I don't even reeeally know what to write today. I have no answers to anything I'm going through right now.
My Mom told me to put God first this morning. That's what I've been TRYING to do!
"You make it sound so easy!" I said. "You make it sound like if you put God first, you'll be skipping through a meadow for the rest of your life! That's not the case!"
I've tried and tried. I did a good job for awhile. I had tried waiting on God and He wasn't doing things fast enough, so I when I was younger, I took matters into my own hands.
Bad move. (And I'll be the first to admit that one.)
What I take issue with is people acting like giving things to God is as easy as apple pie.
"I hate my life."
"Give it to God!"
"Um...ok... but I still hate my life..."
They pretend that there's not any emotion. Did you forget what it is like to be lower than low? Can you just identify with me where I'm at right now? Yeah, I'm not a good kid, but I'm not the worst either. (I'm not saying this about my Mom, because she helped me a lot this morning, I'm saying this about a lot of Christian adults in general.)
Did they forget what it was like to feel this way? To be sad, young(ish), single, horny, and wanting to belong somewhere or with someone? (And don't give me the whole "You belong with God! He loves you!" argument. I know that. I'm talking physical person. I'm getting the frustration out!)
They act like there's just some magical switch that you can flip and all the bad feelings go away. If you have these feelings, you're a bad Christian. (FYI, you're not. You're just a normal human being with normal wants and hormones. It's about how you handle them.)
In fact, let's just stop talking in terms of "Christianity" and start talking in terms of "what God wants".
That's the whole problem. Religion presents us with a set of rules to abide by and great condemnation if we slip up.
God gives us rules because He loves us and He knows bad things happen if we don't follow those guidelines. He still loves us, even if we mess up. He's not gonna hit us with a stick. He just doesn't want us to hurt.
My problem is that I'm just at a place of great despair. I know God isn't some magical fairy who goes around granting wishes as soon as we ask for something. (I'm not stupid.) But what if you've been earnestly praying for something sooo hard and for soooo long and you can't see any movement?
A person's going to get discouraged.
And that's where I'm at. I keep clawing my way up the side of the pit, only to fall back.
This has been "my" song for awhile:
"Hard to Get" by Rich Mullins
You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do You remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get.
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get
And I know You bore our sorrows
And I know You feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow
All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get