Saturday, December 10, 2011

I Don't Want This.

Death is a weird thing.

No one wants it to happen, but it will find us all of us eventually.

Most of us plan to keep it at bay for a very long time and do everything in our power to avoid it. Some of us look forward to it and some of us hasten it ourselves.

Either way, it's an unpleasant subject.

As I write this, my Papaw is laying in his bed in his room in a nursing home in Valley Mills, Texas. He is dying.

He's 90 years old and he's lived a good life. He's ready to go home, but I'm selfish. I'm not ready for him to leave.

When we went down to see him this last August, I actually cried after leaving him. I was pretty sure it was the last time I'd ever see him.

I have no regrets. I told him I loved him and gave him a big hug before we left. (I remember when I was a little girl and I'd get ready to go to bed, he'd always say "Come give me some sugar." when he wanted a goodnight hug and kiss.)

I just don't want this to happen. I know I can't change it, but it hurts my heart.

I haven't told anyone just how serious it is yet. (Well, I told Justin because he was my +1 to my work Christmas party. HE IS MY HERO, btw.)

Death is one thing people don't know how to deal with. It makes people uncomfortable.

I mean, you don't just call people up and say " Papaw's dying."

It either looks like you're crying out for attention. "PLEASE! PITY ME! I HAVE A FAMILY MEMBER WHO IS ON THE EDGE OF DEATH!"

Or you get a story from someone "Oh, yeah. That happened to my great aunt's cousin's mother in-law. She stubbed her toe and we thought she was going to die."

Or you get no reaction at all along with a change of subject.

Tonight at dinner, Justin could tell I was thinking about it and he just reached over and touched my shoulder and said "I'm sorry."

That was the nicest thing anyone could've done.

No stories. No avoiding. Just a recognition of an event. No fake show of emotion. Just real.

That's all we need. Maybe even a hug.

It's a weird in-between right now. He hasn't passed, but he is going to. We don't know when, we just know it's coming.

It's the worst wait ever.

I don't want this.


  1. I've only been an adult for a little bit, but I've already decided that I am over this whole people-dying concept. Surely this isn't the ONLY available option. Yeah?
    I'll look into it.

    I love you.
    PS Justin is great to have around at times of hurt.

  2. Oh, Libby. Your comment made me laugh SO HARD!!

    Thank you!