I don't know why, maybe I'm just PMSing but I have felt VERY very tense the last few hours. It's driving me crazy. I feel like everything I say is being questioned or contradicted.
Have you ever felt like that?
It's so annoying!
Not to mention that I couldn't sleep last night. I'm sure that didn't help.
I think most of it is that I feel pulled between McPherson and Wichita. My home is here but at the same time, I feel like so much of me belongs in Wichita. UGH! This is not a new feeling to me. It's been going on for two years now. I keep praying about it, but I never feel any CLEAR direction on the matter. I'm sure I SHOULD be in Wichita because I could get a job with benefits, but I'm reluctant to leave Mac. It's been my home since I was 9. (And for those of you awful at math, that's 17 years.)
I don't want to leave my roommate in a lurch. I don't want to leave my boss in one either. (One of my co-workers is leaving this month already.)
AAAGHHH!!!!
(I'm sure the sense of urgency is purely hormonal and shall pass this week.)
Grr.
These feelings are particularly disappointing because church was SOOOO good this weekend. It made me feel so much better about things, and now I just feel torn down. :(
Mom colored and cut my hair yesterday. We did a color called "Red Violet". The "swatch" (I don't know what you call it) at the beauty supply looked VERY dark dark red violet. Somehow, on MY head it turned out very hot pink. I like it, but I'm definitely bracing myself for the "OMG! Your hair's PINK" comments I'm going to get from customers today.
Yes, yes. I know. "You should just expect that because you're the one coloring your hair crazy colors." I do it because I LIKE the colors. Not because I want comments! I don't just get comments, I get opinions. I didn't ask for your opinion on my hair color or how I dress. I don't tell you how to do your hair or dress. Just saying.
In fact, I'm not asking for unsolicited opinions on ANYTHING. Keep them to yourself.
Here is an illustrated account of a conversation I had with a customer this morning.
This is Kent. He is a nice guy. I've helped him many times, so we talk a lot when he comes in.
You might recognize this person. It's me.
This is how our conversation went:
And then we were interrupted. (I had to throw that last bit in so he wouldn't think I was a lesbian.) The whole conversation made me giggle. All the guys my Dad's age or older can't figure out why I'm still on the market. Meh. I guess I'm not ripe enough yet. :P
I was sitting at my new little laptop station, making a "motivational drawing" for Kristin when I heard it.
KA-THUNK KA-THUNK KA-THUNK.
Hmm...
I hastily removed the poodle that has been firmly affixed to my lap all day and ran into the laundry room.
KA-THUNK KA-THUNK KA-THUNK.
Nope, against all my hopes, it was NOT quieter INSIDE the laundry room.
The washing machine was ALIVE!!! It was walking towards me! It was going to attack! It was ANGRY!!!
I went into super ninja mode and ran TOWARDS the problem, not away.
I threw the washer open. There was the culprit. I KNEW there was a reason I never washed that blanket.
Seriously. I yanked that thing out of the washer, yelled at it, wrestled it violently and then placed it on the OTHER washer. I wasn't in the mood to deal. I let the comforter keep washing and then I went back to face my enemy.
Even in the washer BY ITSELF it was screaming.
KA-THUNK KA-THUNK KA-THUNK.
There are no words to describe my rage at that moment.
I JUMPED on top of the washer and sat on it. Let me tell you, the movies lie. It was NOT pleasurable in the least. (If you know what I mean.) It was like riding through a pasture on a 4 wheeler with my brother. I felt like my brain was going to exit my skull at any minute.
It was jarring.
Stupid blanket. It finally got done spinning and I threw it in the dryer. WITH ANGER AND GUSTO!!!
I wanted to stab that stupid blanket. I'm never washing it again, so I hope no one ever vomits on it. If they do, they're going home with a souvenir!
I was reading my book again this morning (the insecurity one) when I got to a chapter about men and their insecurities. The number one insecurity among men?
Fear of failure.
That makes me sad. As I read through the testimonials from men all over the country, I just wanted to give them all big hugs.
And that got me to thinking. Yep. I'm afraid of failure as well, but I've gotten pretty good at it.
I failed at being able to keep a husband for longer than a year and a half. I've failed at keeping a job for more than 3 years. I failed at going back to school. I've failed at being "dateable". I fail at keeping my house clean.
Who determines failure? Are we REALLY failures? Or do we just fail in comparison to others?
If we hold ourselves up to others, of COURSE we're going to feel like we've failed. Those things what God has for THEM, not necessarily what he has in store for US.
Sometimes... scratch that... a LOT of the time I find myself feeling like a failure just for living in this town. I'm 26, divorced, no children, no "serious" job, no boyfriend, no real direction in life. And Satan likes to grab a huge stick and poke at me and push me down for that.
Those things don't make me less of a person. I'm not a failure. My circumstances do not define me. As long as I'm following God and looking for His will in my life, that's all He really asks of me. That's all He cares about. He doesn't care how I measure up to others.
I was on Skype until approximately 1:40 am Got up at 7:35 Showered Got ready Let Cordy out and kenneled her up Put on my shoes Packed up my computer Dashed out to my car Accidentally called Fren CORRECTLY called Mom Drove out to Walmart Did my grocery shopping like a maniac Loaded the groceries into my car Drove BACK home Put the groceries in the fridge/freezer Dashed BACK to my car Drove to work Opened the office at 8:55
I ALL THAT and Ryan didn't even show up to work until 9:10. The boys I work with are less than prompt.
Call me crazy, but I just love mornings where I feel like I've accomplished something instead of just getting out of bed and getting to work. I didn't allow myself any pity parties this morning. I just don't know where those come from! Haha.
This weekend was a good one. I can't complain other than not seeing my family, not seeing Fren, and not getting my haircut.
Other than those THREE HUMONGOUS PROBLEMS, it was a good weekend. (Spontaneous trip to Salina with Kristin and Mom Joleen? Yes please!)
In fact, I was feeling pretty good about myself and things in general last night and into the early morning. Had some good dreams, my meds had kicked in and I was feeling GOOD! (I told Fren last night that I was "One martini short of a 'True Hollywood Story' overdose.)
Look at the colors. All the pretty colors.
I woke up this morning feeling less than thrilled about life. It's my first day back at work since last Tuesday, my hair is beyond it's crisis point, I'm bloated to all get out, and I feel fat.
Self portrait time!
Yes. I look THAT good. Be jealous.
(I'm not really wearing a Bill Cosby sweater, I just wanted to draw something ugly.)
Ok, so maybe I look a little better than THAT, but I'm a real Grumposaurus Rex today so I'm not giving myself any credit.
I KNOW I'm not fat, I KNOW I'm not ugly, but I feel gross.
Maybe when the snot goes away, all this self loathing will go away as well.
In the meantime, I'm going to stare in wonder at my old lady hair and bloated belly.
Oh, and continue to be high on sinus meds. It's sooooooo prettttyyyyy!!!!! All the colorrrrsss!!!!
Onset: Slight sudden cough. No biggie. Diagnosis: Possibly allergies. Prescription: Sleep it off.
Day One: Aches from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Overwhelming cough. Slight sniffle. Fever. Diagnosis: You might be in trouble. Prescription: More sleep, leftover cold meds from last time, Mucinex.
Day Two: Death is approaching. Diagnosis: Write your will NOW. Prescription: More sleep, hope you wake up.
Day Three: Congratulations. You've kept death at bay. You can feel your internal organs trying to rearrange themselves. Diagnosis: Um... what is going on? Prescription: More sleep, 2 Gene Kelly movies.
I'm trying really hard not to be bummed out of my skull right now.
This was me last night.
Let's just say I look worse this morning.
It started off with a little tickle in my throat while I was at work yesterday. A cough here, a cough there.
By the time I'd crawled into bed last night, I noticed that from my lower back on down to my ankles were REALLY aching and my cough was a little more intense.
By the time Fren called (around 1 AM), I had a full blown headache and I was coughing like a woman who'd been smoking her whole life. When I awoke this morning, it became increasingly apparent that a semi truck had somehow run me over while I was sleeping. Aches are worse, I can't stop coughing and I'm running a fever. GRR!!!
Being sick is annoying. Being sick and having to postpone seeing my bestest fren, AND taking my Mom out for her birthday tomorrow is heartbreaking.
I just keep reminding myself that I would feel really bad if I made anyone else sick.
So, today it's just me, Cordy, and a big jug of green tea with lemon and honey.
Mom and Dad W. took Kristin and I to Wichita yesterday for two of our favorite things. Food and shoppang!!! YUMMMMO!!! (The food, not the shopping...) It was delightful! Forever 21 gave me the faux fur coat I showed off last night, a cute dress, and a red coat. I don't shop like that very often, but sometimes you just gotta live a little, right?
I mean seriously! How CUTE is that dress? It makes me feel pretty darn cute, let me just say that. It's my "Valentine's dress" today. (Note Cordy "helping" me take a picture in Kristin's room.)
I met THIS little guy at Pier One.
This is Owlvin. (Kristin named him) Mom Joleen got him for me. He is my Valentine. (And he's a good cuddler... just sayin.) This is how we looked last night:
It was a lovely day. (And it got even better when we saw Mumford & Sons on the Grammys last night. <3)
It's nice to spend time with and talk to people who love you.
On this Valentine's Day, I am concentrating on ALL my Valentines! My Mom and Dad, my brother (even if he's being a butt), my extended Hurl, Lewis, and W. families, Kristin, Fren, Justin (1, not 2), Nickie, Olivia, Liz J, Cordy (can a dog be a Valentine?)... ALL MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!! (I know I'm forgetting to list SOMEONE!) I love you guys!
Today is going to be a GOOD day!
P.S. Thanks to Nickie and Fren for the Valentines texts!!! They made my morning!!!
... I TOTALLY wasn't going to post anything today, but I got to go to that Wichita place with Kristin and Mom & Dad W. More on the wonderful trip tomorrow, but I could NOT wait to show this!!! I'd been wanting one for the LONGEST time and there it was...in Forever 21... (Kudos to Kiki for seeing it!)
Ok. Rough night, blabbity blu, woke up from ANOTHER good dream. Pissed. (That should bring you up to speed.)
Subject of last night's dream? Johnny Rzeznik. Not current "too much work done" Johnny Rzeznik. PROPER, drool-worthy, old-school Johnny Rzeznik. I don't know how these guys are getting into my dreams, but A) Thank you, God! B) I'm starting to think I should stay in bed all the time. C) IF YOU WAKE ME UP, PREPARE TO FACE CERTAIN PERIL!!!
I think it's the "going to bed at 1-2 AM" kick I'm currently on.
ANYWAY, I was really bummed that I had to wake up and get out of bed so I turned on my Pandora Radio... not usually a mistake. Quick Mix is usually my friend seeing as I have a VERY random assortment of musical tastes, there's always SOMETHING I'll be in the mood to listen to.
The following is a list of the songs my internet radio attempted to play for me this morning (before being shut down!).
"Just Say Yes" Snow Patrol "Love is Waiting" Brooke Fraser "Marry Me" Train "Love Never Fails" Brandon Heath "At My Most Beautiful" REM "Starlight" Muse "Must've Done Something Right" Relient K "Crack the Shutters" Snow Patrol "Can't Stop Loving You" Phil Collins "Unfamiliar" The Birthday Massacre
I have words for you, Pandora. A) How DARE you attempt to use Phil Collins against me this morning! UNACCEPTABLE!!! B) Good job trying to redeem yourself with The Birthday Massacre. C) Why you trying to make me feel bad?
It's not working, evil Pandora.
That being said:
Happy Friggin Valentines Weekend. (And yes, I'm supposed to look ill in the picture.)
***The previous was a paid advertisement...except Katie did not get paid. It may or may not represent the views or opinions of the owners of this website or their affiliates...The oozing bitterness is for training purposes only.***
Let's start the day off with the three songs that have been cycling through my head since I awoke.
First up, "The Thief" by Brooke Fraser. This song was in my head FIRST THING THIS MORNING. I even slapped myself in the face to try to get it to stop. It's not a song I need in my head. Ever. Beautiful song, but it kills me every time.
(Sorry that one's a live version. It was the only one I could find without lyrics, and I thought the story was funny. Brooke, I love you. Why all your songs gotta make me cry?)
Second up, "Strawberry Fields Forever" by The Beatles...duh. ("Across the Universe" version today. Kristin, NO LAUGHING!!!) I especially like the "No one I think is in my tree, I mean it must be high or low" line. It pretty much describes how I've felt for a long time.
Third up, "Goodbye, Goodnight" by Jars of Clay. I don't know why this one is stuck up there... random. This CD was on CONSTANT replay back in the day.
Ok, now that I've played DJ for the morning, how is everyone? I hope you're having a pleasant week, and a pleasant "Leading up to Valentine's Day" time.
The number of family members concerned by my lack of Facebookage is growing by the day. My poor mother. She sees the wall postings, texts me and asks if I want her to reply for me. Sweet, sweet Mom of mine. I give you 5 gold stars.
I called this one "Fri-Polar" because I have had a very interesting day so far... and it's only 9:30! My feelings today have already run the gamut from "UGH!" to "incredibly hopeful".
I was up til 2 AM again, which I am not complaining about, but it makes me have REALLY WEIRD DREAMS!!! We're talking weirder than usual. I was running through a passenger train with Matt Damon and he was declaring his undying love for me the whole time we were trying to escape the bad guys.
Yeah.
Needless to say, I wanted to go back to bed. It was the first time I can remember being MAD to hear The Beatles! ("I'm Only Sleeping" is my alarm.)
Before that dream, I had another weird one that I can't remember. Cordy kept waking me up jumping off the bed last night, so I had at least 3 different dreams that I'm aware of. Kristin had to make cookies this morning, so I know that was part of her jumping around.
As I straggled out of bed this morning, Cordy was all super duper hyper dog. And then as I was doing my hair and she was running around like crazy. I was not in the mood. I wanted to be in bed with visions of Matt Damon and his undying love dancing in my head. (The funny thing, I'm not even a really big Matt Damon fan...) I put down my brush and look at the crazed ball of fur. "Do you need out or something?"
Up the stairs.
I know how to get all the snow in McPher to melt... have Cordy pee all over the town. It's incredible how much of it melts when that dog pops a squat. TMI? I could write such a book about that dog and her bathroom times.
ANYWAY, she decided she wanted to be even CRAZIER when she got back in the house. She ran round and round and round and round my living room, stopping by the bathroom for the occasional "RUFF!" while I continued getting ready. I sat down to put my boots on and she "threw" her stuffed dog, Herbert, and he smacked me square in the face. And she looked like this:
And I looked like this:
But how could you be mad at this:
So yeah. After crazy cracked-out Cordy settled down, I put her in her little doggie bed and started on my way to work.
Have I mentioned that driving in the snow is not one of my favorite activities? I actually found myself arguing with stop lights!!!
"Do you KNOW how hard it is to get restarted once I've stopped? Come on! I can't drive any slower! TURN ALREADY!!!!"
Stupid stop lights have NO sympathy!
The intersection at First and Main is the worst. It also happens to be the intersection where my place of business is located. I was YELLING along with "Across the Universe" as I was spinning my way through. "NOTHING'S GONNA CHANGE MY WORLD!!! EXCEPT NOT BEING ABLE TO TURN LEFT AND GET TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I may have added a few lyrics of my own there...
By the time I pulled into my parking spot, I was feeling pretty defeated. I'm still struggling with a lot of things that I shouldn't be. I just put my head on my steering wheel and prayed "Lord, please help me through this day. I need a better attitude."
I got into the building, sat at my desk, and opened the worlds biggest concordance: GOOGLE. "Bible verses about strength"
"Hmmm. Isaiah. This could be promising..."
"Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying, "God has lost track of me. He doesn't care what happens to me"? Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening? God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind." Isaiah 40:27-31 The Message
Yes please. That's exactly what I need to get through this Friday. I hope it encourages you as well!
It's only DAY THREE in the great Facebook fast of 2011?!?!?!?!
This is what I did last night when Justin 1 was over. BECAUSE I WAS NOT ON FACEBOOK!!!
BUT it's not all bad. :)
My cousin Christy was concerned about my lack of Facebookage and texted me last night. She was worried that I was dead, maimed, being tortured, or hospitalized due to my lack of updates. "It's how we keep up with you!"
Awwww. Knowing someone is concerned about you is like a big hug.
I ALMOST broke down and wrote something yesterday. Nothing about me, nothing on MY page, but on a video my friend Keith made and posted. It was THIS video:
I cried. At work. It is seriously one of the most incredible videos I've seen. (And I'm not just saying that because Keith made it.) It was exactly what I needed to hear yesterday. I was wrestling with some stuff. It was like a big hug.
And the hugs kept coming!
I got friggin STUCK in the snow trying to get out of the alley last night. Well, I was trying to get INTO the garage, gave up, and was going to park in front of the house. I called Kristin to come help me and she was down at Scott and Cathy's. She was bringing backup. (Fortunately, Scott and Cathy live a block away.) I was so frustrated. (Kristin said "I knew it was bad. You were very high pitched.") I ripped my purse off in frustration, only to realize it wasn't latched and EVERYTHING went flying. I had finally calmed down by the time help arrived and I got safely parked. Scott, Cathy, Kristin, and Nathan had given me a big hug.
Justin 1 came over last night. We ate Taco Bell (he bought my dinner!) and watched "My Strange Addiction" per our normal Wednesday night. (Minus Justin 2, who was being a PARTY POOPER!!!) We laughed and talked about life. And then laughed more... and recoiled in horror when we watched about the dude who was addicted to eating glass. Bleh. Before Justin left, he really DID give me a big hug.
I got to Skype with Fren last night/this morning. It was only the second time I'd used my Skype. (The first time I used it was with Kristin while she was on the couch, and I was on the loveseat. Because we're cool like that.) Skype is better than a phone call, but still no substitute for REAL face time. But what can you do when there's 60 miles and JOBS that prevent you from hanging out? YOU SKYPE! Hugs via Skype are difficult...
I <3 you, all my friends!!! (Family is included in that too.) Thank you for all the hugs!
I'm snowed in watching "Little House on the Prairie". It's like the good ol days from my childhood... Charles just told Caroline that doing dishes is not a mans job. AWWWW SNAP!
I successfully managed to not do ANYTHING on Facebook yesterday. Yay me! (It's the small triumphs in life, folks.) ESPECIALLY since work got shut down early.
I took this picture of me driving home in the snow yesterday. (I was at a stop light, not actually driving.)
Driving my car in the snow isn't the most fun thing ever, but Patrick is a tank. Or at least I drive him like one if I have to get out in it.
Oh well.
I was sitting on my couch last night, watching "Glee" with Kristin (the whole town was shut down!) and thinking about my life when an equation hit me. So I made a nerdy wallpaper with a nerdy equation on it:
Is there some kind of 12-step program for nerds? Nerds anonymous? Dood! Is there a dating service for nerds? This could be entertaining. TO THE INTERNETS!
Oh my.
"Nerd Passions 100% Free Nerd Dating"?? "Date Nerds- Free Online Dating Service & It's Just Coffee" "Geek 2 Geek" "Sweet on Geeks"
Oooh. Here's an article "Testing: Nerd-Dating Sites". Intriguing.
OH! Here's a "Nerd, Geek, or Dork" test at okcupid.com! What goodies await me here? Description: "Napoleon Dynamite is a dork. He is not a nerd, he is not a geek. The real question you have to ask yourself, however, is: what are you? Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Yes, friends, there is a difference, and this test will ultimately, finally and conclusively answer that question in the eyes of God and man."
I simply cannot turn away. Onward! (Aww, crap. Upon scrolling down, it says "Onwards!" before the "Next" button. *Facepalm*)
Nerd Test (Just in case someone else wants to take it too.)
My result: Tri-Lamb Material 61 % Nerd, 48% Geek, 57% Dork
Yay me! I don't even belong to one NERD group!
*Le Sigh*
I'm going to do another Q & A tomorrow, so send me some ridiculous questions!
