Dear Ryan and Libby, (And whoever else is reading this.)
Hold on. The phone is ringing.
Ok, I'm back.
So... you know how I told you this morning has been the worst and weirdest of all the mornings? Yeah. It's been kinda like this:
GO HERE AND FAST FORWARD TO 1MIN 13 SEC AND WATCH UNTIL 1:52 ISH.
It all started out innocent enough, and then I went to get in the shower.
I DISCOVERED SUNBURN. MAJOR MAJOR SUNBURN. (You may recall that I went to the pool yesterday. I applied sunscreen and I was only out for an hour and a half, but apparently I did not apply as much as I thought I had to my shoulders and boobular region.)
I decided to use dandruff shampoo on my hairs because once the hot water hit, I discovered that my scalp was also very badly sunburned.
Dandruff shampoo, meet left eye. Left eye, meet lots and lots of water. Right eye, meet run-off dandruff shampoo. Water, meet right eye. Now that we're all friends, washcloth, meet both eyelids and scratch right cornea. Badly.
Get the picture?
I'm thinking not nice words. I'm literally yelling "OUCH OUCH OUCH!!! OWIE!!!! DEAR JESUS, MAKE IT STOP!!!" I'm trying to get out of the shower and dry myself off so I can find some eye drops, all while essentially blind.
I put on towels, I look for drops. I canny find drops.
I run upstairs because my roommate SURELY has some. I narrowly avoid putting Clear Care in my eyes. (Thank you, Jesus, for having my back on that one.) I see re wetting drops. I tilt my head back. They're empty. In fact, it's just air. Air hurts. Concentrated air hurts MORE. I see a box of new ones in the cabinet. I rip them open. I struggle with the safety seal for approximately 2 min and 7 seconds. I FINALLY get a few drops in my eyes.
Left eye, mission accomplished. Right eye, still buggered up cornea.
(Kristin, if it looks like a crazy tornado person ripped through your bathroom and used some eye drops, you now know why. I owe you approximately 5 drops.)
I am thinking to myself "I need to go to the eye Dr? No. They fired you. You are NOT going back. You are NOT giving them any money. What did the Drs do for corneas? CONTACT LENSES! I THINK I STILL HAS THEM!!!"
I has colored ones.
I thought about rocking the "One brown eye, one green eye" look, but then I decided against it. So I found my "Eden" colored ones. They're basically clear contacts with a rim of green glitter.
After I got them in, I looked in the mirror. I have had better days.
Who am I kidding? I'm totally rocking the blotchy sunburn and bloodshot eye look. Tyra Banks ain't got nothin on me. I am FIERCE.
Being thusly dubbed "Her Royal Fierceness", I decided to put on a shirt over my undershirt. I thought I saw a little clump of hair on the shirt I wanted to wear (my contacts are outdated, gimme a break) and when I went to grab it, it suddenly moved.
THAT'S BECAUSE IT WAS NOT A CLUMP OF HAIR AT ALL!!! IT WAS A BROWN RECLUSE SPIDER!!!
I then bludgeoned it to death with a can of hairspray.
So, yeah. I'm still alive. No poisonous spider bites, just a bloodshot eye and some crispy bits. I'll manage.