Monday, June 6, 2011

The Belly of the Beast

"Life is sweet
In the belly of the beast
In the belly of the beast"

This blog post has been about a week in the making. I kept sitting down to write it and then I'd get frustrated and scrap the whole thing. I see now that more things needed to happen in the story before I could start writing about it. My words are too small.

The above lyrics are from the below video of "Stay Young, Go Dancing" by Death Cab for Cutie.

I first heard it the night Cordy and I were sick and watching Vh1. Something about it just stuck with me.

I keep having to wade through muck after muck after muck, and every time I'm tempted to just throw my hands in the air and go "THAT'S IT!!!! I'M DONE!!!", I keep hearing "Life is sweet in the belly of the beast, in the belly of the beast..."

Over and over.

Even when you can't see it, life is sweet.

I had another "talk" with God the other day. It may have been more of an argument? I kept saying "I've given you my whole heart! What else is there?"

"All of it?"

"Yes! All of it! I don't know what part of 'All' You aren't getting!"

"What about ______?"


"And _______?"

"Well, You see? Um..."

Yeah. After I added it up, the "All" I was giving Him equalled about 83%.


Yeah. No one wants to hear this:

How absurd.

Point taken.

So I was getting ready for bed the next day and we had "the talk" again.

"How much do you love me?"

"With my whole heart."

"Enough to do anything?"

"Um... yes?"

"Enough to give up so-and-so?"


My heart fell.

The last time I had this type of talk with God, I was getting married and I knew I shouldn't be.

"You know you aren't doing right. You need to give him up."

"NO! God, this is the ONE THING that You canNOT take away from me!!!"

I bawled and bawled and bawled.

I stuck to my guns.

My husband WAS taken away from me, alright. And in the long run, it was INFINITELY more painful that it would've been if I'd just been obedient and let him go in the first place.

So here it was again. The same question. Not a fiance this time though.

"But, God. So-and-so's just my FRIEND!"

"Do you trust me?"


"Do you trust me enough to let him go? Even though he's your friend?"

I knew what the answer needed to be. I wasn't happy. I finally said "Yes. You can have him. Even if it means we can't be friends anymore, I give it to You."

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(And it was for real. It wasn't a "I'm saying this so You'll see that I'm being obedient and You'll change your mind." thing. You can't use reverse psychology on GOD!!!)


I put it out of my mind and didn't think anything else of it.

At church on Saturday, we were singing and I noticed some of the songs pertained to what I'd been dealing with all week. The first two songs, I was like "Ok, God. What are you doing?"

And then we started singing a song I'd never heard. It was a DEFINITE set up.

"Lover of my soul
I want to tell you
Only you have all of me..."


I started laughing to myself and shaking my head. (It's a good thing that we have a LOUD band and they turn the lights down...) I sang along and then we got to the chorus:

"Jesus you have me completely
Every breath I breathe
I am absolutely in love
Jesus I am yours forever
All of me surrenders
I am absolutely in love with you"

(Here's the song, if anyone is curious.)


A few times in the evening, and through the day Sunday, I kept hearing it.

"Are you sure I can have it?


"Are you sure you trust me?"

"YES!!! You're starting to freak me out..."

"I'll ask again. Can I have so-and-so?"

"YES! It would suck HARDCORE, but You'll get me though it. You always do."

I think I can see what He was preparing me for now.

I made it home to Mom and Dad's last night and I just crawled into bed STILL IN MY CLOTHES and started crying.

"I KNOW You got this. I KNOW it. It just HURTS. Does it hurt You to say no? I'm sure it would hurt my Dad to say no. I just don't see what the big deal is. He's like my BEST FRIEND!! Why is this happening? WAAAAAAHHH!"

Then He lovingly brought three things to my mind. (And I logged them in my phone so I wouldn't forget.)

1) Your intestines would hate you.
2) YOU TOLD ME I could take him away.
3) June 4th-5th have NEVER been good days for you, have they?

I went from crying to laughing HYSTERICALLY. Don't you hate it when you're trying to be mad but you can't be? Such valid points! (I met my ex husband on June 4th and by the time I got home from hanging out, it was the 5th.)


Oh wait. It gets BETTER!

Dad Steve sends Kristin and I forwards in our emails. It's usually at night.

I'm just laying there, praying and trying to stop the psycho mix of crying/laughing that I'm doing and my phone starts going off. I'm getting emails.

The title of the first one: "If you love something" I literally facepalmed. (I opened it and it's a picture of a dog that says "If you love something, pee on it." NOT APPLICABLE.)

The title of the second one: "Sometimes you just don't get over it." Another facepalm. (It has a picture of a quarter, dime, nickel, and penny and says "I noticed that they're all facing forward except Lincoln. I guess once somebody sneaks up behind you and shoots you in the head, you never really get over it." FAIR ASSESSMENT.)

I laughed more. (I mean, seriously. What are the odds?)

I went to bed and woke up this morning feeling rested and better about the whole situation.

On the way home, my Pandora Radio decided that "Don't Look Back in Anger" and "Stop Crying Your Heart Out" by Oasis were appropriate selections.

Touche, internet radio. Touche.

"Life is sweet
In the belly of the beast
In the belly of the beast"

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