I am well aware that I am violating the first rule of blogging today. (For those unfamiliar with blogs and their prohibitive stance on messy things, that rule is “Never blog when you’re emotional”.) When I started this blog, I started it with the express purpose OF being messy. That being said, it’s your choice to read on or not.
I just told my friend Adam via text “All I need is Jesus and Jack [Daniels].”
I don’t have any idea what is going on. This year has been a great year, full of lots of new experiences and growing friendships with new people. My heart’s been crushed only a little bit and the walls around it are continuing to slowly fall down. I’m becoming more open minded and learning more things about God than I ever dreamed I could. Yet, I still feel the need to completely numb myself sometimes.
“Don’t be so open minded that Jesus falls out.” My Mom said to me.
I don’t think He’ll ever fall out. He’s always there, but I will admit quite candidly that I have NO CLUE what He’s doing right about now. I’m thinking that He keeps taking lunch breaks or something. He feels REALLY close, and then I’ll turn around and go “Wait. Where are you?” It’s like a game of hide and seek that the Bible never prepared me for.
I think that “Bad Mind” (as Anne Lamott calls it) is getting to me.
“You’re not pretty” so I stopped washing my hair and wearing makeup every day.
“You say stupid things” so I started being quiet.
“He’ll never like you” so I stopped being likable.
Bad Mind sounds a lot like the devil. That pesky guy. Seriously.
As Justin so kindly sang Florence and the Machine to me on The Patio Monday night, “It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off. WAAOOOHHHHH!”
Libby and I had a conversation last week about trying to be more like Jesus. Trying to be kind to people and view them through kind eyes like He did. By the end of day one, we were sucking at it pretty badly. But hey, at least we TRIED, right? This week I’ve done well viewing OTHER people through Jesus’ eyes, but I can’t seem to view MYSELF through them. I keep beating myself, and beating myself, and beating myself up over my past (and my present.) I want help, but I always seem to want help from everywhere but where I actually could get it.
On this Thursday before Good Friday, having done plenty of crying myself this week, it is boggling my mind to think of what Jesus went through in the garden. I’m sure He cried and pleaded and didn’t understand and wondered where God was, too. Yes, my “problems” seem really silly and little and dumb compared to dying on a cross for a bunch of really rude, ungrateful people. But Jesus was able to look past His present situation and see what really mattered and what was going to come of everything. And what was coming was GOOD.
Things to do:
Stop listening to Bad Mind and just shake it off already. (Patio dance performance tonight, I’m sure, if anyone’s interested.)
See myself through Jesus’ eyes. He died for me, the least I can do is acknowledge that and be kind to myself.
Be THANKFUL, dammit. (Sorry, Mom.)
Wait patiently, lovingly, and expect GOOD things, not bad.