty sure I haven't worn shorts out of the house since. I've had a tummy since I was 4. My forehead is too big and my teeth are too small.

Who flippin cares?

You know what? If I had a private chef, a personal trainer, someone batting food away from my mouth, I quit my job so I could work out 18 hrs a day, AND a professional airbrusher to airbrush every picture taken of me, yeah, I could look like a "model". (Side note, even models don't look like models. They have good teams.)

Why are we held up to such an impossible standard? And we are usually held to that standard by significant others (or in my case lately, total strangers). I've found that people who complain about looks are usually insecure about their looks. I've never put that that high a premium on looks (*cough cough* obviously). You want me to look like Jessica Alba? Seriously? Like Jessica Alba would look at you twice? Give me a break.

I'm happy with myself. Yes, there are probably jiggly parts that could use a little less jiggle, but if it weren't for people reminding me of that, I could really care less. Some day, I will find someone who loves me jiggles and all! How 'bout them apples?

My hair's been short, then long, then short, then long, then short (you get the idea) all in hopes to please others. I wear this, wear that, wear this much makeup, take the makeup off, (you guessed it) just to please others.

My body will never be perfect. My hair will never be perfect. Someone is always going to find a problem with my makeup. I am never going to be wearing the right clothes at the right time.

Who cares? (As long as I'm not frightening small children.)

Bottom line, someone out there is going to love us just exactly how we are. We're going to be someone's type. And if that never happens, we'll always be God's type.

So quit griping! I'm putting on my brown shirt and black pants and going to Wal-Mart now!

Just kidding...or am I?