I woke up in a so-so mood, but by the time I was singing "Oh, Darling" and "Something" in the shower, my mood had greatly improved. The Beatles wrote some excellent shower singing material, just in case you were wondering. (I know you were.)
I stayed up til 1:30 last night crocheting baby hats for an old boss of mine. I am a creative person, but I also have A.D.D. so this has been greatly detrimental to my creative career. Through the years, I've cross-stitched, crocheted, knitted, beaded, painted, decoupaged, sequinned, sewn, glued (you get the idea) countless projects. I remember sitting for hours in the living room floor with a bag of scrap material my Mom had and making clothes for my Barbies. I crocheted and knitted countless blankets and outfits for my baby dolls. If I didn't have something, I made it. To this day if I see something at the mall that I want but I can make it, I go home and just make it myself.
I would love to someday have a shop on etsy and sell my crazy creations but I'm undecided. I don't want to get burned out on it. If it's a job, then it's not fun anymore... but at the same time, I WANT to do it! My brain is bursting with ideas!!!
So yet again, I have something to ponder and blow out of porportion. (My imagination has a great way of taking me from starting out to booming business to bankrupcy in .5 seconds.)
I really am trying to just sloooowwww down and enjoy every day as it presents itself. I think that's the number one thing that God is trying to drill into my head right now. Why am I in such a hurry? I have no clear directive, so I'm running in circles at a manic pace!
Bleh!
(Am I making you tired yet?)
I've just been full of insane energy today! (Which is cool...) I've been dancing around and singing all day. I like letting my silly side out. I don't do that often, but it makes me happy when I do.
Here's a link to one of the songs I've been dancing around to today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhCh-ZMgkWE
Yeah. Dare you to not tap your toes to that one...
If happy people annoy you, you might want to avoid me today.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Excited and Terrified
First off, let me say something. In my blog about Christmas, I edited out a paragraph that went something like this:
"I always find myself comparing Christmases to 2004. I don't know why, but that has just always been the 'epic' Christmas that I always compare to. It was my first Christmas with a boyfriend, and I had new friends from church. I always get sad this time of year because nothing will ever live up to that. I'm obviously not with the boy anymore and out of all those friends, only 2 still talk to me..."
That being said, let me just tell you that unlike the rest of 2010, this Christmas
"I always find myself comparing Christmases to 2004. I don't know why, but that has just always been the 'epic' Christmas that I always compare to. It was my first Christmas with a boyfriend, and I had new friends from church. I always get sad this time of year because nothing will ever live up to that. I'm obviously not with the boy anymore and out of all those friends, only 2 still talk to me..."
That being said, let me just tell you that unlike the rest of 2010, this Christmas
BLEW EVERY OTHER CHRISTMAS (so far) OUT OF THE WATER!!!
Yes. It was THAT epic. I was up till at LEAST 4:30am every night of my break. Two of those nights involved manic games of "Trouble" with my brother and Nate (Brant even got in on the action Christmas night). There were Ihop trips, drives (complete with emergency stops at random gas stations in Goddard and me having to pee so bad that I use the mens bathroom), eating out, ice skating, shopping, my parents actually eating an unscheduled meal at Ihop with Willie and I on Christmas Eve, looking at Christmas lights, watching "It's a Wonderful Life", listening to lots of music, being at Dillons Marketplace in front of the fire talking until employees came over and started to creep us out (around 2am), breakfast with everyone yesterday morning (Brant and Nate crashed in the basement the night before), being at Grandma's for Christmas Day... Of course I'm jumping around and of course I'm either forgetting or leaving some things out, but what I want to say is that I'm incredibly thankful for everyone I spent my break with. (BFF's AND family.) It was nice to get out of town and live for once. I think I'm finally starting to come out of my shell and live a bit and I think I like it! (I KNOW I do.)
With all that of that fun stuff happening in a matter of 72 hrs, you can imagine that the trip home was kind of a downer, but still hopeful. It was one of those "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." things. (Thank you, Dr. Seuss.) It was just that I wanted it to KEEP GOING!!! I tend to be kind of pessimistic about friendships at times. Kind of like "Oh! This was so much fun! It's never gonna happen again..."
*Cue Debbie Downer Wa-wa's*
It IS going to happen again.
I've got to stop basing things on past experience and tear down some of those walls! Good grief! I have got to stop thinking that people won't like me if I show my true self. I have to quit being paranoid about that. There are plenty of people who do like me and I need to concentrate on them instead of trying to prove something to those who don't!
I was driving and listening to the new CD I got for Christmas ("Albertine" by Brooke Fraser. Go get it NOW!) and I was just thinking about everything God brought me through this year. I have hated this year...a lot. (and '08, and '09... haha) I don't know what it is, but I just feel like 2011 is going to be a very good year for me.
I was just outside of Newton and I heard the words
"For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know You
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming"
When it got to the "Hope is coming for me, hope is coming for me" part, I just started bawling!
I have zero clue what's coming up for me in my life, but I am ready for a change. I'm sick of doing what's comfortable. I want what God has for my life. Not what I want, but what HE truly wants. I feel like it's gonna be big and the prospect of that is terrifying. In the past, I've always told God "Do what you want with my life, but keep me or put me here, at this time, and do this, and make sure it includes a husband and babies."
I am SOOOOOOO over that!!!
I'm in "Show me what You want. Do what You will" mode. I don't even care about the husband and babies at this point! (*cue the faints*) I know it's gonna hurt to be stretched, but I'd rather risk that than wait for rigor mortis to set in.
All of that to say that my goal for the new year (and the rest of December) is to lighten up, stop being so dang negative, find out what my passion in life is, and stop being paralyzed by fear.
I can't wait!!!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
On Christmas
When you're a kid, you just can't get enough of Christmas. The toys! The TV specials! The traditions! SANTAAA!!!
The Sunday edition of the Wichita Eagle comes out and you make a beeline for the comics and the Toys-R-Us insert.
"Oh my goodness. What COULDN'T I do with a Barbie dream house? The possibilities are ENDLESS! I could spend hours with it and have my friends over and achieve happiness of the highest levels..."
When I was REALLY little, I remember being incredibly concerned. We lived in a mobile home until I was 7 years old, and on TV, Santa always came down the chimney! Clearly, we had no chimney. How was I supposed to get my presents? Every year I would express my concerns to my parents.
"How is Santa going to get my presents to me?!?!?"
"Did you get your presents last year?"
"Yes."
"Santa will get them here this year too."
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! WE DON'T HAVE A CHIMNEY!!!" (I was 3 years old, mind you.)
"We'll leave Santa a key, and he'll get in. Trust us."
OK. Phew. Crisis solved.
That year, when I came out of my bedroom there was a play table and chairs, a set of dishes, and a doll with a highchair that clipped to the table and it was all set up. (The doll was Julie, the "Buck toothed doll" as Papa liked to call her. Thanks, Papa.) I think my parents still have a picture of my face. I was highly impressed that year. Santa was goooood. No chimney and he STILL managed to get my toys to me. And he even knew what I wanted. How DID he do it?
The next year, we were in Texas with my Mom's family for Christmas. I was watching the "Santa Report" on TV on Christmas Eve and according to the radar, he was gonna be there pretty soon. Mom was giving Willie a bath and she was simply NOT doing it fast enough.
"MOOOOOMMMM!!! HE'S ALMOST HERE!!!!!!"
"Katie, he won't get here until you're asleep."
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! THE RADAR SAYS HE'S GONNA BE HERE SOON! IF I'M NOT ASLEEP, I WON'T GET ANY PRESENTS!!!!!"
"Katie. I can't hurry up with your brother's bath if you keep bothering me. Relax. Santa will come."
I huffed off and kept my pacing to the living room and bedroom until she was done.
Santa did come that year. But in my mind it was a close call.
There are countless other memories from my childhood Christmases. The year I wanted a Barbie power wheels convertible but I never got it because Santa "Couldn't get it into the house", the year our youth pastor told us there wasn't a Santa Claus, but I had to keep up the charade for Willie, when I was 13 and I got my first stereo (The first one that was all new and all MINE!)... The list goes on and on.
Then you "grow up" (allegedly) and it's still special, but not like it used to be.
I look at Christmas and I get sad because of what I don't have. It's not at all what I thought "grown up Christmases" were like. Now instead of happiness, I just feel stressed around the holidays. I still go to bed at 9 o'clock on Christmas Eve (at Mom and Dad's) so Santa will come. I wake up next to Cordy, I go to the living room and open gifts with the family. We get ready and head over to Grandma's to eat and hang out with the family. We go home, eat leftovers, watch a movie and go to bed.
What on earth do I have to be sad about? There are people all over the place who would kill to have what I do on Christmas! I have a warm place to sleep on Christmas Eve, I have a wonderful loving family to spend the day with, and I have food to eat!
I have completely taken Christmas out of context. It isn't about ANY of the above! It's not about food, family, and gifts! It's not about Santa or Christmas carols. (Even though all those things are very nice.) You would think I would know this since I was raised in church and all.
I was raised to know that God sent His Son to earth to be born of a virgin and He was born in a stable and He slept in a manger. It all sounds so textbook, but it couldn't be anything farther from normal!
I've read the story over and over. But this year, the magnitude of that situation finally struck me. Can you imagine being a young virgin engaged to a carpenter and being visited by an angel who tells you that not only are you going to get pregnant, but you're going to deliver the Son of God? What is Joseph going to think? What about her parents? Everyone in town?
They must've thought she was mental.
Even after you get past all that, you still have the logistics of the situation. You have to get on a donkey and travel a great distance, only to be told there is no room for you other than a stable. You're going to deliver your precious baby by yourself and lay him where the animals eat their dinner.
We read this story like it's a cute little fairytale, all clean and tidy and nice, but it wasn't.
It was messy.
It was impossible.
It was more than likely very smelly and disgusting.
But God had it all under control. He kept them from harm.
Was it uncomfortable?
More than likely.
Was it difficult?
I'm sure.
But God kept them safe.
Things can look bleak, and crazy and there's a great possibility for discomfort. (In fact, that's highly likely.) But it's all part of a bigger plan.
"And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men." Luke 2:10-14 (KJV)
That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.
The Sunday edition of the Wichita Eagle comes out and you make a beeline for the comics and the Toys-R-Us insert.
"Oh my goodness. What COULDN'T I do with a Barbie dream house? The possibilities are ENDLESS! I could spend hours with it and have my friends over and achieve happiness of the highest levels..."
When I was REALLY little, I remember being incredibly concerned. We lived in a mobile home until I was 7 years old, and on TV, Santa always came down the chimney! Clearly, we had no chimney. How was I supposed to get my presents? Every year I would express my concerns to my parents.
"How is Santa going to get my presents to me?!?!?"
"Did you get your presents last year?"
"Yes."
"Santa will get them here this year too."
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! WE DON'T HAVE A CHIMNEY!!!" (I was 3 years old, mind you.)
"We'll leave Santa a key, and he'll get in. Trust us."
OK. Phew. Crisis solved.
That year, when I came out of my bedroom there was a play table and chairs, a set of dishes, and a doll with a highchair that clipped to the table and it was all set up. (The doll was Julie, the "Buck toothed doll" as Papa liked to call her. Thanks, Papa.) I think my parents still have a picture of my face. I was highly impressed that year. Santa was goooood. No chimney and he STILL managed to get my toys to me. And he even knew what I wanted. How DID he do it?
The next year, we were in Texas with my Mom's family for Christmas. I was watching the "Santa Report" on TV on Christmas Eve and according to the radar, he was gonna be there pretty soon. Mom was giving Willie a bath and she was simply NOT doing it fast enough.
"MOOOOOMMMM!!! HE'S ALMOST HERE!!!!!!"
"Katie, he won't get here until you're asleep."
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! THE RADAR SAYS HE'S GONNA BE HERE SOON! IF I'M NOT ASLEEP, I WON'T GET ANY PRESENTS!!!!!"
"Katie. I can't hurry up with your brother's bath if you keep bothering me. Relax. Santa will come."
I huffed off and kept my pacing to the living room and bedroom until she was done.
Santa did come that year. But in my mind it was a close call.
There are countless other memories from my childhood Christmases. The year I wanted a Barbie power wheels convertible but I never got it because Santa "Couldn't get it into the house", the year our youth pastor told us there wasn't a Santa Claus, but I had to keep up the charade for Willie, when I was 13 and I got my first stereo (The first one that was all new and all MINE!)... The list goes on and on.
Then you "grow up" (allegedly) and it's still special, but not like it used to be.
I look at Christmas and I get sad because of what I don't have. It's not at all what I thought "grown up Christmases" were like. Now instead of happiness, I just feel stressed around the holidays. I still go to bed at 9 o'clock on Christmas Eve (at Mom and Dad's) so Santa will come. I wake up next to Cordy, I go to the living room and open gifts with the family. We get ready and head over to Grandma's to eat and hang out with the family. We go home, eat leftovers, watch a movie and go to bed.
What on earth do I have to be sad about? There are people all over the place who would kill to have what I do on Christmas! I have a warm place to sleep on Christmas Eve, I have a wonderful loving family to spend the day with, and I have food to eat!
I have completely taken Christmas out of context. It isn't about ANY of the above! It's not about food, family, and gifts! It's not about Santa or Christmas carols. (Even though all those things are very nice.) You would think I would know this since I was raised in church and all.
I was raised to know that God sent His Son to earth to be born of a virgin and He was born in a stable and He slept in a manger. It all sounds so textbook, but it couldn't be anything farther from normal!
I've read the story over and over. But this year, the magnitude of that situation finally struck me. Can you imagine being a young virgin engaged to a carpenter and being visited by an angel who tells you that not only are you going to get pregnant, but you're going to deliver the Son of God? What is Joseph going to think? What about her parents? Everyone in town?
They must've thought she was mental.
Even after you get past all that, you still have the logistics of the situation. You have to get on a donkey and travel a great distance, only to be told there is no room for you other than a stable. You're going to deliver your precious baby by yourself and lay him where the animals eat their dinner.
We read this story like it's a cute little fairytale, all clean and tidy and nice, but it wasn't.
It was messy.
It was impossible.
It was more than likely very smelly and disgusting.
But God had it all under control. He kept them from harm.
Was it uncomfortable?
More than likely.
Was it difficult?
I'm sure.
But God kept them safe.
Things can look bleak, and crazy and there's a great possibility for discomfort. (In fact, that's highly likely.) But it's all part of a bigger plan.
"And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men." Luke 2:10-14 (KJV)
That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Sleep Deprivation and Friendship
"It's a beautiful day! The birds are swaying, the trees are singing..."
Dylan Moran, I luff yew.
I think I'm extra loopy due to lack of sleep. But I'll take loopy over depressio any day.
Well, I was semi loopy yesterday. (Aka, just being me...how I used to be...all the time.) But today will probably be the loopiest.
I went to see "Tron: Legacy" last night. In 3D. At the new Imax in Wichita. With Willie. And Nate. And Bryce. And Josh. (I did the same thing with "Avatar" last year, except it was with Willie. And Matthew. And Josh M. And Soma. My life has made zero progression in a year...)
It was a lovely movie. Visually stunning. Lots of action. I'm not gonna lie though, Michael Sheen creeped me the hail out. I was all "Oh! I hear Michael Sh... OH MY GAWSH!!! NOT OKAY!!!"
Dear Michael Sheen,
In the future, please play nice characters that won't freak me out in Imax. Thank you in advance.
Much Love,
Me
We went to the 10 o'clock showing, so I didn't get back home until 2:30. I'm a tad on the tired side, but it was worth it. I love going to Wichita and hanging out. Some days I wish I lived down there.... but sometimes I'm glad there's a 60 mile buffer.
OK. Now, onto something substantial instead of me blabbing about friends and movies.
Lyle just brought me a chocolate long john! Awww!
OK, now onto something substantial.
This morning, I was still wrestling with leftover hurts and I was reminded of this scripture:
"God is not a man, one given to lies,
and not a son of man changing his mind.
Does he speak and not do what he says?
Does he promise and not come through?" Numbers 23:19 (The Message)
Maybe I'm the only person who does this, but I seem to lump God in with any person of authority, or any guy that has ever hurt me. I tend to think He's going to do what they've done to me.
He's gonna say one thing, and then do another.
He's gonna use me and then throw me away.
He's gonna get what He wants, keep me around and humor me for a bit, then say "See ya!"
He's gonna say things and make fun of me like He's embarrassed of me.
Why do I think this? There are absolutely no scriptures to substantiate these claims.
Maybe it's because the Bible presents God as a friend. (Proverbs 18:24 b) We've all had friends who've screwed us over, so we put Him in that boat.
But He's not like that.
He's our friend, but He's also our Creator. The One who gave us life. Our Savior. Our King.
Where's the line between "Hey, God, ol' buddy ol' pal!" and falling flat on your face in awe of Him?
I tend to err on the side of "Hey! Jesus! Let's go to do this together!!!" and I don't put enough importance on loving Him as He wants to be loved, and giving Him the praise He deserves. He is a jealous God.
I don't know about anyone else, but I hate being jealous. But I am. I can fly into a rage over someone mentioning someone else in a text message. (OK, maybe not a rage. But I can feel pretty crappy about myself.) It's dumb. I know. But if I react like that, I can only imagine how God feels with us. We are the worst of friends and children.
We say we're gonna do one thing, and do another.
We use Him and then throw Him away.
We get what we want out of Him, keep Him around, humor Him a bit, then say "See ya!"
We say things and make fun of Him like we're embarrassed of Him.
We expect all good things from Him, but we give Him nothing good in return.
I think I've got some work to do.
Dylan Moran, I luff yew.
I think I'm extra loopy due to lack of sleep. But I'll take loopy over depressio any day.
Well, I was semi loopy yesterday. (Aka, just being me...how I used to be...all the time.) But today will probably be the loopiest.
I went to see "Tron: Legacy" last night. In 3D. At the new Imax in Wichita. With Willie. And Nate. And Bryce. And Josh. (I did the same thing with "Avatar" last year, except it was with Willie. And Matthew. And Josh M. And Soma. My life has made zero progression in a year...)
It was a lovely movie. Visually stunning. Lots of action. I'm not gonna lie though, Michael Sheen creeped me the hail out. I was all "Oh! I hear Michael Sh... OH MY GAWSH!!! NOT OKAY!!!"
Dear Michael Sheen,
In the future, please play nice characters that won't freak me out in Imax. Thank you in advance.
Much Love,
Me
We went to the 10 o'clock showing, so I didn't get back home until 2:30. I'm a tad on the tired side, but it was worth it. I love going to Wichita and hanging out. Some days I wish I lived down there.... but sometimes I'm glad there's a 60 mile buffer.
OK. Now, onto something substantial instead of me blabbing about friends and movies.
Lyle just brought me a chocolate long john! Awww!
OK, now onto something substantial.
This morning, I was still wrestling with leftover hurts and I was reminded of this scripture:
"God is not a man, one given to lies,
and not a son of man changing his mind.
Does he speak and not do what he says?
Does he promise and not come through?" Numbers 23:19 (The Message)
Maybe I'm the only person who does this, but I seem to lump God in with any person of authority, or any guy that has ever hurt me. I tend to think He's going to do what they've done to me.
He's gonna say one thing, and then do another.
He's gonna use me and then throw me away.
He's gonna get what He wants, keep me around and humor me for a bit, then say "See ya!"
He's gonna say things and make fun of me like He's embarrassed of me.
Why do I think this? There are absolutely no scriptures to substantiate these claims.
Maybe it's because the Bible presents God as a friend. (Proverbs 18:24 b) We've all had friends who've screwed us over, so we put Him in that boat.
But He's not like that.
He's our friend, but He's also our Creator. The One who gave us life. Our Savior. Our King.
Where's the line between "Hey, God, ol' buddy ol' pal!" and falling flat on your face in awe of Him?
I tend to err on the side of "Hey! Jesus! Let's go to do this together!!!" and I don't put enough importance on loving Him as He wants to be loved, and giving Him the praise He deserves. He is a jealous God.
I don't know about anyone else, but I hate being jealous. But I am. I can fly into a rage over someone mentioning someone else in a text message. (OK, maybe not a rage. But I can feel pretty crappy about myself.) It's dumb. I know. But if I react like that, I can only imagine how God feels with us. We are the worst of friends and children.
We say we're gonna do one thing, and do another.
We use Him and then throw Him away.
We get what we want out of Him, keep Him around, humor Him a bit, then say "See ya!"
We say things and make fun of Him like we're embarrassed of Him.
We expect all good things from Him, but we give Him nothing good in return.
I think I've got some work to do.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Eureka
(WARNING: This is probably going to be more of the same old same old. It's gonna be all over the place...again. But that's how my brain operates. My bad.)
I seriously gotta stop having weekends. They make me think too much and they make me feel like a psycho person!!! (This is different how???)
I spent all day Saturday close to a weepy mess. All. Day. I was slightly happy, then I'd get down again. Slightly happy, then wanting to beat someone. All. Day.
Once again, the cause? Relationships. Or lack of relationships. Or a complete lack of decision on the subject.
I found myself being sucked into one of those "You're my friend, but I might like you as more than a friend, and you might like me as more than a friend, but upon closer inspection you don't like me as more than a friend, so that makes me not like you like that and you're talking about other girls and you're making me mad because I don't want you to want them, I want you to want me, but I don't really want you to want me, I just don't want you to want anyone else" relationships.
Yeah. One of those. (Don't roll your eyes at me, you know exactly what I'm talking about!)
The thing is, why can't you make your feelings match what you know? For example: "I know I don't want to be with you, I know we would kill each other, but I feel like I wanna try."
No. I really don't. It would be a bloodbath.
"You don't love me. You love the idea of me."
Eureka.
I love the idea of someone to cuddle with. I love the idea of not having to sleep alone. I love the idea of having someone to go places with. I love the idea of having someone who wants to kiss me.
But that's where it stops.
I want the hard candy shell, but I'm not ready for the soft center.
I want the outward appearances and actions, but I'm not ready for the core. I'm not ready for someone to know me like that again. (Even though I'm pretty sure the ex didn't have a clue about me.)
"You try too hard."
He's right, and I hate him for it.
I'm sick of trying so hard to make people like me or want me. I want someone who just likes me or wants me for who I am. (The good stuff, and the messy stuff at the same time.)
There is Someone who does love me, more than anyone on earth ever will. But for some reason, I can't even convince myself that He loves me.
I'm terrible to Him.
He still loves me.
I keep looking for someone else.
He still loves me.
I keep trying to fill myself with almost anything but Him.
He still loves me.
He's the last person on my mind.
He still loves me.
I keep trying to live up to His standards and follow His rules so He will love me, but not only is it futile, it is unnecessary.
He always loves me.
He saves me. He redeems me. He takes care of me. He takes away every bad thing I've done...
But I have to let go of it first.
He is my Savior, He's right here, and I just look around Him.
I still keep trying to do this on my own. I think I can save myself.
Answer me this: Why is the thought of doing it myself easier to deal with than the thought of handing it over to Him?
I read this verse this morning:
"So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!" Romans 8:12-14 (The Message)
I love how I think that I'm the only person who has ever had or will ever have this problem. Paul only wrote that 1,955(ish) years ago.
I also read this gem last night:
"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life." 1 Corinthians 7:17a (The Message)
Where I am right now is God's place for me. That is both comforting and terrifying, humbling and hard to swallow all at the same time.
I just have to give up and let Him in.
(Btw, I know this sounds all depressing, but I really couldn't be in a better mood today!!!)
I seriously gotta stop having weekends. They make me think too much and they make me feel like a psycho person!!! (This is different how???)
I spent all day Saturday close to a weepy mess. All. Day. I was slightly happy, then I'd get down again. Slightly happy, then wanting to beat someone. All. Day.
Once again, the cause? Relationships. Or lack of relationships. Or a complete lack of decision on the subject.
I found myself being sucked into one of those "You're my friend, but I might like you as more than a friend, and you might like me as more than a friend, but upon closer inspection you don't like me as more than a friend, so that makes me not like you like that and you're talking about other girls and you're making me mad because I don't want you to want them, I want you to want me, but I don't really want you to want me, I just don't want you to want anyone else" relationships.
Yeah. One of those. (Don't roll your eyes at me, you know exactly what I'm talking about!)
The thing is, why can't you make your feelings match what you know? For example: "I know I don't want to be with you, I know we would kill each other, but I feel like I wanna try."
No. I really don't. It would be a bloodbath.
"You don't love me. You love the idea of me."
Eureka.
I love the idea of someone to cuddle with. I love the idea of not having to sleep alone. I love the idea of having someone to go places with. I love the idea of having someone who wants to kiss me.
But that's where it stops.
I want the hard candy shell, but I'm not ready for the soft center.
I want the outward appearances and actions, but I'm not ready for the core. I'm not ready for someone to know me like that again. (Even though I'm pretty sure the ex didn't have a clue about me.)
"You try too hard."
He's right, and I hate him for it.
I'm sick of trying so hard to make people like me or want me. I want someone who just likes me or wants me for who I am. (The good stuff, and the messy stuff at the same time.)
There is Someone who does love me, more than anyone on earth ever will. But for some reason, I can't even convince myself that He loves me.
I'm terrible to Him.
He still loves me.
I keep looking for someone else.
He still loves me.
I keep trying to fill myself with almost anything but Him.
He still loves me.
He's the last person on my mind.
He still loves me.
I keep trying to live up to His standards and follow His rules so He will love me, but not only is it futile, it is unnecessary.
He always loves me.
He saves me. He redeems me. He takes care of me. He takes away every bad thing I've done...
But I have to let go of it first.
He is my Savior, He's right here, and I just look around Him.
I still keep trying to do this on my own. I think I can save myself.
Answer me this: Why is the thought of doing it myself easier to deal with than the thought of handing it over to Him?
I read this verse this morning:
"So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!" Romans 8:12-14 (The Message)
I love how I think that I'm the only person who has ever had or will ever have this problem. Paul only wrote that 1,955(ish) years ago.
I also read this gem last night:
"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life." 1 Corinthians 7:17a (The Message)
Where I am right now is God's place for me. That is both comforting and terrifying, humbling and hard to swallow all at the same time.
I just have to give up and let Him in.
(Btw, I know this sounds all depressing, but I really couldn't be in a better mood today!!!)
Friday, December 17, 2010
Found
I came across this quote yesterday... after I had ranted.
"It's just that for so many people I know, Christianity's this matter of...it has everything to do with morals. Christianity is a religion about morals. And they will even talk about Jesus. And they will say kids need to know about Jesus so they won't smoke, drink, or dance, or go with girls who do, and all that kind of thing. And I kinda go, 'That's not why people need to know about Jesus. The only reason-- the only possible excuse for talking about Jesus is because we need a Savior."
Thank you, once again, Rich Mullins. I have a feeling we would've been good friends. I spent a whole blog entry blabbing on and on about something that you summed up in a couple of sentences.
As crummily (Word? Yes.) as yesterday started, it got much better.
The floodgates opened, and I felt lots of love from lots of people. My cousin sent me a poem that he'd read on a friend's facebook and it just floored me. It expressed everything I felt and more. (I'll have to send him a message and ask permission to share it here. It is truly incredible.)
Then, something even cooler happened.
The whole thing that set me off in the first place yesterday morning was a health issue. I haven't had health insurance for a year and basically I don't go to the doctor unless I'm dying. I had something come up the first part of November and I basically just prayed that it would go away and tried OTC stuff to treat it. It's gotten worse, and I don't have the money to go to the doctor. I was just miserable physically and emotionally. "Where's my miracle, God? I hear all these miraculous healing stories. Where's mine?" (Selfish, I know. I'm not proud of it.) I called the doctor's office and instead of asking for an appointment, I heard this come out of my mouth: "I think I have _____. Can he call me something in for that?". "You dummy. Why did you ask that?" I thought to myself. "Oh well. It's worth a shot." They said they'd call me back.
I called my Mom and asked "Um, I just called the doctor's office and asked them to call me in something. Can you pray that they'll do that so I won't have to go for a visit?"
"Honey, they don't usually do that. You're gonna have to go see them. I hate that you don't have insurance. You need a job that gives you health insura..."
"I know, Mom. But could you pray? Please?"
"Yes. I'll pray for you."
She texted me around 11:30 to see if I'd heard anything and I said no. In addition to my discouragement, I was starting to feel uncomfortable.
I finally got a call around 1:30. I took a deep breath. "Katie? This is Amy with Dr. _____ Office. We called you something in to Dillon's pharmacy..."
I didn't hear anything after that. I was speechless. I'm assuming I thanked her before I hung up. I then called the pharmacy to see if it was ready and to see how much the prescription was. It was ready and.... wait for it.....it was $4.00.
It was all I could do to hold back my tears until I made it to my car.
Yesterday was a giant bear hug. A hug that this selfish little girl really didn't deserve.
"The LORD is compassionate and merciful,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
He will not constantly accuse us,
nor remain angry forever.
He does not punish us for all our sins;
he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
For his unfailing love towards those who love him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
He has removed our sins as far from us
as the east is from the west.
The LORD is like a father to his children,
tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
For he knows how weak we are;
he remembers we are only dust." Psalm 103:8-14 (NLT)
P.S. Please pray for a friend of mine.
"It's just that for so many people I know, Christianity's this matter of...it has everything to do with morals. Christianity is a religion about morals. And they will even talk about Jesus. And they will say kids need to know about Jesus so they won't smoke, drink, or dance, or go with girls who do, and all that kind of thing. And I kinda go, 'That's not why people need to know about Jesus. The only reason-- the only possible excuse for talking about Jesus is because we need a Savior."
Thank you, once again, Rich Mullins. I have a feeling we would've been good friends. I spent a whole blog entry blabbing on and on about something that you summed up in a couple of sentences.
As crummily (Word? Yes.) as yesterday started, it got much better.
The floodgates opened, and I felt lots of love from lots of people. My cousin sent me a poem that he'd read on a friend's facebook and it just floored me. It expressed everything I felt and more. (I'll have to send him a message and ask permission to share it here. It is truly incredible.)
Then, something even cooler happened.
The whole thing that set me off in the first place yesterday morning was a health issue. I haven't had health insurance for a year and basically I don't go to the doctor unless I'm dying. I had something come up the first part of November and I basically just prayed that it would go away and tried OTC stuff to treat it. It's gotten worse, and I don't have the money to go to the doctor. I was just miserable physically and emotionally. "Where's my miracle, God? I hear all these miraculous healing stories. Where's mine?" (Selfish, I know. I'm not proud of it.) I called the doctor's office and instead of asking for an appointment, I heard this come out of my mouth: "I think I have _____. Can he call me something in for that?". "You dummy. Why did you ask that?" I thought to myself. "Oh well. It's worth a shot." They said they'd call me back.
I called my Mom and asked "Um, I just called the doctor's office and asked them to call me in something. Can you pray that they'll do that so I won't have to go for a visit?"
"Honey, they don't usually do that. You're gonna have to go see them. I hate that you don't have insurance. You need a job that gives you health insura..."
"I know, Mom. But could you pray? Please?"
"Yes. I'll pray for you."
She texted me around 11:30 to see if I'd heard anything and I said no. In addition to my discouragement, I was starting to feel uncomfortable.
I finally got a call around 1:30. I took a deep breath. "Katie? This is Amy with Dr. _____ Office. We called you something in to Dillon's pharmacy..."
I didn't hear anything after that. I was speechless. I'm assuming I thanked her before I hung up. I then called the pharmacy to see if it was ready and to see how much the prescription was. It was ready and.... wait for it.....it was $4.00.
It was all I could do to hold back my tears until I made it to my car.
Yesterday was a giant bear hug. A hug that this selfish little girl really didn't deserve.
"The LORD is compassionate and merciful,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
He will not constantly accuse us,
nor remain angry forever.
He does not punish us for all our sins;
he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
For his unfailing love towards those who love him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
He has removed our sins as far from us
as the east is from the west.
The LORD is like a father to his children,
tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
For he knows how weak we are;
he remembers we are only dust." Psalm 103:8-14 (NLT)
P.S. Please pray for a friend of mine.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Hard To Get
I don't even reeeally know what to write today. I have no answers to anything I'm going through right now.
My Mom told me to put God first this morning. That's what I've been TRYING to do!
"You make it sound so easy!" I said. "You make it sound like if you put God first, you'll be skipping through a meadow for the rest of your life! That's not the case!"
I've tried and tried. I did a good job for awhile. I had tried waiting on God and He wasn't doing things fast enough, so I when I was younger, I took matters into my own hands.
Bad move. (And I'll be the first to admit that one.)
What I take issue with is people acting like giving things to God is as easy as apple pie.
"I hate my life."
"Give it to God!"
"Um...ok... but I still hate my life..."
They pretend that there's not any emotion. Did you forget what it is like to be lower than low? Can you just identify with me where I'm at right now? Yeah, I'm not a good kid, but I'm not the worst either. (I'm not saying this about my Mom, because she helped me a lot this morning, I'm saying this about a lot of Christian adults in general.)
Did they forget what it was like to feel this way? To be sad, young(ish), single, horny, and wanting to belong somewhere or with someone? (And don't give me the whole "You belong with God! He loves you!" argument. I know that. I'm talking physical person. I'm getting the frustration out!)
They act like there's just some magical switch that you can flip and all the bad feelings go away. If you have these feelings, you're a bad Christian. (FYI, you're not. You're just a normal human being with normal wants and hormones. It's about how you handle them.)
In fact, let's just stop talking in terms of "Christianity" and start talking in terms of "what God wants".
That's the whole problem. Religion presents us with a set of rules to abide by and great condemnation if we slip up.
God gives us rules because He loves us and He knows bad things happen if we don't follow those guidelines. He still loves us, even if we mess up. He's not gonna hit us with a stick. He just doesn't want us to hurt.
My problem is that I'm just at a place of great despair. I know God isn't some magical fairy who goes around granting wishes as soon as we ask for something. (I'm not stupid.) But what if you've been earnestly praying for something sooo hard and for soooo long and you can't see any movement?
A person's going to get discouraged.
And that's where I'm at. I keep clawing my way up the side of the pit, only to fall back.
This has been "my" song for awhile:
"Hard to Get" by Rich Mullins
You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do You remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get.
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get
And I know You bore our sorrows
And I know You feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow
All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get
My Mom told me to put God first this morning. That's what I've been TRYING to do!
"You make it sound so easy!" I said. "You make it sound like if you put God first, you'll be skipping through a meadow for the rest of your life! That's not the case!"
I've tried and tried. I did a good job for awhile. I had tried waiting on God and He wasn't doing things fast enough, so I when I was younger, I took matters into my own hands.
Bad move. (And I'll be the first to admit that one.)
What I take issue with is people acting like giving things to God is as easy as apple pie.
"I hate my life."
"Give it to God!"
"Um...ok... but I still hate my life..."
They pretend that there's not any emotion. Did you forget what it is like to be lower than low? Can you just identify with me where I'm at right now? Yeah, I'm not a good kid, but I'm not the worst either. (I'm not saying this about my Mom, because she helped me a lot this morning, I'm saying this about a lot of Christian adults in general.)
Did they forget what it was like to feel this way? To be sad, young(ish), single, horny, and wanting to belong somewhere or with someone? (And don't give me the whole "You belong with God! He loves you!" argument. I know that. I'm talking physical person. I'm getting the frustration out!)
They act like there's just some magical switch that you can flip and all the bad feelings go away. If you have these feelings, you're a bad Christian. (FYI, you're not. You're just a normal human being with normal wants and hormones. It's about how you handle them.)
In fact, let's just stop talking in terms of "Christianity" and start talking in terms of "what God wants".
That's the whole problem. Religion presents us with a set of rules to abide by and great condemnation if we slip up.
God gives us rules because He loves us and He knows bad things happen if we don't follow those guidelines. He still loves us, even if we mess up. He's not gonna hit us with a stick. He just doesn't want us to hurt.
My problem is that I'm just at a place of great despair. I know God isn't some magical fairy who goes around granting wishes as soon as we ask for something. (I'm not stupid.) But what if you've been earnestly praying for something sooo hard and for soooo long and you can't see any movement?
A person's going to get discouraged.
And that's where I'm at. I keep clawing my way up the side of the pit, only to fall back.
This has been "my" song for awhile:
"Hard to Get" by Rich Mullins
You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do You remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get.
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get
And I know You bore our sorrows
And I know You feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow
All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Nothing.
I have no cute stories today.
I have no positive thoughts.
I have no way of looking through rose colored glasses.
I need prayer. Lots and lots of it.
I don't like my life. I don't like what's happening. People say "Change it", but there are just some things that you can't make happen on your own.
I've tried.
Lord knows, I've tried.
Things just need to change, and they need to change soon.
(Because I don't like feeling this way.)
Take it away.
I have no positive thoughts.
I have no way of looking through rose colored glasses.
I need prayer. Lots and lots of it.
I don't like my life. I don't like what's happening. People say "Change it", but there are just some things that you can't make happen on your own.
I've tried.
Lord knows, I've tried.
Things just need to change, and they need to change soon.
(Because I don't like feeling this way.)
Take it away.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
PATIENCE!?!?!?!?!?!
This morning started out like a lovely day. (Actually, no. Not at all. I woke up all itchy and I had no hot water to shower with....BUT other than THAT, it was semi-okay.) I decided I needed a yummy sausage biscuit from Mac-a-donalds. (That's what my Papaw calls it.) I got in my car and started driving.
The drive was wonderful...until the turn onto Centennial and I got behind someone from Reno county who obviously cannot read speed limit signs. It was 35. We started at 30, 25, 20, somehow by the time we actually turned into McDonalds, we were going 5 mph. And then they decided to order $50 worth of food, asking for full menu options on each item.
At this point, I'm having a panic attack. I'm waiting for my turn in line (the other line was backed up) and creepy McDonalds dude walks past my car with a trash can and a devious grin. (A grin that he happened to be pointing in my direction.)
"OH COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I scream on the inside while soundly beating my steering wheel. (Sorry, Patrick. You're my favoritest car ever. You didn't deserve that.) I'm about to give up on the delightful biscuit that God surely created for my enjoyment when finally it was my turn to order. No drama there! Paid for my food, got my food, pulled around the corner and there was slow van again. "Ok, dude. Whichever way you're going, I'm NOT." (My speedometer wasn't even registering a speed at this point.) I finally get going, get around the roundabout, onto First street. Even more craziness from drivers, are you serious? A SCHOOL BUS just pulled out in front of me! WHAT?!?!?!?!?! (At this point, I'm sure I look like Bernard Black trying to do his taxes.)
It struck me that Someone was trying to teach me patience. Wouldn't it just be easier to teach everyone else in the world to drive properly and adhere to my schedule?
Grr.
I did simmer down by the time I got to work. In fact, I was laughing pretty hard.
Oh, and the food was good.
The drive was wonderful...until the turn onto Centennial and I got behind someone from Reno county who obviously cannot read speed limit signs. It was 35. We started at 30, 25, 20, somehow by the time we actually turned into McDonalds, we were going 5 mph. And then they decided to order $50 worth of food, asking for full menu options on each item.
At this point, I'm having a panic attack. I'm waiting for my turn in line (the other line was backed up) and creepy McDonalds dude walks past my car with a trash can and a devious grin. (A grin that he happened to be pointing in my direction.)
"OH COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I scream on the inside while soundly beating my steering wheel. (Sorry, Patrick. You're my favoritest car ever. You didn't deserve that.) I'm about to give up on the delightful biscuit that God surely created for my enjoyment when finally it was my turn to order. No drama there! Paid for my food, got my food, pulled around the corner and there was slow van again. "Ok, dude. Whichever way you're going, I'm NOT." (My speedometer wasn't even registering a speed at this point.) I finally get going, get around the roundabout, onto First street. Even more craziness from drivers, are you serious? A SCHOOL BUS just pulled out in front of me! WHAT?!?!?!?!?! (At this point, I'm sure I look like Bernard Black trying to do his taxes.)
It struck me that Someone was trying to teach me patience. Wouldn't it just be easier to teach everyone else in the world to drive properly and adhere to my schedule?
Grr.
I did simmer down by the time I got to work. In fact, I was laughing pretty hard.
Oh, and the food was good.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Hello, Rejection, My Old Friend.
I really did it this weekend.
I mean DID IT.
I managed to tear off a scab that had been quite happily in place for a long time. And when I say "tear" I mean rip off as hard as I could. You'd be hard pressed to find someone who could do a better job than I did this weekend.
Friday night, I made the mistake of watching one of my favorite movies "Almost Famous". At least I didn't watch it alone. There are two reasons why this was a bad move. A) The first time I watched it was with my ex 6 years ago (around Christmas, I might add). B) The whole movie deals with "band-aid" Penny Lane (Kate Hudson) who just wants to be loved by rock star Russell Hammond (Billy Crudup) and gets rejected over and over and over again. The only person who can't see it is her. She falls for him every time. And every time, he uses her and throws her away.
UUUGGGHHH.
I was kind of OK (keeping it together, anyway) until the part where Penny goes "Why doesn't he love me?".
It's a good thing I was watching it with people or I would've done one of two things. A) Sobbed uncontrollably or B) Gotten so angry, I trashed my house.
Why is it that for every 1 person who loves us, there seems to be 10 who will use, hurt, or reject us? And why do we set ourselves up for it every blasted time?
Why is it that to make a list of people who love us takes so long, but we can make the list of people who've hurt us in a heartbeat?
Why are we not good enough for some people, but more importantly, why do we want to be good enough? Why do we try to make people like us, instead of finding one who just does? (And not people who like us until they get what they want. People who just like us. Period.)
I cried and cried and cried last night. My face looks like someone's beat the crap out of me. My eyes are soooo swollen.
I got up this morning feeling a bit better. I was praying while I was getting ready to shower and I was just asking God to help me through the day. I apologized to Him for constantly letting Him (and myself) down. I asked Him to take my hurt away. I just can't figure out what I want from someone that I can't get from Him. I want someone here physically, I guess. I want someone to comfort me and hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright. (Obviously I've succeeded in finding this so called person.) I know this person doesn't really exist. I know this person just lives in my silly little mind.
I was shampooing my hair and I just started singing (very loudly, I might add.)
"Oh gently lay your head
Upon My chest
And I will comfort you like a mother
While you rest..."
Whoa. I hadn't heard that song since I was at least 16. It was my number one jam for about a week, and then it was gone. "I Am" by Jill Phillips. I remembered every last word, and that was 9 years ago!!!
What is happening? I never sing out loud in the shower! Especially when my roommate is home.
"...The tide can change so fast
But I will stay
The same through past
The same in future, same today
I am constant
I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy
I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
You're hearts desires
Oh weary, tired, and worn,
Let out your sighs
And drop that heavy load you hold
Cause Mine is light
I know you through and through
There's no need to hide
I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide
I am constant
I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy
I am wise
And I'm the only one who knows your hearts desires
Your hearts desires
Oh gently lay your head
Upon My chest
And I will comfort you like a mother
While you rest."
It would be a lot easier to be miserable and argue with God if He wasn't right all the dang time!
I mean DID IT.
I managed to tear off a scab that had been quite happily in place for a long time. And when I say "tear" I mean rip off as hard as I could. You'd be hard pressed to find someone who could do a better job than I did this weekend.
Friday night, I made the mistake of watching one of my favorite movies "Almost Famous". At least I didn't watch it alone. There are two reasons why this was a bad move. A) The first time I watched it was with my ex 6 years ago (around Christmas, I might add). B) The whole movie deals with "band-aid" Penny Lane (Kate Hudson) who just wants to be loved by rock star Russell Hammond (Billy Crudup) and gets rejected over and over and over again. The only person who can't see it is her. She falls for him every time. And every time, he uses her and throws her away.
UUUGGGHHH.
I was kind of OK (keeping it together, anyway) until the part where Penny goes "Why doesn't he love me?".
It's a good thing I was watching it with people or I would've done one of two things. A) Sobbed uncontrollably or B) Gotten so angry, I trashed my house.
Why is it that for every 1 person who loves us, there seems to be 10 who will use, hurt, or reject us? And why do we set ourselves up for it every blasted time?
Why is it that to make a list of people who love us takes so long, but we can make the list of people who've hurt us in a heartbeat?
Why are we not good enough for some people, but more importantly, why do we want to be good enough? Why do we try to make people like us, instead of finding one who just does? (And not people who like us until they get what they want. People who just like us. Period.)
I cried and cried and cried last night. My face looks like someone's beat the crap out of me. My eyes are soooo swollen.
I got up this morning feeling a bit better. I was praying while I was getting ready to shower and I was just asking God to help me through the day. I apologized to Him for constantly letting Him (and myself) down. I asked Him to take my hurt away. I just can't figure out what I want from someone that I can't get from Him. I want someone here physically, I guess. I want someone to comfort me and hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright. (Obviously I've succeeded in finding this so called person.) I know this person doesn't really exist. I know this person just lives in my silly little mind.
I was shampooing my hair and I just started singing (very loudly, I might add.)
"Oh gently lay your head
Upon My chest
And I will comfort you like a mother
While you rest..."
Whoa. I hadn't heard that song since I was at least 16. It was my number one jam for about a week, and then it was gone. "I Am" by Jill Phillips. I remembered every last word, and that was 9 years ago!!!
What is happening? I never sing out loud in the shower! Especially when my roommate is home.
"...The tide can change so fast
But I will stay
The same through past
The same in future, same today
I am constant
I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy
I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
You're hearts desires
Oh weary, tired, and worn,
Let out your sighs
And drop that heavy load you hold
Cause Mine is light
I know you through and through
There's no need to hide
I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide
I am constant
I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy
I am wise
And I'm the only one who knows your hearts desires
Your hearts desires
Oh gently lay your head
Upon My chest
And I will comfort you like a mother
While you rest."
It would be a lot easier to be miserable and argue with God if He wasn't right all the dang time!
Friday, December 10, 2010
I Heart
Can I just say something? (Of course I can. It's my blog...)
I just want to say how madly in love I am... with every single person I spent last night with. (You know who you are.) I should probably say "spent the evening" with... "spent the night" just doesn't sound good...
Last night, was the best night ever. Even better than "The Epic Party of Halloween 2010". (In my book, anyway.) I hadn't laughed that hard in a while. I think it partly due to the absolutely random group of people that were in my basement last night. When I say random, what I really mean is random. It was a group of people that I never would've put together in a million years, and they were at my house. But it worked... in my opinion anyway.
You know how it is when you're around certain people and you can say anything? Yeah. It was one of those groups. Many things were said, shared, laughed at and laughed with. There were lots of inside jokes and I got some of the best hugs of my life last night!!! (Ok, so Keebler was really tipsy and took a dive on the couch, but it was still the best hug ever.)
All of that mushiness just to say "I love you guys and I'm glad you're in my life."
Love,
Me
I just want to say how madly in love I am... with every single person I spent last night with. (You know who you are.) I should probably say "spent the evening" with... "spent the night" just doesn't sound good...
Last night, was the best night ever. Even better than "The Epic Party of Halloween 2010". (In my book, anyway.) I hadn't laughed that hard in a while. I think it partly due to the absolutely random group of people that were in my basement last night. When I say random, what I really mean is random. It was a group of people that I never would've put together in a million years, and they were at my house. But it worked... in my opinion anyway.
You know how it is when you're around certain people and you can say anything? Yeah. It was one of those groups. Many things were said, shared, laughed at and laughed with. There were lots of inside jokes and I got some of the best hugs of my life last night!!! (Ok, so Keebler was really tipsy and took a dive on the couch, but it was still the best hug ever.)
All of that mushiness just to say "I love you guys and I'm glad you're in my life."
Love,
Me
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Same Great Blog, Now with more RANDOMNESS!
What you are about to read will more than likely make your head spin. For this, I sincerely apologize. It is a detailed account of how my brain was working from 10:00 last night to 1:30 this morning. You think it's bad reading it, try going through it all!
I had a weird day yesterday. (What days aren't weird in my life, right?) I've been working a lot more, which is great, but as a result I can't really tell if I'm coming or going. It's almost Christmas, I have no shopping done, my friend is getting to the hard part of her radiation treatment and I wish I could be with her, my roommate is going through a breakup, I'm trying to help another friend of mine (I feel like I'm just digging a bigger hole), and so on and so forth. These things are effecting people that I love. And I can't do a thing about it. (Not to mention, I have issues in my own life that I wish would go away.)
I've been a giant sounding board for lots of people lately. That's great, bring it on, I'll try to help however I can. But what happens when I get bogged down and I have no one to talk to about it? I talk to my Mom, but I feel like I'm a broken record, and Cordy can only listen for so long before she has to chew on her leg or needs to go outside. I don't want to weigh people down with it, so I just hold onto it myself.
I was weighed down beyond belief by the time I crawled into bed last night. I tried to cry, but I was too upset to cry. (Makes no sense!) I just curled up in a ball and put the covers over my head. (If I don't do that, Cordy will hear me crying and she'll come and lick my face.)
I just closed my eyes and prayed "Lord, I need a hug. Please hold me tonight. I need help." (Yes, you can pray that.) I was just laying there and the song "Quiet You With My Love" popped into my head. "I will quiet you with my love, rejoice over you with my song..." I knew it was based on a scripture, so I looked it up:
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17 NIV)
(There are even cooler translations, but that's the one I read last night.)
That calmed me down some. Back to the fetal position and covers over my head to try to catch some sleep!
"Hold me, love me, hold me, love me. Ain't got nothing but love... eight days a week....? What? What's going on here, God? Why are you using the Beatles to get to me?"
God had resorted to using the Beatles to get through my thick skull.
I'm close to God, then I'm not close to Him. (I've talked about this before.) I think I'm a good Christian, and then I realize that I only really want Him around when I need Him. That's not healthy. It used to not be like this. What changed? Did I change? (I was pretty far gone for a long time there, but I thought I had come back around this year!) I'm afraid people would meet me and think I'm the farthest thing from a Christian there is. I move forward, then I'm dragged back. What am I afraid of? People not liking me because I'm a Christian? So what? Why is it so hard to let that side be seen?
So here I was, in the dark, with the one person I've turned my back on. I've spit in His face. I've yelled at Him. I've denied I even knew Him. I've hung out with people who hate Him. I've run back to Him and apologized, only to do it all over again. And yet, He's the One who's stayed by my side. He's the One who loves me. (This is the most dysfunctional of relationships, and I'm the dysfunctional one!)
I cried in the dark and told Him I was sorry. That I want to do better, but that I need His help. I can't do this on my own. (And He doesn't expect me to, so I don't know why I put that pressure on myself!) I thought about what would make me feel better, and the only thing I could think of was watching my Hillsong United "I (Heart) Revolution" DVD. I put it in and crawled back into bed. I was singing with it in my head.
I get a text message "You still awake?" "Yes. What's up?"
It started one of the most frustrating conversations of my life. I have a friend who is hurting and I just cannot do anything to help him. I'm laying there praying for words to encourage him with, but I am at a loss.
I'm frustrated, and I'm also in an "Facebook inbox conversation" that I don't want to be in. Since I'm frustrated, I'm sure I'm coming off as short tempered, but I wasn't in the mood. I don't want to be a not-nice-person but some people just don't get the hint. If I'm taken, I'm taken. Period. You need to respect that. You don't have to like it or agree with it.
I had another friend who was hurting from her divorce situation, so I was crying for her hurt and trying to post words of encouragement.
(All of this is happening at the same time, mind you.)
I was up til 1:30 with all of this stuff!
I finally just had to shut it all down and just give it to God. "I can't fix this, but You can. I'm making it worse." Just at that time, one of my favorite songs starts on the DVD...
"You broke the night like the sun
And healed my heart with Your great love
Any trouble I couldn't bear
You lifted me upon Your shoulders
Love that's stronger
Love that covers sin
And takes the weight of the world
I love You
All of my hope is in You
Jesus Christ take my life
Take all of me
You stand on mountain tops with me
With You I walk through the valleys
You gave Your only Son for me
Your grace is all I rely on
I love You so, and I give up my heart to say
I need You so, my everything"
How can I have anything else to say? How do you follow that? You don't.
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7
I had a weird day yesterday. (What days aren't weird in my life, right?) I've been working a lot more, which is great, but as a result I can't really tell if I'm coming or going. It's almost Christmas, I have no shopping done, my friend is getting to the hard part of her radiation treatment and I wish I could be with her, my roommate is going through a breakup, I'm trying to help another friend of mine (I feel like I'm just digging a bigger hole), and so on and so forth. These things are effecting people that I love. And I can't do a thing about it. (Not to mention, I have issues in my own life that I wish would go away.)
I've been a giant sounding board for lots of people lately. That's great, bring it on, I'll try to help however I can. But what happens when I get bogged down and I have no one to talk to about it? I talk to my Mom, but I feel like I'm a broken record, and Cordy can only listen for so long before she has to chew on her leg or needs to go outside. I don't want to weigh people down with it, so I just hold onto it myself.
I was weighed down beyond belief by the time I crawled into bed last night. I tried to cry, but I was too upset to cry. (Makes no sense!) I just curled up in a ball and put the covers over my head. (If I don't do that, Cordy will hear me crying and she'll come and lick my face.)
I just closed my eyes and prayed "Lord, I need a hug. Please hold me tonight. I need help." (Yes, you can pray that.) I was just laying there and the song "Quiet You With My Love" popped into my head. "I will quiet you with my love, rejoice over you with my song..." I knew it was based on a scripture, so I looked it up:
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17 NIV)
(There are even cooler translations, but that's the one I read last night.)
That calmed me down some. Back to the fetal position and covers over my head to try to catch some sleep!
"Hold me, love me, hold me, love me. Ain't got nothing but love... eight days a week....? What? What's going on here, God? Why are you using the Beatles to get to me?"
God had resorted to using the Beatles to get through my thick skull.
I'm close to God, then I'm not close to Him. (I've talked about this before.) I think I'm a good Christian, and then I realize that I only really want Him around when I need Him. That's not healthy. It used to not be like this. What changed? Did I change? (I was pretty far gone for a long time there, but I thought I had come back around this year!) I'm afraid people would meet me and think I'm the farthest thing from a Christian there is. I move forward, then I'm dragged back. What am I afraid of? People not liking me because I'm a Christian? So what? Why is it so hard to let that side be seen?
So here I was, in the dark, with the one person I've turned my back on. I've spit in His face. I've yelled at Him. I've denied I even knew Him. I've hung out with people who hate Him. I've run back to Him and apologized, only to do it all over again. And yet, He's the One who's stayed by my side. He's the One who loves me. (This is the most dysfunctional of relationships, and I'm the dysfunctional one!)
I cried in the dark and told Him I was sorry. That I want to do better, but that I need His help. I can't do this on my own. (And He doesn't expect me to, so I don't know why I put that pressure on myself!) I thought about what would make me feel better, and the only thing I could think of was watching my Hillsong United "I (Heart) Revolution" DVD. I put it in and crawled back into bed. I was singing with it in my head.
I get a text message "You still awake?" "Yes. What's up?"
It started one of the most frustrating conversations of my life. I have a friend who is hurting and I just cannot do anything to help him. I'm laying there praying for words to encourage him with, but I am at a loss.
I'm frustrated, and I'm also in an "Facebook inbox conversation" that I don't want to be in. Since I'm frustrated, I'm sure I'm coming off as short tempered, but I wasn't in the mood. I don't want to be a not-nice-person but some people just don't get the hint. If I'm taken, I'm taken. Period. You need to respect that. You don't have to like it or agree with it.
I had another friend who was hurting from her divorce situation, so I was crying for her hurt and trying to post words of encouragement.
(All of this is happening at the same time, mind you.)
I was up til 1:30 with all of this stuff!
I finally just had to shut it all down and just give it to God. "I can't fix this, but You can. I'm making it worse." Just at that time, one of my favorite songs starts on the DVD...
"You broke the night like the sun
And healed my heart with Your great love
Any trouble I couldn't bear
You lifted me upon Your shoulders
Love that's stronger
Love that covers sin
And takes the weight of the world
I love You
All of my hope is in You
Jesus Christ take my life
Take all of me
You stand on mountain tops with me
With You I walk through the valleys
You gave Your only Son for me
Your grace is all I rely on
I love You so, and I give up my heart to say
I need You so, my everything"
How can I have anything else to say? How do you follow that? You don't.
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7
Monday, December 6, 2010
Psalm 42
I walked into work this morning with the typical feel of a Monday morning. "Wasn't I just here?" I worked 50 hours last week (After I've been scheduled for approximately 32 hours for the last 6 months), so I'm definitely at the tired point. I'm also at the "this paycheck is gonna rock" point.
The feeling of "wasn't I just here?" is normal when you work 6 days a week.
I'm more concerned with the "wasn't I just here?" feeling I have in my life.
I feel fat, then I feel OK with myself.
I feel like being alone, then I feel that I desperately want to be understood by someone.
I feel more in love with Jesus than ever, then I feel like He's far away.
I feel beautiful, then I feel ugly.
I feel obedient, then I feel terribly rebellious.
I feel kind, then I feel like I have the blackest of souls.
Is this a normal cycle in life? Or am I just nuts? (Don't answer that.)
I just feel like I walk and walk and walk and I'm finally making progress. I'm sooo happy! I'm never going back again! Then I see the same thing I passed awhile ago. I've succeeded in making a huge circle.
I'm sure I'm not the only person who's ever felt this way, but some days I sure feel like it.
(If you're wondering why the title is Psalm 42, go read it. Psalm 42 is my homeboy.)
The feeling of "wasn't I just here?" is normal when you work 6 days a week.
I'm more concerned with the "wasn't I just here?" feeling I have in my life.
I feel fat, then I feel OK with myself.
I feel like being alone, then I feel that I desperately want to be understood by someone.
I feel more in love with Jesus than ever, then I feel like He's far away.
I feel beautiful, then I feel ugly.
I feel obedient, then I feel terribly rebellious.
I feel kind, then I feel like I have the blackest of souls.
Is this a normal cycle in life? Or am I just nuts? (Don't answer that.)
I just feel like I walk and walk and walk and I'm finally making progress. I'm sooo happy! I'm never going back again! Then I see the same thing I passed awhile ago. I've succeeded in making a huge circle.
I'm sure I'm not the only person who's ever felt this way, but some days I sure feel like it.
(If you're wondering why the title is Psalm 42, go read it. Psalm 42 is my homeboy.)
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Words
I'll be the first person to tell you that I'm not usually that affected by words of others. I'll say that, but in reality what happens is that I brush them off, think "what a jerk" and go about my business until later. I'll go to bed and while I'm laying there in the darkness, waiting for sleep to overtake me, the words raise their ugly heads and taunt me.
Most times I just tell them to shut up, but last night.... last night was rough.
What makes people think that they have the right to just hurl words at you? Maybe I just get more than my fair share of them since I work with the public.
Thursday, I saw a lady at Walmart that I knew from work. She says "What did you do to your hair?!?!?" (I always dye it a bright bright red, and then it fades out to what people usually see me in.) I said "Oh, this color? It's usually this color and then it fades. I wanted to feel extra Christmasy!" (Yes, it's that red.) She then replied "Looks more like Halloween to me..."
OK, great. You don't like my hair. If you don't like it, just don't say anything. I never say anything about your lack of teeth.
Yesterday, I had an elderly gentleman come in to work and need assistance with his bill. This comes in at least once a month and I help him every time. Last month, he looks at me and goes "You ain't pregnant are you?" to which I replied "Of course not!" and he then says "You're looking PUDGY around the middle!" Awesome. He came in yesterday and told me if I didn't do something on his bill right, he was gonna "come around that desk and" and then his voice trailed off. I said "You'll do what? Call me pudgy again!?" and he said "Well, I wouldn't have to call you pudgy if you wasn't!".
Great, you think I'm fat. I never say anything about your overwhelming body odor and terrible manners.
Why do they think it's any of their business?
I had a conversation about flirting with a friend last night and when I said "I try not to flirt. It's annoying." he replies "You should try it sometime. It's like what you do except less desperate."
OK, awesome.
I'm pudgy and I come off as desperate? What?
So, what I'm gathering from these conversations is that if I lose 40 pounds and just be quiet or learn how to flirt "properly", I'll be lovable.
Noted.
I think I'll just buy a good pair of earplugs instead.
Most times I just tell them to shut up, but last night.... last night was rough.
What makes people think that they have the right to just hurl words at you? Maybe I just get more than my fair share of them since I work with the public.
Thursday, I saw a lady at Walmart that I knew from work. She says "What did you do to your hair?!?!?" (I always dye it a bright bright red, and then it fades out to what people usually see me in.) I said "Oh, this color? It's usually this color and then it fades. I wanted to feel extra Christmasy!" (Yes, it's that red.) She then replied "Looks more like Halloween to me..."
OK, great. You don't like my hair. If you don't like it, just don't say anything. I never say anything about your lack of teeth.
Yesterday, I had an elderly gentleman come in to work and need assistance with his bill. This comes in at least once a month and I help him every time. Last month, he looks at me and goes "You ain't pregnant are you?" to which I replied "Of course not!" and he then says "You're looking PUDGY around the middle!" Awesome. He came in yesterday and told me if I didn't do something on his bill right, he was gonna "come around that desk and" and then his voice trailed off. I said "You'll do what? Call me pudgy again!?" and he said "Well, I wouldn't have to call you pudgy if you wasn't!".
Great, you think I'm fat. I never say anything about your overwhelming body odor and terrible manners.
Why do they think it's any of their business?
I had a conversation about flirting with a friend last night and when I said "I try not to flirt. It's annoying." he replies "You should try it sometime. It's like what you do except less desperate."
OK, awesome.
I'm pudgy and I come off as desperate? What?
So, what I'm gathering from these conversations is that if I lose 40 pounds and just be quiet or learn how to flirt "properly", I'll be lovable.
Noted.
I think I'll just buy a good pair of earplugs instead.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Wonderful Christmastime
Last night, I treated myself to a... em... treat. (As a friend of mine would say: "Oh, you and your redundant redundancies!")
I put up my Christmas tree!!!
You see, this is a small victory for me. I love Christmas, and I feel like my whole adult (living away from Mom and Dad) life, I have never had a proper tree. I mean proper!
The thing is pre-lit and I still strung more lights on it last night. I mean, if it was outside, you might be able to see it from space. You should probably wear shades if you're gonna look at it. I put on the beads that we used on my childhood Christmas tree. I hung projects I had made in Sunday school, Hallmark ornaments, and my "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" ornament collection (I can't find "The Island of Misfit Toys" ornament anywhere and I am in full blown crisis mode). I hung the snowflake ornaments my Granny had crocheted before I was born (she was legally blind when she made them!!!) and I pushed it completely over the top by overloading it with 15 red velvet bows.
It is beautiful!!!
The tree is like 4ft tall and it has enough stuff for an 8ft tree.
I am in love.
I haven't been this happy in awhile. We're starting a new venture at work, and I'm happy with my Christmas tree.
I like this upswing.
I put up my Christmas tree!!!
You see, this is a small victory for me. I love Christmas, and I feel like my whole adult (living away from Mom and Dad) life, I have never had a proper tree. I mean proper!
The thing is pre-lit and I still strung more lights on it last night. I mean, if it was outside, you might be able to see it from space. You should probably wear shades if you're gonna look at it. I put on the beads that we used on my childhood Christmas tree. I hung projects I had made in Sunday school, Hallmark ornaments, and my "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" ornament collection (I can't find "The Island of Misfit Toys" ornament anywhere and I am in full blown crisis mode). I hung the snowflake ornaments my Granny had crocheted before I was born (she was legally blind when she made them!!!) and I pushed it completely over the top by overloading it with 15 red velvet bows.
It is beautiful!!!
The tree is like 4ft tall and it has enough stuff for an 8ft tree.
I am in love.
I haven't been this happy in awhile. We're starting a new venture at work, and I'm happy with my Christmas tree.
I like this upswing.
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