I'm staring blankly at that little word above and trying to think of something to write that is epically magnificent, but here I still sit. My fingers tapping the keys, just TRYING to make something eloquent flow.
It's not happening.
Could it be that I have nothing on my mind? Far from it.
Could it be that I have TOO MUCH on my mind? That's more like it.
Could it be that I have no idea to wrap my head around what exactly is going on? THAT'S IT!!!
So I'm going to sit here and listen to Peter Gabriel and answer phones. And listen to customers go on and on about things that are beyond my control. (All this while I try to still wrap my mind around what I'm trying to say here...)
Basically, I am just not OK with life. Not in an emo way, I'm just fed up with the lie of it all. When you're born, you just take life for granted and you think you're untouchable. You watch Disney movies. Nothing bad or wrong is going to happen to you. That happens to other people, not you. So, when you're 17 and going through a major depression and you feel like it's your responsibility to make everybody happy and keep everyone together, you just shut down. You can't talk to anybody about it because "That happens to other people, not me." Even in the Christian community, you don't talk about depression because we have Jesus in our lives. We're happy because we have Him. No frown zone. (I guess I should say religious community.) You just plaster on a smile and you pretend that everything is a-OK. You don't talk to people about about how you just can't take it so you physically punish yourself. You start dating someone because he's the only boy who has ever talked to you and you just think that he's as good as it's going to get. He tells you what you want to hear and he promises you the moon. You get married and go into baby mode because it's just the natural progression of life. You put up with being treated like crap and living paycheck to paycheck because it's better than crawling home to Mom and Dad. After 2 years of taking all you can take, you're crumpled up on the bedroom floor bawling because your divorce was finalized. You wake up next to your dog. People ask you how your ex is, and you tell them you have no idea because you're no longer together and they congratulate you. That makes you even more sad because part of you still cares for him. You put up with your family and friends telling you that you need to do this or that or the other. You put up with negative comments from people about almost everything you do.
(Now, please note. There have been some positives that have come out of the last few years. It hasn't been ALL bad, and most days I do very well. I'm just trying to paint a picture here.)
Then the other day, I woke up (next to the dog) and I thought to myself. "Who decided this?" Who decided that you're only fulfilled when you're with someone else? Who decided that you're engagement is only valid if you get a diamond? Who decided that you have to get married, have a house with with a white picket fence and 3 children who play soccer all by the time you're 30? Who decided that you have to have a college degree or a high paying job for your life to count?
Life sucks. Life is pain. We aren't owed anything. What we are owed, we won't even get because God, in His mercy, sent His Son to take it all for us!
Who decided that we're entitled to anything?
So, here it is in a nutshell. Life is bad with a few sprinkles of wonderful. I love my family, I love my dog, I love my friends. I'm actually starting to open up to the thought of loving someone again. I'm going to get through this, and I'm most likely going to get through it very unconventionally. But I'm going to get through it!
No body's better than anyone else. We're all screwed up. The more you try to cover it up, the more it will come out. Love one another, and just do the best you can.