Monday, December 13, 2010

Hello, Rejection, My Old Friend.

I really did it this weekend.

I mean DID IT.

I managed to tear off a scab that had been quite happily in place for a long time. And when I say "tear" I mean rip off as hard as I could. You'd be hard pressed to find someone who could do a better job than I did this weekend.

Friday night, I made the mistake of watching one of my favorite movies "Almost Famous". At least I didn't watch it alone. There are two reasons why this was a bad move. A) The first time I watched it was with my ex 6 years ago (around Christmas, I might add). B) The whole movie deals with "band-aid" Penny Lane (Kate Hudson) who just wants to be loved by rock star Russell Hammond (Billy Crudup) and gets rejected over and over and over again. The only person who can't see it is her. She falls for him every time. And every time, he uses her and throws her away.


I was kind of OK (keeping it together, anyway) until the part where Penny goes "Why doesn't he love me?".

It's a good thing I was watching it with people or I would've done one of two things. A) Sobbed uncontrollably or B) Gotten so angry, I trashed my house.

Why is it that for every 1 person who loves us, there seems to be 10 who will use, hurt, or reject us? And why do we set ourselves up for it every blasted time?

Why is it that to make a list of people who love us takes so long, but we can make the list of people who've hurt us in a heartbeat?

Why are we not good enough for some people, but more importantly, why do we want to be good enough? Why do we try to make people like us, instead of finding one who just does? (And not people who like us until they get what they want. People who just like us. Period.)

I cried and cried and cried last night. My face looks like someone's beat the crap out of me. My eyes are soooo swollen.

I got up this morning feeling a bit better. I was praying while I was getting ready to shower and I was just asking God to help me through the day. I apologized to Him for constantly letting Him (and myself) down. I asked Him to take my hurt away. I just can't figure out what I want from someone that I can't get from Him. I want someone here physically, I guess. I want someone to comfort me and hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright. (Obviously I've succeeded in finding this so called person.) I know this person doesn't really exist. I know this person just lives in my silly little mind.

I was shampooing my hair and I just started singing (very loudly, I might add.)

"Oh gently lay your head
Upon My chest
And I will comfort you like a mother
While you rest..."

Whoa. I hadn't heard that song since I was at least 16. It was my number one jam for about a week, and then it was gone. "I Am" by Jill Phillips. I remembered every last word, and that was 9 years ago!!!

What is happening? I never sing out loud in the shower! Especially when my roommate is home.

"...The tide can change so fast
But I will stay
The same through past
The same in future, same today

I am constant
I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy
I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
You're hearts desires

Oh weary, tired, and worn,
Let out your sighs
And drop that heavy load you hold
Cause Mine is light

I know you through and through
There's no need to hide
I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide

I am constant
I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy
I am wise
And I'm the only one who knows your hearts desires
Your hearts desires

Oh gently lay your head
Upon My chest
And I will comfort you like a mother
While you rest."

It would be a lot easier to be miserable and argue with God if He wasn't right all the dang time!

1 comment:

  1. Nail has been struck firmly on the head here miss Katie...I know exactly how you feel..and even tho I don't have an ex per se, it still hurts when they reject you before even giving you a chance to let them know you. You're not alone girl, much love..Gina :)