Saturday, April 30, 2011

"Sad Bastard Music"

(I can put a cuss word on my blog because I was QUOTING someone, so don't get your panties all in a knot.)

I woke up this morning feeling really heavy. I don't like that feeling. Actually, it's probably #23 on my list of least favorite feelings. (#1 being stepping in a unseen puddle of water whilst wearing socks.)

I am in SUCH a weird place. Yeah, you know. I've been saying that since October. Still there, but it keeps getting weirder. I can't really describe it. It's not "the calm before the storm" because I don't feel like a storm is coming. I just feel like I'm on the edge, like something is about to happen. But I have no clue what or who or when or how.

I'm super calm about it, but super not calm at the same time. I feel calm in my heart, but my mind is running like an insane hamster and foaming at the mouth.

I got up, turned on my Pandora and got in the shower before I noticed what station it was on. It was on my Sarah McLachlan station.

Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE Sarah, I really do. But she's not something I listen to when I want something uplifting. (Ryan calls it "Sad Bastard Music".) I listen to Sarah when it's raining or I'm with Fren or I need nice sleeping or background music.

I already had shampoo in my hair when I heard the first chord. It was tooooo late.

And it really had to be THAT song? Really Pandora?


That song sums it up on so many different levels, it's not even funny. And I mean honestly, the song didn't even bother me all that much until I got an email...

It was entitled "Good Morning, NewSpring!" and it was from Pastor Mark. I was all "YEAH! This will make me feel better!" Nope. It was reminding us that the new sermon series "Vows" is starting today.

You guessed it, it's about MARRIAGE.

So I am determined to go to church today and push through. I am not going to think about Sarah McLachlan, or that one guy I was married to that one time, or how I failed at one of the most important things in life.

I'm going to get through this.

The thing is, I thought I WAS through this. It just keeps rearing it's ugly head from time to time. Do you ever really get over something like divorce? Or does it just scab over? Does the pain ever fully go away? Or does it just dull?

It doesn't define me, yet I am painfully aware and conscious of it.

I know change is coming. I know something great is going to happen. I know I'm going to look back at this and go "OOOOHHH!!! So THAT'S what God was doing while I felt like I was losing my mind."

It's just that I don't like the "Losing my mind" stage, and it's uncomfortable.

But it's not unbearable.

P.S. I got to see my brother and Bryce today. They came to see me at work. They got to witness my insanely incredible communication skills while dealing with a difficult to understand customer. You should ask them about it.

1 comment:

  1. A list of the most important things in life:

    -Walking outside sometimes and being overwhelmed with gratitude for something simple like rain or sunshine or un-blizzard conditions.
    -Finding a family of your own--a community of friends who love you a bunch and who allow you to be yourself and like you the most when you're doing that.
    -An evident and delicious love for the family that you did not get to choose--who love you back so hard.
    -Allowing yourself to screw up a bunch and giving yourself the same amount of credit that you would give to your best friend.

    I think you are winning at those things for the most part.

    I don't know everything that's on the list for "not most important things in life" but I am indisputably certain that "marriage in and of itself" is on there.

    Also, I think that you are incredible in a lot of ways. I would be willing to list them.