Saturday, February 5, 2011

For Girls Only...

...Unless you're a guy who isn't easily disturbed. If you aren't, then by all means, continue to read.

Today is not going to have ANYTHING to do with happiness, deep spiritual meaning, Jesus loves me, etc.


If you don't like complaining, turn away.

Why am I going to complain? Because by golly, I deserve it today.

When I get to heaven, after I've said hello to my Heavenly Father, found my Granny Lewis and my Papa Hurl and given them both hugs, said "what up?" to some people I've never met before, and asked God where Sugar and Ebony are, I am making a beeline for Eve.

I might pull her hair. I might verbally assault her. I might punch her in the ovaries.


That's right, ladies. It's WWIII is going on. In my pants.

I didn't get a lick of sleep last night. I was just writhing in pain with the worst cramps I've had since I was 14. There was a lot of "God? Is this absolutely necessary? I'm not married. I'm not having a baby any time soon, can you just shut my baby making factory down until it's ready? PUHLEEEZZZEEE?????"

At 3:15 in the AM, my roommate texted me to tell me that she was over at our friend's house. M's water had broke, so she was going to stay the night with M & T's two year old son.

"My womb must be having sympathy pains." I texted back.

"Well, she's not having any contractions, so maybe you're having them for her. Either way, that's not helping either one of you." she replied.

Dear Uterine Lining,
Why must it hurt so bad for you to shed yourself? I mean, come on. Give a girl a break. Why are you semi-nice one month, and then like a ninja from hell the next? I just don't get it. BE YE KIND!
With much hatred,

Seriously. It IS that intense.

And with that, we have a post full of complaining about bodily functions AND a super villain of the week! My Uterus.

Please send kind thoughts and ibuprofen dreams.

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