What you are about to read will more than likely make your head spin. For this, I sincerely apologize. It is a detailed account of how my brain was working from 10:00 last night to 1:30 this morning. You think it's bad reading it, try going through it all!
I had a weird day yesterday. (What days aren't weird in my life, right?) I've been working a lot more, which is great, but as a result I can't really tell if I'm coming or going. It's almost Christmas, I have no shopping done, my friend is getting to the hard part of her radiation treatment and I wish I could be with her, my roommate is going through a breakup, I'm trying to help another friend of mine (I feel like I'm just digging a bigger hole), and so on and so forth. These things are effecting people that I love. And I can't do a thing about it. (Not to mention, I have issues in my own life that I wish would go away.)
I've been a giant sounding board for lots of people lately. That's great, bring it on, I'll try to help however I can. But what happens when I get bogged down and I have no one to talk to about it? I talk to my Mom, but I feel like I'm a broken record, and Cordy can only listen for so long before she has to chew on her leg or needs to go outside. I don't want to weigh people down with it, so I just hold onto it myself.
I was weighed down beyond belief by the time I crawled into bed last night. I tried to cry, but I was too upset to cry. (Makes no sense!) I just curled up in a ball and put the covers over my head. (If I don't do that, Cordy will hear me crying and she'll come and lick my face.)
I just closed my eyes and prayed "Lord, I need a hug. Please hold me tonight. I need help." (Yes, you can pray that.) I was just laying there and the song "Quiet You With My Love" popped into my head. "I will quiet you with my love, rejoice over you with my song..." I knew it was based on a scripture, so I looked it up:
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17 NIV)
(There are even cooler translations, but that's the one I read last night.)
That calmed me down some. Back to the fetal position and covers over my head to try to catch some sleep!
"Hold me, love me, hold me, love me. Ain't got nothing but love... eight days a week....? What? What's going on here, God? Why are you using the Beatles to get to me?"
God had resorted to using the Beatles to get through my thick skull.
I'm close to God, then I'm not close to Him. (I've talked about this before.) I think I'm a good Christian, and then I realize that I only really want Him around when I need Him. That's not healthy. It used to not be like this. What changed? Did I change? (I was pretty far gone for a long time there, but I thought I had come back around this year!) I'm afraid people would meet me and think I'm the farthest thing from a Christian there is. I move forward, then I'm dragged back. What am I afraid of? People not liking me because I'm a Christian? So what? Why is it so hard to let that side be seen?
So here I was, in the dark, with the one person I've turned my back on. I've spit in His face. I've yelled at Him. I've denied I even knew Him. I've hung out with people who hate Him. I've run back to Him and apologized, only to do it all over again. And yet, He's the One who's stayed by my side. He's the One who loves me. (This is the most dysfunctional of relationships, and I'm the dysfunctional one!)
I cried in the dark and told Him I was sorry. That I want to do better, but that I need His help. I can't do this on my own. (And He doesn't expect me to, so I don't know why I put that pressure on myself!) I thought about what would make me feel better, and the only thing I could think of was watching my Hillsong United "I (Heart) Revolution" DVD. I put it in and crawled back into bed. I was singing with it in my head.
I get a text message "You still awake?" "Yes. What's up?"
It started one of the most frustrating conversations of my life. I have a friend who is hurting and I just cannot do anything to help him. I'm laying there praying for words to encourage him with, but I am at a loss.
I'm frustrated, and I'm also in an "Facebook inbox conversation" that I don't want to be in. Since I'm frustrated, I'm sure I'm coming off as short tempered, but I wasn't in the mood. I don't want to be a not-nice-person but some people just don't get the hint. If I'm taken, I'm taken. Period. You need to respect that. You don't have to like it or agree with it.
I had another friend who was hurting from her divorce situation, so I was crying for her hurt and trying to post words of encouragement.
(All of this is happening at the same time, mind you.)
I was up til 1:30 with all of this stuff!
I finally just had to shut it all down and just give it to God. "I can't fix this, but You can. I'm making it worse." Just at that time, one of my favorite songs starts on the DVD...
"You broke the night like the sun
And healed my heart with Your great love
Any trouble I couldn't bear
You lifted me upon Your shoulders
Love that's stronger
Love that covers sin
And takes the weight of the world
I love You
All of my hope is in You
Jesus Christ take my life
Take all of me
You stand on mountain tops with me
With You I walk through the valleys
You gave Your only Son for me
Your grace is all I rely on
I love You so, and I give up my heart to say
I need You so, my everything"
How can I have anything else to say? How do you follow that? You don't.
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7