Monday, December 27, 2010

Excited and Terrified

First off, let me say something. In my blog about Christmas, I edited out a paragraph that went something like this:

"I always find myself comparing Christmases to 2004. I don't know why, but that has just always been the 'epic' Christmas that I always compare to. It was my first Christmas with a boyfriend, and I had new friends from church. I always get sad this time of year because nothing will ever live up to that. I'm obviously not with the boy anymore and out of all those friends, only 2 still talk to me..."

That being said, let me just tell you that unlike the rest of 2010, this Christmas

Yes. It was THAT epic. I was up till at LEAST 4:30am every night of my break. Two of those nights involved manic games of "Trouble" with my brother and Nate (Brant even got in on the action Christmas night). There were Ihop trips, drives (complete with emergency stops at random gas stations in Goddard and me having to pee so bad that I use the mens bathroom), eating out, ice skating, shopping, my parents actually eating an unscheduled meal at Ihop with Willie and I on Christmas Eve, looking at Christmas lights, watching "It's a Wonderful Life", listening to lots of music, being at Dillons Marketplace in front of the fire talking until employees came over and started to creep us out (around 2am), breakfast with everyone yesterday morning (Brant and Nate crashed in the basement the night before), being at Grandma's for Christmas Day... Of course I'm jumping around and of course I'm either forgetting or leaving some things out, but what I want to say is that I'm incredibly thankful for everyone I spent my break with. (BFF's AND family.) It was nice to get out of town and live for once. I think I'm finally starting to come out of my shell and live a bit and I think I like it! (I KNOW I do.)
With all that of that fun stuff happening in a matter of 72 hrs, you can imagine that the trip home was kind of a downer, but still hopeful. It was one of those "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." things. (Thank you, Dr. Seuss.) It was just that I wanted it to KEEP GOING!!! I tend to be kind of pessimistic about friendships at times. Kind of like "Oh! This was so much fun! It's never gonna happen again..."
*Cue Debbie Downer Wa-wa's*
It IS going to happen again.
I've got to stop basing things on past experience and tear down some of those walls! Good grief! I have got to stop thinking that people won't like me if I show my true self. I have to quit being paranoid about that. There are plenty of people who do like me and I need to concentrate on them instead of trying to prove something to those who don't!
I was driving and listening to the new CD I got for Christmas ("Albertine" by Brooke Fraser. Go get it NOW!) and I was just thinking about everything God brought me through this year. I have hated this year...a lot. (and '08, and '09... haha) I don't know what it is, but I just feel like 2011 is going to be a very good year for me.
I was just outside of Newton and I heard the words
"For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know You
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming"
When it got to the "Hope is coming for me, hope is coming for me" part, I just started bawling!
I have zero clue what's coming up for me in my life, but I am ready for a change. I'm sick of doing what's comfortable. I want what God has for my life. Not what I want, but what HE truly wants. I feel like it's gonna be big and the prospect of that is terrifying. In the past, I've always told God "Do what you want with my life, but keep me or put me here, at this time, and do this, and make sure it includes a husband and babies."
I am SOOOOOOO over that!!!
I'm in "Show me what You want. Do what You will" mode. I don't even care about the husband and babies at this point! (*cue the faints*) I know it's gonna hurt to be stretched, but I'd rather risk that than wait for rigor mortis to set in.
All of that to say that my goal for the new year (and the rest of December) is to lighten up, stop being so dang negative, find out what my passion in life is, and stop being paralyzed by fear.
I can't wait!!!

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