Every now and then I become completely obsessed with a song. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does... uh oh. That song for me right now is "Hero of the Day" by Metallica. (I'm writing a blog about a Metallica song?) Yes, I've heard that song for years but this week I heard it for the first time in awhile and I just held onto it like a kid holds onto his teddy bear when there's a monster in his room.
I've heard a lot of different opinions on what the song is about, but for me it just reminds me of my years of being a prodigal child. So much of it just relates to my feelings when I look back on that time in my life. It's painful. I hate myself for it. I don't want to break the song down line by line and tell you how it all translates to what I did and what I felt, that would be ridiculously boring (and potentially embarrassing).
I was sitting in that cancer center last night and I was a mess. I was somewhere between just bawling my eyes out and jumping through the window and making a run for it. I had one headphone in my right ear, I was listening to that song and I was just in denial. How did we get here? This moment was most definitely not in my "Plan A". I wanted to go home. I wanted to go to my last place of true comfort. But I can't.
You see, the last place I called home was a little white house on South Oak Street. When we lived there, I hated it. I hated that it was so small, I hated that most kids in town would have nothing to do with me when they found out where I lived, I hated that it was supposed to be a "temporary" house and we never moved out of it. I couldn't wait to get out of there.
Now, I'd give anything to go back.
I wish I could just go back and beat the crap out of that dumb 19 year old who listened to everyone when they told her she had it so bad and that she needed to move out. I wish I could just punch her til she bled and then shake her and yell "YOU HAVE NOOO IDEA HOW GOOD YOU HAVE IT! YOU'RE A SPOILED BRAT! GET OVER YOURSELF! YOUR FRIENDS KNOW NOTHING AND HE'S A JACKASS. LOSE THEM. STAY HERE AND SOAK UP EVERY LAST DROP YOU CAN BECAUSE IT'S ALL GOING AWAY AND NEVER COMING BACK!"
But I can't do that, so I'm stuck here. I'm stuck here trying to soak up all that is happening. I feel like my whole world is crumbling, but at the same time nothing is happening at all. I honestly can't describe it. It's almost like slow motion, where you can tell something's going to happen and you're yelling "Noooooooooooo!!!".
I think my favorite lyric in the song is "No I'm not all me So please excuse me while I tend to how I feel". That's it in a nutshell. I don't think I've properly grieved and come to realize what is really going on. I just keep smiling, saying "It's OK." and moving on. But, is it really? How do I feel about this season in my family's life?
I feel like it's absolute shit. (Excuse my French)
I know it's not that way, but dangit that's how I feel.
Part of me just wants to rush though it but at the same time, I keep telling myself to slow down and not make the same mistake twice. I look back on those Oak Street days as the best days of my life, but I hated them at the time. I absolutely hated them. I don't want to get so caught up in trying to push all of "now" away that I don't soak it up. You never know, one day I might look back at all of this and long for it. I sincerely hope that is not the case.
I hope that things are going to start looking up for all of us, and that we'll be able to look back and say "Remember how positively awful 2010 was? Glad we made it through that!"
P.S. Please pray for my friend who's going through the radiation treatments. She's had a cyst on the remaining half of her thyroid for years, but with this whole breast cancer thing, they're wanting to biopsy it and she's not looking forward to that. (Neither am I.)