Eureka

(WARNING: This is probably going to be more of the same old same old. It's gonna be all over the place...again. But that's how my brain operates. My bad.)

I seriously gotta stop having weekends. They make me think too much and they make me feel like a psycho person!!! (This is different how???)

I spent all day Saturday close to a weepy mess. All. Day. I was slightly happy, then I'd get down again. Slightly happy, then wanting to beat someone. All. Day.

Once again, the cause? Relationships. Or lack of relationships. Or a complete lack of decision on the subject.

I found myself being sucked into one of those "You're my friend, but I might like you as more than a friend, and you might like me as more than a friend, but upon closer inspection you don't like me as more than a friend, so that makes me not like you like that and you're talking about other girls and you're making me mad because I don't want you to want them, I want you to want me, but I don't really want you to want me, I just don't want you to want anyone else" relationships.

Yeah. One of those. (Don't roll your eyes at me, you know exactly what I'm talking about!)

The thing is, why can't you make your feelings match what you know? For example: "I know I don't want to be with you, I know we would kill each other, but I feel like I wanna try."

No. I really don't. It would be a bloodbath.

"You don't love me. You love the idea of me."

Eureka.

I love the idea of someone to cuddle with. I love the idea of not having to sleep alone. I love the idea of having someone to go places with. I love the idea of having someone who wants to kiss me.

But that's where it stops.

I want the hard candy shell, but I'm not ready for the soft center.

I want the outward appearances and actions, but I'm not ready for the core. I'm not ready for someone to know me like that again. (Even though I'm pretty sure the ex didn't have a clue about me.)

"You try too hard."

He's right, and I hate him for it.

I'm sick of trying so hard to make people like me or want me. I want someone who just likes me or wants me for who I am. (The good stuff, and the messy stuff at the same time.)

There is Someone who does love me, more than anyone on earth ever will. But for some reason, I can't even convince myself that He loves me.

I'm terrible to Him.

He still loves me.

I keep looking for someone else.

He still loves me.

I keep trying to fill myself with almost anything but Him.

He still loves me.

He's the last person on my mind.

He still loves me.

I keep trying to live up to His standards and follow His rules so He will love me, but not only is it futile, it is unnecessary.

He always loves me.

He saves me. He redeems me. He takes care of me. He takes away every bad thing I've done...

But I have to let go of it first.

He is my Savior, He's right here, and I just look around Him.

I still keep trying to do this on my own. I think I can save myself.

Answer me this: Why is the thought of doing it myself easier to deal with than the thought of handing it over to Him?

I read this verse this morning:

"So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!" Romans 8:12-14 (The Message)

I love how I think that I'm the only person who has ever had or will ever have this problem. Paul only wrote that 1,955(ish) years ago.

I also read this gem last night:

"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life." 1 Corinthians 7:17a (The Message)

Where I am right now is God's place for me. That is both comforting and terrifying, humbling and hard to swallow all at the same time.

I just have to give up and let Him in.

(Btw, I know this sounds all depressing, but I really couldn't be in a better mood today!!!)