Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Kitty Cats

Just a note, this could be quite offensive to some. Especially those of the male persuasion. You've been warned. You still have time to turn away, I won't think less of you.

I have been trying to write this blog for 3 whole days. It has eluded me. It has slipped through my fingers like jello coated in Vaseline. (Which would not only be very slippery, but very disgusting as well...)

Not today. Today I shall conquer it.

Fortunately for me, it's -13 degrees outside so my boss decided not to open the store until noon, thus enabling me to just beat the everloving crap out of this blog.

Today is Day Two of my experiment. Let's just say that I hope the next 363 days go just a tad better than these last two, because I'm ready to throw down. Seriously. Hellish.

I've been yelling at myself since Sunday night. Pretty much beating myself up. I just can't figure out why I keep doing the same things over and over again. It's very frustrating. I know I'm not the only person who's ever done this, but since I think I should know better, I won't let myself off the hook.

I was laying in bed last night and just praying "God, why do I keep doing this? Why do I find myself being attracted to or being friends with the same types over and over and over again? I mean, obviously it's worked out sooo well... they suck everything out of me and throw me away like a Capri Sun packet... I just can't do anything right..."

And then it hit me. It's really not me, it's them. They're jerks. Jerky, jerky, Jerks. They just want to be miserable. It's not my job to help them. I should just let them be miserable.

And then it REALLY hit me.

Men are like kitty cats. (I TOLD you to turn away!!!)

This is NJ. (Norman Joseph Kitty. Or Cat. Depending on the mood.) He's "our" cat. He came with the house. He's a pretty friendly guy sometimes... if you give him what he wants.
Here is NJ in his "I may require some attention." state. He's just letting us know that he's existing and he'd like some attention. Perhaps a nice pet on the head or a drink of water. This is his "I'm not fooling around. I am displeased by the lack of attention I am receiving." state. He's hungry and it's best to feed him instead of brushing him off. But you're running late.

As you may have already guessed, this is his "FEED ME NOW OR SUFFER THE PAIN OF ETERNAL HELLFIRE" state. It's also his "I REALLY DO NOT WISH TO CUDDLE AT THIS TIME" state.
This is my "OMG, our declawed cat somehow managed to draw blood" state.

Men are like kitty cats.

Give them what they want or face the consequences. Try to cuddle or help them and they will rip your face off.

This is obviously very confusing.
They ask "What's wrong?" and then say "DO NOT TALK TO ME! I AM NOT INTERESTED!"

They say "LOVE ME!" and then "NO! Do not love me!"

They say "HUG ME!" and then "NO! Get away from me!"

Um... which do you want?


Um... okay.

Now, I wish I had such calm reactions to these sudden and very violent mood swings. But I don't.

I react with "Oh, it's not his fault. My face was obviously in very close proximity to his claw as it was moving in the 'tornado' style."

I'm really really good at making excuses for people. I've been doing it my whole life. I'm really sick of it.
I need to start drop-kicking these cats (I wouldn't drop kick a REAL cat), locking them outside, or taking them to the vet to have them declawed.
You can come back in when you can play nice.

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