Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The "R" Word

I was sleeping snugger than a bug in a rug this morning. I can't remember what I was dreaming about, (but it was good) when I heard "Katie?"

I uttered a noise that most likely sounded like the screech of a Pterodactyl. And then I threw my blanket over my head like a mature person would do.

"Can I borrow your boots?"

"The ones that are like my childrens to me?" I thought, but I'm pretty sure all that came out of my mouth was "BRAAAAAAACK!"

"My tan ones are down here if you want to wear them."


After about 5 minutes of trying to go back to sleep, I got impatient and decided to just get up. And that's when I discovered THIS:

Attractive, eh? MMHMM!

Kristin, sorry I sounded like a Pterodactyl. Of course you can borrow my boots.

Now, on to non-boot talk.

I was going to write this blog yesterday, but I felt like it was a little heavier than I was prepared to go at that time. I needed some time to really wrap my head around it.

I've been reading the book "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore for the last 6 months or so. (I'm a slow reader, OK?) When my Mom told me to read it, I rolled my eyes. (In my mind, of course. Don't EVER roll your eyes in front of your mother. You face almost certain peril.) I was thinking to myself "Thanks for implying that I'm insecure, Mom..."

I'm one of those people who just go around with a happy face all the time acting like nothing's wrong. (You'd never know that from this blog because this blog is my "release", I guess. But in real life, I just plaster on a smile and act like it's all good.)

I guess we all have areas where we're insecure, but I don't like to admit things like that. It just seems so.... messy.

ANYWAY, the book is incredible and everyone should read it. As I was reading on Monday, I came to chapter 5 which is entitled "Rooting it Out". You may have already guessed this, but it's about the different "roots" of insecurity. The roots she listed are as follows:

Instability in the home
A significant loss
Dramatic change
Personal limitations
Personal disposition
Our culture (chapter 6)
Pride (chapter 6)

I could kind of identify with some of the things she had to say about the instability and loss, but hooooo boy. When I saw the "R" word, I knew I was in trouble. I think I underlined everything she had to say in that portion of the chapter.

I was sitting there reading and I just had to put it down. I could go no further. I needed a break. It was just too painful, so I decided to get in the shower.

I don't know about y'all, but I have had some of my most life changing (and some "should've been life changing") conversations with God while I was in the shower. There's nothing to distract you in the shower. No phones, no computers, no TV. Sometimes there's music, but if you have those other things going on, you've got PROBLEMS. I left my music off that morning. I was too sad to even listen to music.

I was feeling pretty flippin low at that point. All the words, all the hurt, all the wounds had come flooding back with those two paragraphs I had read before deciding to lock myself in the shower.

I was just standing there, washing my hair and I was attempting to pray. You know how you have those days where you aren't even really praying. Sometimes you're just pleading "Please please please" over and over again about something. Sometimes you're just going "Lord, I don't even know." It was the latter.

"Why do I feel so worthless? Why do I feel so unloved? Why am I this way? Why do I have to be like that?"

And then I heard "You think that because he didn't love you, no one else ever will."

Yep. That's it. That's exactly my problem. Because the most important person in my life (at that point) rejected me, I gave myself a pass to feel like a piece of crap for the rest of my life.

I jumped out of the shower and wrote it down, it was that profound to me. I wrote "My eureka moment. January 31, 2011. He didn't love me, so no one else will. W.O.W."

(It was obviously a huge HUGE lie that I'd been feeding myself, and I know that friends and family were telling me the exact OPPOSITE of what I was telling myself, but sometimes you just have to figure it out on your own.)

Now, I was EXCITED to read the rest of the chapter. I will bore you with the four thoughts from that section that hit me the hardest.

"Given enough time rejection will set up a history to repeat itself over and over until the rejected person forms relationships based on the likelihood that she'll be rejected." Check.

"...the craziest, most uncharacteristic things I've ever done have occurred in the wake of a major rejection." Check.

"There's nothing like it to make you obsessed with someone you didn't even want." CHECK CHECK CHECK

"Rejection has a nasty way of making the healthy people we're hoping to attract hightail it like a scared rabbit in the opposite direction." Check? I don't know. I've never attracted a healthy person. POINT PROVEN! (Haha.)

Did this woman break into my mind and steal my life story while I was sleeping? Why didn't my Pterodactyl alarm go off? "BRAAAAAAACK"

I mean seriously. I've got some work to do. It broke my heart over and over again to read those words, but from the brokenness, I can see that healing is coming.

I was talking to God while I was in the shower (again) yesterday morning and I was like "God, I'm sick of all these stupid games. I don't want to be rejected again, it hurts. I want my life partner..."

"Do you want your LIFE partner? Or your RIGHT NOW partner?"

OUCH! I think He drew blood on that one. Touche, God. Touche.

So right now, I'm learning to get over rejection, and to get some patience.

I know I'm probably coming off as a super injured, super unapproachable person, but I'm really not. I've come a long way, even since December. I just need to start surrounding myself with better people. I need to make some better friends, and I need to hang out with some of the ones that I already have. The ones that support me instead of tearing me down.

I know I've said "I'm finally getting somewhere!" before, but I think it's real this time. (At least I HOPE so!)


  1. ooooh GURL! *high fives*
    we DO need to hang out.
    I gotta get to reading that there book too. I have it... I STARTED reading it... just never finished it.
    I miss you.

  2. DUDE! I just saw this comment! Yes, we DOOOOO need to hang out and yes, you need to keep reading that book.
    I miss yew tew!