Sunday, October 31, 2010


This is the first time in a long time that I feel absolutely ok! Things are going to be alright.

I'm ok, you're ok, we're all ok. Or, should I say I'm not ok, you're not ok, and we're all gonna be not ok together, ok? But we're going to keep trying our best to be ok.

Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok.

There seems to be a really high premium on ok. What classifies ok?

I don't know, and I don't have any answers today, but that's ok. (Say whaaat?)

I got a very nice note last night from a friend on Facebook. Sometimes when I write, I just feel like I'm crazy and I don't make any sense. Maybe sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who goes through it, or at least I'm the only person who talks about it. The note last made me feel like I'm really not alone in my crazy thoughts and feelings. There's no guidebook, we're just all trying to figure this stuff out. I think we just think there's something wrong with us when things don't go the way we think they should.

How should things go? What do we base that on? We base it on the experiences that others have, but why do we do that? No one on earth is going to have the exact same experience as anyone else. That was confusing, let me try again. No two life experiences are exactly alike? Yes. That's what I was trying to say.

Keep on truckin!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Mind = Blown

I know I've been writing a lot lately... but I've been needing to write a lot lately. I need to get things written out instead of keeping them tangled up in my head. Sometimes they just make more sense if I just lay them out in front of me instead of keeping them in knots.

Today, I've been talking to God pretty much all day. Trying to get my brain wrapped around some things. I just can't understand no one wants to date me, but it's OK for them to keep me around as long as they need something. If someone needs something, I'm the first one to jump up and help. If they need to talk, I'm the first to listen and give comfort. If they're sick and they need something, I jump in my car. If they need an errand run, I run it.

I think it's because I feel like I need to earn peoples love. I feel like I need to do things for them so they'll like me.

Where does this come from?

I was driving home this afternoon and just pouring out my heart to God about how badly I want a relationship, but at the same time I'm becoming increasingly annoyed with people. I was giving him my big laundry list of things I want my future "Mr. Whatsit" to do and be when He smacked me across the face with a big realization. (And when I say big, I mean big.)

"You don't want a boyfriend. You want a Saviour. And you already have One."

That's it!

That's why I'm so frikkin disgusted with people and myself. I'm trying to save them and in return, I want them to save me.

Neither one of those things are going to happen. Ever. Not our job. We are absolutely and completely incapable of saving anything. (I can't even save Fred, my houseplant, from certain death.)

It's our job to look to God and let Him save us! Now, that doesn't mean we can go around going "La la la la la la la! I don't have to do anything! God's gonna save me from every icky thing in life! La la la la la la laaaaa!!!"? Of course not! That's just ridiculous!

What I mean is that I don't have to go around trying to make everyone happy and trying to fix my family and my friends problems and do everything for them. I fail miserably at that anyway, so why am I putting all that pressure on myself? In putting all that pressure on myself, I put myself in a position of pride. I want to be on a pedestal. I want everyone to go "Oh my goodness. That Katie Hurl is just the nicest, sweetest girl. Did you hear what she did for me? I think she is just the most awesome person. Look at that smile! Why is she not a super model! That girl should have her own TV show!" (Ok, so maybe I embellished that....a lot)

When I fail or if something doesn't work out, I go into "Woe is me" mode. Victim mentality, much?

I don't realize I do that. In fact, this is just pouring out while I'm typing and I am downright embarrassed! I want it to look like I'm doing things for others, but I am driven by purely selfish motives. I want to look like I have it all together when in reality, I go home crying and empty every night.

So, I look to others, I look to works, I look to things to save me. I have my Saviour right here, and I just keep telling Him that He's in my way and I push Him to the side. "I want the glory for this. I want to look like the strong person, here. I don't need you. I want the credit."

Lord, forgive me! I have sinned against you in this area for so long, I can't even remember a time that I didn't think like this. Re-train me! Start from scratch! Erase everything! I don't want to do this anymore! Take away my pride and the idols I have put in Your place for so long. Please help me to seek out healthy relationships. Thank you for the blessings that You've already given me and help me to focus on them instead of what I think I need.


Red Flags (and White Ones)

I don't know why I think I can't be shocked anymore. I don't know why I keep insisting that things are black and white. I don't know why I keep telling myself that things are exactly as I see them. No one has any secrets. No one has bad thoughts.

I don't know why I keep assuming that there's going to be someone out there for me. And I don't know why I keep thinking if he's out there, he's some perfect Prince Charming. But how bad is too bad? How much is too much? If no one's perfect, what am I looking for? How much imperfection is ok? If you're looking for red flags, everyone has them. Am I looking for fire engine red? Crimson? What about a light pink?

What are the red flags that people see when they look at me?

I'm officially giving up. Not in a pouty "I'm giving up! Oh, look at me. I'm depressed. Blah, blah, blah." It's an "I'm completely fed up with this whole mess. Lord, move or move me. Get me away from the pain. I know pain is always going to be around, just move me away from pain of this magnitude. I am in a pit and I cannot crawl out on my own. I can't even stand up. Please, carry me out of this."

That kind of giving up.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Of Body Image

Hi. My name is Katie, and I have a problem.

I'm flippin sick and tired of people griping about my looks!

I have lumps and bumps where bikini models don't. I have pasty white Irish skin, and my hair started going grey when I was 17. I was informed that I had cellulite on the back of my legs when I was 12. Twelve! Who even knows what cellulite is when they're 12? It was summer and I was wearing shorts. I'm pretty sure I haven't worn shorts out of the house since. I've had a tummy since I was 4. My forehead is too big and my teeth are too small.

Who flippin cares?

You know what? If I had a private chef, a personal trainer, someone batting food away from my mouth, I quit my job so I could work out 18 hrs a day, AND a professional airbrusher to airbrush every picture taken of me, yeah, I could look like a "model". (Side note, even models don't look like models. They have good teams.)

Why are we held up to such an impossible standard? And we are usually held to that standard by significant others (or in my case lately, total strangers). I've found that people who complain about looks are usually insecure about their looks. I've never put that that high a premium on looks (*cough cough* obviously). You want me to look like Jessica Alba? Seriously? Like Jessica Alba would look at you twice? Give me a break.

I'm happy with myself. Yes, there are probably jiggly parts that could use a little less jiggle, but if it weren't for people reminding me of that, I could really care less. Some day, I will find someone who loves me jiggles and all! How 'bout them apples?

My hair's been short, then long, then short, then long, then short (you get the idea) all in hopes to please others. I wear this, wear that, wear this much makeup, take the makeup off, (you guessed it) just to please others.

My body will never be perfect. My hair will never be perfect. Someone is always going to find a problem with my makeup. I am never going to be wearing the right clothes at the right time.

Who cares? (As long as I'm not frightening small children.)

Bottom line, someone out there is going to love us just exactly how we are. We're going to be someone's type. And if that never happens, we'll always be God's type.

So quit griping! I'm putting on my brown shirt and black pants and going to Wal-Mart now!

Just kidding...or am I?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


I'm trying to untangle my thoughts this morning, all to no avail, so I'll just keep it short and sweet.

If you don't have something nice to say, just keep it to yourself. You have no idea of the power of your words. Someone can start a conversations with you feeling as high as a kite and through your words you can tear them down to nothing. No one is better than anyone else and just because you might think negatively of a situation, that does not mean it's bad.

Words have power.

We're all in this life together, and we're all just doing our best to get through.

Be kind.

If you don't want someone saying unkind things to you, don't say unkind things to others. If you don't want people to laugh and sneer at you, don't laugh and sneer at others. If you don't want people to tear you down, don't tear others down.

If you want to be lifted up, lift others up. If you want to be blessed, bless others.

Matthew 7:12
Luke 6:38

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


I read this poem for the first time this morning and I'm not gonna lie, it made me a teensy bit teary-eyed. (I still can't decide if I had that reaction because I'm single, or because I just love my dog so much. Haha!)

"Falling in Love is Like Owning a Dog" an epithalamion by Taylor Mali

First of all, it's a big responsibility,
especially in a city like New York.
So think long and hard before deciding on love.
On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:
when you're walking down the street late at night
and you have a leash on love ain't no one going to mess with you.
Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable.
Who knows what love could do in its own defense?

On cold winter nights, love is warm.
It lies between you and lives and breathes
and makes funny noises.
Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.
It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn't like being left alone for long.
But come home and love is always happy to see you.
It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,
but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time? No! No!
Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

Love makes messes.
Love leaves you little surprises here and there.
Love needs lots of cleaning up after.
Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.
Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper
and swat love on the nose,
not so much to cause pain,
just to let love know Don't you ever do that again!

Sometimes love just wants to go for a nice long walk.
Because love loves exercise.
It runs you around the block and leaves you panting.
It pulls you in several different directions at once,
or winds around and around you
until you're all wound up and can't move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.
People who have nothing in common but love
stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back,
again, and again, and again.
But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.
And in return, love loves you and never stops.

(My baby, Cordelia, in 2004)

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Plan B

I'm not usually this weepy. I'm usually not this emotional. This is a season that I am walking through. Just like the seasons of the year, it will pass and change into something completely different.

But for right now, I'm walking through this one. I do not like it. I'm not a fan. I want to hand it back and say "I'm sorry, I think there's been a mistake." But there is no mistake.

While I was talking to my Mom on the phone yesterday (after my last blog entry), I finally had a meltdown. Between the funeral yesterday, and following a crazy rabbit trail of YouTube videos, I had hit my limit.

The YouTube videos were about Todd and Angie Smith. A friend on Facebook had posted the original video, but it was just a song and a collection of pictures. I needed to know the story behind the pictures. The story, in a nutshell, was that during their 20 week ultrasound, they had been informed that their daughter Audrey Caroline had some severe birth defects and would not live. They decided to carry her to term and she only lived two and a half hours. The man conducting the interview kept referring to it as "Plan B". "What do you do when your plans fall apart? When your child dies, when you're served divorce papers, when you lose your job... Will you trust Him when you're walking through Plan B? Is He still there?"

My Jesus is still here. And He is still the same.

There I was, sitting on the front porch telling her all about the videos when I got smacked in the face with a reality.

My problem isn't "Plan B". My problem is that I haven't buried my "Plan A" yet. I've been living in a dream just hoping I would wake up and that it had all been some terrible mistake. Well, it was a mistake, but not one that I could blame on anyone else. I guess I thought if I just kept "Plan A" in my pocket a little while longer, I'd wake up and everything would be ok.

It's not ok. "Plan A" is dead, and I need to let God lead me to a different ok, an ok that I hadn't planned.

Before bed last night, it really hit me. Like, I was on the floor in my bathroom just rocking back and forth weeping. I was praying, but no words would come. I was yelling, cursing, just flat out angry, but with no words. I think there might have been one word, over and over again:"Why? Why is this happening? Why do I have to go through this?" And like the loving Father He is, He just let me be angry. He let me yell at Him.

And He held me.

I buried "Plan A" last night. And I know that "Plan B" is going to be spectacular. I just need to stop hanging on to the dead plan and move on. I keep thinking to myself "It shouldn't have turned out that way." You know what? It shouldn't have, but it did. Tough cookies. Move on.

I refuse to be chained to a dead plan. I refuse to let bitterness and anger win. I refuse to let abuse cripple me. I REFUSE.

God has a better plan for me. He has something that is going to be better than anything I could ever imagine for myself. I just have to be patient. I told my Mom this morning "I am sitting here waiting for someone that I don't know, and I don't know when they're going to get here." That is the hardest. We live in an age of instant gratification, a culture that screams "Give me what I want, and give it to me now!".

"Plan A" didn't include a divorce. "Plan A" didn't leave me childless. "Plan A" didn't have me 25 and single.

"Plan A" was my plan. "Plan A" is dead and buried.

Now, I'm walking through "Plan B". I'm trusting God to get me through this and letting Him lead the way.

Friday, October 22, 2010


I barely knew Kristi Hansen, but I knew I liked her. The first time I met her, I was behind the counter at McPherson Eye Care, checking in one of her daughters for an appointment. I noticed right away her crazy energy, her smile, her laugh. I noticed she was wearing a crazy curly wig, and I ordinarily would've been appalled, but it somehow suited her. I didn't know this woman, but I wanted to be just like her. I did all the paperwork and handed the chart to another one of the techs who took her back. I noticed a small group gathered in the business office and whispering, so I went back to find out what was going on. They informed me that Kristi had been fighting cancer for five years. The woman with the huge amount of energy and the 3 small children? Wait. I must've missed the person they were talking about! She came in a few more times in the years I worked for MEC. My favorite time was when she came in just gushing about her VW Beetle. She just kept asking "Isn't it just the cutest thing?" and it was. A few months ago, my best friend Kristin and I moved in to the little white house next door to the Hansens. The Saturday after we moved in, the doorbell rang. There was Kristi, same crazy curls, a little less energy, and standing there with a basket and a card for us, welcoming us to the neighborhood. We talked to her for awhile and she told us that her husband was at a concert with the kids, but she wasn't able to go. The three of us chit-chatted for awhile and then she walked home. In the basket was an orchid that we promptly named "Gertrude". Gertrude found a home in the south window, facing the Hansen's house. I didn't know Kristi Hansen very well, but I approved of her taste in flowers.

This morning, I attended her funeral.

I saw hundreds of pictures on the slideshow. A sneak peak into a picture perfect life. I saw the red eyes and heard the sniffles of countless family and friends. I saw three children following a casket into a santuary while their father walked close behind.

They buried Kristi Hansen today, but only her body is gone. Her spirit is very much alive and well. And while my heart breaks for her family and those she left behind, I am very much rejoicing for her. She no longer in pain, and she is home.

"Well done, good and faithful servant."

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Mad Ramblings


I'm staring blankly at that little word above and trying to think of something to write that is epically magnificent, but here I still sit. My fingers tapping the keys, just TRYING to make something eloquent flow.

It's not happening.

Could it be that I have nothing on my mind? Far from it.

Could it be that I have TOO MUCH on my mind? That's more like it.

Could it be that I have no idea to wrap my head around what exactly is going on? THAT'S IT!!!

So I'm going to sit here and listen to Peter Gabriel and answer phones. And listen to customers go on and on about things that are beyond my control. (All this while I try to still wrap my mind around what I'm trying to say here...)

Basically, I am just not OK with life. Not in an emo way, I'm just fed up with the lie of it all. When you're born, you just take life for granted and you think you're untouchable. You watch Disney movies. Nothing bad or wrong is going to happen to you. That happens to other people, not you. So, when you're 17 and going through a major depression and you feel like it's your responsibility to make everybody happy and keep everyone together, you just shut down. You can't talk to anybody about it because "That happens to other people, not me." Even in the Christian community, you don't talk about depression because we have Jesus in our lives. We're happy because we have Him. No frown zone. (I guess I should say religious community.) You just plaster on a smile and you pretend that everything is a-OK. You don't talk to people about about how you just can't take it so you physically punish yourself. You start dating someone because he's the only boy who has ever talked to you and you just think that he's as good as it's going to get. He tells you what you want to hear and he promises you the moon. You get married and go into baby mode because it's just the natural progression of life. You put up with being treated like crap and living paycheck to paycheck because it's better than crawling home to Mom and Dad. After 2 years of taking all you can take, you're crumpled up on the bedroom floor bawling because your divorce was finalized. You wake up next to your dog. People ask you how your ex is, and you tell them you have no idea because you're no longer together and they congratulate you. That makes you even more sad because part of you still cares for him. You put up with your family and friends telling you that you need to do this or that or the other. You put up with negative comments from people about almost everything you do.

(Now, please note. There have been some positives that have come out of the last few years. It hasn't been ALL bad, and most days I do very well. I'm just trying to paint a picture here.)

Then the other day, I woke up (next to the dog) and I thought to myself. "Who decided this?" Who decided that you're only fulfilled when you're with someone else? Who decided that you're engagement is only valid if you get a diamond? Who decided that you have to get married, have a house with with a white picket fence and 3 children who play soccer all by the time you're 30? Who decided that you have to have a college degree or a high paying job for your life to count?

Life sucks. Life is pain. We aren't owed anything. What we are owed, we won't even get because God, in His mercy, sent His Son to take it all for us!

Who decided that we're entitled to anything?

So, here it is in a nutshell. Life is bad with a few sprinkles of wonderful. I love my family, I love my dog, I love my friends. I'm actually starting to open up to the thought of loving someone again. I'm going to get through this, and I'm most likely going to get through it very unconventionally. But I'm going to get through it!

No body's better than anyone else. We're all screwed up. The more you try to cover it up, the more it will come out. Love one another, and just do the best you can.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Nitty Gritty

Ok. I'm making an absolute decision to keep up with this blog. No ifs, ands, or butts. (I don't even know if there's supposed to be apostrophes there. I don't even care.)

I've made about 10 of these little things through the years and I always give up on them. Mostly because things get too depressing or negative or boring so I just start over. I guess I think that if i start over, it's like none of those things ever happened in my life and it makes me feel better about myself. The issue though is that those things DO happen and I'm doing myself a disservice by attempting to white them out.

So, here's the dirt. I'm 25, I've been officially divorced for almost a year, I'm still single, my Mom was just diagnosed with breast cancer, and I have a very unhealthy relationship with food.


Well, it's not pretty at all, but this is me. (I'm hoping it's just a phase.)