Thursday, May 19, 2011

Serious Times. Serious Measures.

First off, let me show you some drawings that only about 7 people would ever understand, and probably only 4 out of 7 will ever look at them.

Last night, this happened. (I can't remember what caused the redness, but it happened. And he couldn't hide from it.)

Cathy yelled about Guinness.

The Guinness tirade went like this:

It was pretty a pretty colorful time. There was one color missing though...

Also, because "Andy" rhymes with "Candy"... some stories got started. And they got a little out of hand. The picture makes it sound super inappropriate. But I don't think it was meant to be THAT bad. But then again, I was the only one NOT drinking. So I can't tell you what everyone else was thinking.

After that, I seem to have a memory fail.

Ok. That's all for the peoples from last night. It's gonna get serious now, so you might want to leave. Love!!!


Yesterday was a pretty life changing day for me.

Any day you lock yourself in the bathroom at work at 3pm and have a major "heart to heart" with God is going to leave a mark. Am I right?

I know I haven't been living right. It's been this way for awhile. My life is anything but glorifying to God. I mean, yes, it could be worse, but I don't play that game anymore. I'm not interested in getting just as close as I can to the super forbidden and saying "But I'm not touching it!!!"

I've touched it. I've lived it. Obviously, it's worked out super well for me.

I just sat there in the bathroom floor, tears streaming down my face, and I uttered a two-word prayer.


God knew what I meant with those two words. "Just take it all. Take the trash. Take what I'm doing. Take where I'm living. Take the pain. Take my desires. Take my dreams. Take everything."

"Take it all AWAY."

As soon as I uttered those words, I was filled with two feelings. The first was immediate peace and relief. The second one was extreme terror.

I've had this conversation with God before. At a different work, but still in the bathroom. (Where else can a girl get some real privacy?!?!?) It was the "I know my life is not pleasing to you. I know I'm not doing what You have for me. Take everything that's standing in the way of YOUR will for my life."

A month after that prayer, I was diagnosed with a heart condition and lost my job. 11 months after that prayer, I was filing for divorce. (Now, I am in NO WAY saying that it was "God's Will" for those not nice things to happen, but sometimes He uses those things to get our attention and move us where He wants us to be.)

I would have NEVER imagined those things happening to me. Never in a million years. But being on the other side of that now, I am THANKFUL for it. I am thankful for every tear that had to fall and every piece of my heart that had to break to get me HERE.

But you can sense my fear at finding myself in a similar place 3 years later.

What scares me more than anything is that I don't even know what I want. Yesterday, I found myself asking "What would make you the happiest, more than anything in the world?" and I did not have an immediate answer. "Marriage? No. Kids? No. Moving? No."

After further prayer last night, I feel that after 26 years of fighting, my honest answer is that I truly want to do what He has for me.

The great thing about giving God free reign in your life is that He can do ANYTHING.
The terrifying thing about giving God free reign in your life is that He can do ANYTHING.

My first instinct is to scared beyond measure.

But I am more excited thank you will ever know.

He's brought me this far. He'll continue. I know this.

Now, I just have to start living it. And that means a fair bit of change. (Like not talking about Andy and Candy...)

Please pray for me. Who knows what God has up His sleeve. :)

No comments:

Post a Comment