Tuesday, November 16, 2010

November 16

Walking into work today, I smelled the distinct odor of cow manure. How fitting. It is November 16th, after all.

I'm very torn on how to feel about today. Today would've marked my ex and I's 6th (dating)anniversary. (I don't even know if I used proper grammar on that one, and you know what? I don't even care! *Shock! Gasp! Horror!*)

I should just be happy, I guess. I should look back at the past happy times with fondness and move on. I should be thankful that I am where I am today. I should...

Should is a terrible word.

I think I still have a lot of unresolved feelings. I have days of deep, deep sadness. I have days where I'm more angry than I ever thought myself capable of. I have days of both. My feelings aren't the only things unresolved, the relationship was never resolved. I mean, yes. It ended. It needed to. I am 100% sure that was the right decision. It's just that I'll never know to what extent things were going on. There are some days I want to know, other days there's no way in hell.

I guess I should just be glad that I don't know. I should be glad that I don't have more weighing on me than I already do. (There's that dang "should" word again!)

But at the same time, it's really hard losing the person who was your best friend. I haven't seen or talked to him in a year and a half. (My family and friends assure me that not only is this a good thing, but also they will kill me if they find that I've had any contact with him whatsoever.) I think about him all the time. I mean, it's impossible for me not to! I was married to the man for Pete's sake! It only becomes dangerous when I start over-glamorizing things. I tend to remember the good things and I put them on a pedestal. I shut out the bad. That's not healthy, I need to remember the good and bad. I need to remember why I'm where I'm at now.


I greatly dislike this.

I don't like being a weepy mess. I don't like dreading the holidays because of memories. I don't like the fact that I set goals (perhaps unrealistic) for myself to accomplish by this time and they haven't happened.


I'm trying to put on a happy face, and dangit I'm going to! But I would also be doing myself a disservice if I just pushed things into a corner to deal with them later. I've done the "later" thing and "later" is now.


Did I mention I really really hate this?


"And Katie, what are you thankful for?"
"I'm thankful for razors and that I'll get to use one in approximately 14 days."

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