No Strings Attached

(WARNING: This post contains some major spoilers for the movie "No Strings Attached". If you're wanting to see the movie unspoiled, turn away. If you have no desire to see the film or you want to see it but wish to see my humorous take on it first, then by all means, do read.)

Roomie and I decided to go to Salina last night for dinner and a movie. (And a Target shopping spree! WOOT!) Found some awesome matching long john jammies (They highlight lumps and bumps that we didn't even know we had...), and I found some AWESOME black boots. They're flats and they zip up almost to my knees. Wicked sweet. Even sweeter? $34.99 but I scored them for $8.48. Yeah. I am THAT cool. Ate dinner at Chili's where we marveled (in shock and horror) at the waiter who looked like two of my exes combined into one person. It was scary. Almost lost my appetite...almost.

We got done eating just in time to make it to the movie. (The aforementioned "No Strings Attached", just in case you got lost.)

I learned many things from this film. The most important one being that if you have a body like Natalie Portman, you can have a sex friend who looks like Ashton Kutcher. This is good news indeed. I am no danger. (The diet starts today, btw.)

Just kidding, Mom.

I learned that after you look like NP and you procure your sf that looks like AK, HE is the one who will get attached. If you treat him like crap, he will fall madly in love with you. (Treating men like crap starts today, btw.) This will annoy you because you don't like get attached to things. You will then beat him upside his beautiful head on a Valentine's Day date. This will make him leave you alone and then you will go to your sisters wedding and realize that you have made a grave mistake and that you simply must have him back. You will drive from the wedding to his house and through a series of misunderstandings, and two boxes of doughnut holes later, you will see him. You will have powdered sugar on your face. And he will love you.

I learned that Pomeranians are uber adorable. (Also learned that roomie will stab me with a thousand knives if I attempt to get one.)

I learned that Kevin Kline is getting really old. I learned that I was not prepared to see him in his underwear. (I've learned lessons like this before. Like when I saw my "husband" Dylan Moran's butt in "Run Fatboy Run"... TWICE. I was NOT PREPARED. Yes, we are married and all, but we have one of those fancy 1800's marriages where we live in a huge mansion in the English countryside where his bedroom is on one end of the house and mine is on the other.)

ANYWAY.

Kevin Kline. Old. Not Ok. Put some clothes on. You're not the Pirate King anymore and that makes me sad. This face ---> :'(

I learned that it's not good to be a super closed off person, but it's not good to be super open either. However, I did NOT learn what the in between is... Thanks, movie.

I learned that if a guy makes you a mix CD for you while you're perioding ("I have a crime scene in my pants.") it is TRUE LOVE.

I learned that Hollywood lives to CONFUSE. And pollute your mind. And trick you into thinking that you COULD get Ashton Kutcher.

Screw you, Hollywood.