Thursday, January 6, 2011

Theeese Dreeeams

Last night, I had THE. CRAZIEST. DREAM. EVER.
(Maybe not THE craziest, but it ranks up there pretty high!)

I have zero clue as to what could have possibly brought it on, but perhaps that's for the best.

Just as a side note, I jumped directly out of bed to post this. So I look like this:




"I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and..." that's enough of that.

ANYWAY

In my dream, for some reason a friend and I decided to go to Hutchinson and go roller blading. Rollerblading? One word? Two words? Moving on... I don't like the word Rollerblade because unlike skate, you can't put an "8" in it. Doing so (Roller+bl+8) clearly indicates Rollerbl8ing, which roughly translates to Rollerblating, which simply does NOT jive. But I digress.

We were there. Doing that one thing with wheels strapped to our feet and I'm not gonna lie. I had some pretty sweet moves. I being all Nancy Kerrigan on wheels. That's right. Nancy. Kerrigan. But the awesome thing is that I was being so incredible... that absolutely no one noticed.

"Didya see THAT?"

"I want a soft pretzel."

"Ok..."

"With CHEESE!"

Thanks, friend. See if I ever bust any sweet sweet moves for you again. I coulda DIED out there!

We had to vacate the rink because it was "Anniversary Skate" and 10 married middle aged couples come out of absolutely nowhere to skate to "I Will Rescue You" by Plus One. Yeah...

There is no "Anniversary Skate" and what are the odds of 10 couples having the SAME anniversary and going to skate in Hutchinson Kansas? Why Plus One? Such a random song choice! I am displeased. How about that pretzel?

"I will rescue yeeeew. I will rescue yeeeeeew. I will shelter yew from the raaaaaaiiiinnnnnn."

They're like magical ponies, these couples. They're suddenly in evening wear and some of the dudes are CRYING from the majesty of it all.

"Whenever you're lost and confeeeewsed. Like a fairytale come treeeeeeeew. I will rescue yeeeeewwww..."

I'm so overcome with emotion...er....nausea that I have to run to the bathroom.

If you've ever been to the rink in Hutch (which I'm sure you all have...not...) you know that there are no doors on the stalls. This caused me a great deal of urinary pain as a child because I simply would NOT pee in a stall with no doors. Absolutely not. Not unless my best friend Olivia was with me and she could be my "door". Olivia was not there. I was stuck.

And just at this time, 3 other women decide they need the bathroom as well. So they need me to hurry.

Bashful bladder + time limit = severe distress.

So I just decided to sit there and carry on a normal conversation with these women and charm them into thinking they don't need to relieve themselves so they can go back to whatever "not in the bathroom" activities they wished to partake of.

Yeah. In my dreams, I'm THAT good.

At this point, I awoke from my blissful slumber to blow my nose.

As I went back to sleep, I dreamt that I was driving home with my Mom and we arrived at this house in Wichita with a 3-car garage. I naturally assumed this was her house and I was going to help her unload groceries when she let out a scream. Her Rav-4 had somehow removed itself from "Park" and was running amok across the yard of this beautiful home.

"Oh no! He's gonna kill me! Make the car stop!"

Apparently, my Mother is under the assumption that I'm part Harrison Ford and that I can stop this car from causing certain death and destruction.

"I'm on it!"

Fortunately for me, the car is just driving back and forth at a leisurely jaunt so jumping into the drivers seat through the open window (what good fortune!) was easily done.

Savage car subdued. Yet again, I save the day.

"Oh, Katie! Thank you so much! The lawn isn't too bad, do you think your husband will notice?"

*Gulp* What? Husband? A) I have one? B) Why would he care if you put tire marks in your lawn?

Apparently, we were at MY house.

"I have a husband? AND a house with a 3-car garage? What joy! What felicity! What...are you smoking?"

I guess I had a husband...and he was inside the house. And my Mom was leaving so I could go join him... inside the house.

I give her a hug as she turns to get in her car. I close the door for her and as she's getting ready to pull away, I bid her farewell with these words:



If only REAL Katie was as awesome as DREAM Katie. I can't make this crap up! I literally LAUGHED myself awake this morning!
Sometimes I worry that I'm just too weird and that no one (who's not directly related) will ever love me. But that's ok. There are worse things in life. I'm not going to pretend that I've never cried about it. I have. But life goes on.
I was telling my mom the other day "I just don't understand why people seem to like me, and talk to me, and then drop off the face of the planet. I don't want to bother them. But why don't they like me upon closer inspection? Why do I scare them off?"
Being the wonderful Mother that she is, she just looked at me and without skipping a beat said "Oh, honey. They like you. They like you so much that it scares them."
Awww... Moooommm...
Moms have a special way of making us feel less freakish. That's why they're Moms. I'm pretty sure it's a class they have to take before they push us out. (Or get sliced open on an operating table.)
I'm just gonna keep on keeping on and if I get a husband and a house with a 3-car garage, so be it. (I might even settle for a 2-car...) But I'm not going to change myself to do it.
Go in excellence and safety!

3 comments:

  1. This was excellent. Let's go blading.

    ReplyDelete
  2. of course i will :)

    ReplyDelete