I know I've been writing a lot lately... but I've been needing to write a lot lately. I need to get things written out instead of keeping them tangled up in my head. Sometimes they just make more sense if I just lay them out in front of me instead of keeping them in knots.
Today, I've been talking to God pretty much all day. Trying to get my brain wrapped around some things. I just can't understand no one wants to date me, but it's OK for them to keep me around as long as they need something. If someone needs something, I'm the first one to jump up and help. If they need to talk, I'm the first to listen and give comfort. If they're sick and they need something, I jump in my car. If they need an errand run, I run it.
I think it's because I feel like I need to earn peoples love. I feel like I need to do things for them so they'll like me.
Where does this come from?
I was driving home this afternoon and just pouring out my heart to God about how badly I want a relationship, but at the same time I'm becoming increasingly annoyed with people. I was giving him my big laundry list of things I want my future "Mr. Whatsit" to do and be when He smacked me across the face with a big realization. (And when I say big, I mean big.)
"You don't want a boyfriend. You want a Saviour. And you already have One."
That's why I'm so frikkin disgusted with people and myself. I'm trying to save them and in return, I want them to save me.
Neither one of those things are going to happen. Ever. Not our job. We are absolutely and completely incapable of saving anything. (I can't even save Fred, my houseplant, from certain death.)
It's our job to look to God and let Him save us! Now, that doesn't mean we can go around going "La la la la la la la! I don't have to do anything! God's gonna save me from every icky thing in life! La la la la la la laaaaa!!!"? Of course not! That's just ridiculous!
What I mean is that I don't have to go around trying to make everyone happy and trying to fix my family and my friends problems and do everything for them. I fail miserably at that anyway, so why am I putting all that pressure on myself? In putting all that pressure on myself, I put myself in a position of pride. I want to be on a pedestal. I want everyone to go "Oh my goodness. That Katie Hurl is just the nicest, sweetest girl. Did you hear what she did for me? I think she is just the most awesome person. Look at that smile! Why is she not a super model! That girl should have her own TV show!" (Ok, so maybe I embellished that....a lot)
When I fail or if something doesn't work out, I go into "Woe is me" mode. Victim mentality, much?
I don't realize I do that. In fact, this is just pouring out while I'm typing and I am downright embarrassed! I want it to look like I'm doing things for others, but I am driven by purely selfish motives. I want to look like I have it all together when in reality, I go home crying and empty every night.
So, I look to others, I look to works, I look to things to save me. I have my Saviour right here, and I just keep telling Him that He's in my way and I push Him to the side. "I want the glory for this. I want to look like the strong person, here. I don't need you. I want the credit."
Lord, forgive me! I have sinned against you in this area for so long, I can't even remember a time that I didn't think like this. Re-train me! Start from scratch! Erase everything! I don't want to do this anymore! Take away my pride and the idols I have put in Your place for so long. Please help me to seek out healthy relationships. Thank you for the blessings that You've already given me and help me to focus on them instead of what I think I need.