Been fighting things that I can't see
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?
I've been awake for an hour or so
Checking for a pulse but I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a ghost?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive
I come alive when I hear you singing
But lately I haven't been hearing a thing and
I get the feeling that I'm in between
A machine and a man who only looks like me
I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive
I'm always close but I'm never enough
I'm always in like but I'm never in love
I get so down but I won't give up
I get slowed down but I won't give up
Been fighting things that I can't see
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive
I want to thrive not just survive
Switchfoot, get out of my brain.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
I Don't Want This.
Death is a weird thing.
No one wants it to happen, but it will find us all of us eventually.
Most of us plan to keep it at bay for a very long time and do everything in our power to avoid it. Some of us look forward to it and some of us hasten it ourselves.
Either way, it's an unpleasant subject.
As I write this, my Papaw is laying in his bed in his room in a nursing home in Valley Mills, Texas. He is dying.
He's 90 years old and he's lived a good life. He's ready to go home, but I'm selfish. I'm not ready for him to leave.
When we went down to see him this last August, I actually cried after leaving him. I was pretty sure it was the last time I'd ever see him.
I have no regrets. I told him I loved him and gave him a big hug before we left. (I remember when I was a little girl and I'd get ready to go to bed, he'd always say "Come give me some sugar." when he wanted a goodnight hug and kiss.)
I just don't want this to happen. I know I can't change it, but it hurts my heart.
I haven't told anyone just how serious it is yet. (Well, I told Justin because he was my +1 to my work Christmas party. HE IS MY HERO, btw.)
Death is one thing people don't know how to deal with. It makes people uncomfortable.
I mean, you don't just call people up and say "Sooooo...my Papaw's dying."
It either looks like you're crying out for attention. "PLEASE! PITY ME! I HAVE A FAMILY MEMBER WHO IS ON THE EDGE OF DEATH!"
Or you get a story from someone "Oh, yeah. That happened to my great aunt's cousin's mother in-law. She stubbed her toe and we thought she was going to die."
Or you get no reaction at all along with a change of subject.
Tonight at dinner, Justin could tell I was thinking about it and he just reached over and touched my shoulder and said "I'm sorry."
That was the nicest thing anyone could've done.
No stories. No avoiding. Just a recognition of an event. No fake show of emotion. Just real.
That's all we need. Maybe even a hug.
It's a weird in-between right now. He hasn't passed, but he is going to. We don't know when, we just know it's coming.
It's the worst wait ever.
I don't want this.
No one wants it to happen, but it will find us all of us eventually.
Most of us plan to keep it at bay for a very long time and do everything in our power to avoid it. Some of us look forward to it and some of us hasten it ourselves.
Either way, it's an unpleasant subject.
As I write this, my Papaw is laying in his bed in his room in a nursing home in Valley Mills, Texas. He is dying.
He's 90 years old and he's lived a good life. He's ready to go home, but I'm selfish. I'm not ready for him to leave.
When we went down to see him this last August, I actually cried after leaving him. I was pretty sure it was the last time I'd ever see him.
I have no regrets. I told him I loved him and gave him a big hug before we left. (I remember when I was a little girl and I'd get ready to go to bed, he'd always say "Come give me some sugar." when he wanted a goodnight hug and kiss.)
I just don't want this to happen. I know I can't change it, but it hurts my heart.
I haven't told anyone just how serious it is yet. (Well, I told Justin because he was my +1 to my work Christmas party. HE IS MY HERO, btw.)
Death is one thing people don't know how to deal with. It makes people uncomfortable.
I mean, you don't just call people up and say "Sooooo...my Papaw's dying."
It either looks like you're crying out for attention. "PLEASE! PITY ME! I HAVE A FAMILY MEMBER WHO IS ON THE EDGE OF DEATH!"
Or you get a story from someone "Oh, yeah. That happened to my great aunt's cousin's mother in-law. She stubbed her toe and we thought she was going to die."
Or you get no reaction at all along with a change of subject.
Tonight at dinner, Justin could tell I was thinking about it and he just reached over and touched my shoulder and said "I'm sorry."
That was the nicest thing anyone could've done.
No stories. No avoiding. Just a recognition of an event. No fake show of emotion. Just real.
That's all we need. Maybe even a hug.
It's a weird in-between right now. He hasn't passed, but he is going to. We don't know when, we just know it's coming.
It's the worst wait ever.
I don't want this.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
A Little Bit of Christmas Magic.
Today, I'm going to do something that I do not ordinarily do. AT ALL.
I am going to share a page from my private, written journal. Don't get used to it. A girl has to keep SOME things to herself, but I am feeling overwhelmingly sappy today for a reason unbeknownst to me. (The names have been changed to protect the innocent.)
Thursday, Dec. 8, 2011
My eyes welled up with tears three times today.
1) A little disabled boy that I remember from when I worked at the eye Dr. came into the store today. He must've been about 3-4 yrs old back then, so he's probably 8-9 now. Then, I didn't even know if he'd ever walk, but today he was purshing a shopping cart that had crutches in it. His name is Tim.
Today was our Christmas Open House and we had Santa stop by.
When Tim saw Santa, he just took off as fast as he could and ran into Santa's arms with one of the biggest hugs I've ever seen. A hug which Santa returned with just as much enthusiasm. Man. The look on Tim's face. It was absolutely priceless. I can't even put into words how wonderful it was.
2) The Salvation Army donation collecters were singing "We Three Kings" as I walked to my car to go home for the night. It was beautiful, and the moon was just starting to peek out from behind some clouds.
3) "Where Are You, Christmas?" was on the radio for my drive home. I've felt like Charlie Brown lately.
I just want some Christmas magic back. Today, I tasted a bit. I want even more.
(Greedy, I know.)
I am going to share a page from my private, written journal. Don't get used to it. A girl has to keep SOME things to herself, but I am feeling overwhelmingly sappy today for a reason unbeknownst to me. (The names have been changed to protect the innocent.)
Thursday, Dec. 8, 2011
My eyes welled up with tears three times today.
1) A little disabled boy that I remember from when I worked at the eye Dr. came into the store today. He must've been about 3-4 yrs old back then, so he's probably 8-9 now. Then, I didn't even know if he'd ever walk, but today he was purshing a shopping cart that had crutches in it. His name is Tim.
Today was our Christmas Open House and we had Santa stop by.
When Tim saw Santa, he just took off as fast as he could and ran into Santa's arms with one of the biggest hugs I've ever seen. A hug which Santa returned with just as much enthusiasm. Man. The look on Tim's face. It was absolutely priceless. I can't even put into words how wonderful it was.
2) The Salvation Army donation collecters were singing "We Three Kings" as I walked to my car to go home for the night. It was beautiful, and the moon was just starting to peek out from behind some clouds.
3) "Where Are You, Christmas?" was on the radio for my drive home. I've felt like Charlie Brown lately.
I just want some Christmas magic back. Today, I tasted a bit. I want even more.
(Greedy, I know.)
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Ok, Fine.
My Mom won.
I deleted my POF account.
Bumzors.
I'll just have to find Frank's long lost twin face to face, somehow.
(My final tally was 47 messages.)
I deleted my POF account.
Bumzors.
I'll just have to find Frank's long lost twin face to face, somehow.
(My final tally was 47 messages.)
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Adventures in Plenty of Fish!!
Ok. So, I always say I'm not going to do online dating. And yes, I have no intention of doing so...
But I have a stomach bug and Kristin's gone and I'm bored.
Enter Plentyoffish.com
As a single person who is sometimes saddened by their "single" status, I decided to see what's out there.
Answer? Not a whole lot. (Translation: "There are lots of guys to choose from, but I am not impressed so far.") Frank Iero's long lost twin is nowhere to be found.
I also decided to conduct a test. I've tried eharmony a few times. I even tried POF one time before. I poured my heart out(ish) into my profiles and selecting just the right pictures.
This time, I wrote four poorly constructed sentences and just put up one picture.
(This picture.)
So obviously, I was prepared for some interesting responses.
Within (literally) sixty seconds, I already had two inbox messages. (I'm twenty minutes into the experiment and I have six messages, which is already three times the amount I had any other time.) The subject lines tally as follows: one "Hello", three "Hi"s, one "hi" and one "no bs".
OOH! Two more "hi"s! BAZINGA!!
What do these lovely gentlemen have to say?
Um.... ok. Let's take some time out to cover some ground rules.
1) Capitalization and punctuation. (Not to mention proper use of the space bar.)
2) Really? You're going to call me a smartass right out of the gate?
3) I don't respond to demands to "hit me up".
4) You look like one of the guys that made a remark about my butt when I was at work this morning. AUTOMATIC DISQUALIFICATION!!
Nope. That's my cat.
(OOH! TWO CHAT REQUESTS! SCORE!!)
We will not get along. And it has nothing to do with your former location. It has EVERYTHING to do with the LSU cap on your head.
Did you not read the "ROLL TIDE ROLL!!" on my profile? Clearly this is not meant to be.
So. Many. Things. To. Say.
(OOOH! Another "Hi"!!)
And sometimes the messages aren't so terrible...But the profiles are.
Three paragraphs about how nice guys finish last and all girls are bishes? Oh dear. Also, you have a large gun.
Annnnd close match.
Le Sigh.
(Is it bad to disqualify someone based on their username? Yeah... that's probably bad.)
TO BE CONTINUED...
But I have a stomach bug and Kristin's gone and I'm bored.
Enter Plentyoffish.com
As a single person who is sometimes saddened by their "single" status, I decided to see what's out there.
Answer? Not a whole lot. (Translation: "There are lots of guys to choose from, but I am not impressed so far.") Frank Iero's long lost twin is nowhere to be found.
I also decided to conduct a test. I've tried eharmony a few times. I even tried POF one time before. I poured my heart out(ish) into my profiles and selecting just the right pictures.
This time, I wrote four poorly constructed sentences and just put up one picture.
(This picture.)
So obviously, I was prepared for some interesting responses.
Within (literally) sixty seconds, I already had two inbox messages. (I'm twenty minutes into the experiment and I have six messages, which is already three times the amount I had any other time.) The subject lines tally as follows: one "Hello", three "Hi"s, one "hi" and one "no bs".
OOH! Two more "hi"s! BAZINGA!!
What do these lovely gentlemen have to say?
Um.... ok. Let's take some time out to cover some ground rules.
1) Capitalization and punctuation. (Not to mention proper use of the space bar.)
2) Really? You're going to call me a smartass right out of the gate?
3) I don't respond to demands to "hit me up".
4) You look like one of the guys that made a remark about my butt when I was at work this morning. AUTOMATIC DISQUALIFICATION!!
Nope. That's my cat.
(OOH! TWO CHAT REQUESTS! SCORE!!)
We will not get along. And it has nothing to do with your former location. It has EVERYTHING to do with the LSU cap on your head.
Did you not read the "ROLL TIDE ROLL!!" on my profile? Clearly this is not meant to be.
So. Many. Things. To. Say.
(OOOH! Another "Hi"!!)
And sometimes the messages aren't so terrible...But the profiles are.
Three paragraphs about how nice guys finish last and all girls are bishes? Oh dear. Also, you have a large gun.
Annnnd close match.
Le Sigh.
(Is it bad to disqualify someone based on their username? Yeah... that's probably bad.)
TO BE CONTINUED...
Sunday, November 27, 2011
For the Holidays, You Can't Beat Home Sweet Home
I am at "home" at my Mom and Dad's. I've been here since Wednesday night (it's Sunday morning) and so far, no one has murdered anyone.
GO TEAM!!
Actually, we all get along pretty well. (You may remember that Bill and I were homeschooled. Nothing makes a family learn to get along like being together 24/7 for a bazillion years.)
This year has been kind of a different year. I mean in terms of my own healing time. You would think 2 years after a divorce it'd all be out of your system but I guess like all gaping wounds, different peoples is different.
My crash course in getting over things started about a week ago when I saw my ex in-laws as I was working. Yikes. I didn't have time to hit the deck, so I was a nice person and waved. Ex-mom waved back but I don't think they were very happy to see me.
< sarcasm > Obviously, I was crushed. < /end sarcasm >
I saw them AGAIN as they were checking out on Wednesday but this time they adopted the "Let's just ignore the fact that the whore of Babylon even exists" approach.
What's in the past is in the past. And I'll be chicken fried if I let 5 years of my life ruin the present and future part of my life. I can't go around wondering what could have happened. Lots of things COULD have happened. But they DIDN'T. And I HIGHLY doubt things would've gotten BETTER as time went on.
But when you're a girl and it was your "first love" (whatever the heck that means) you tend to try to sugar coat things.
Let's get real, shall we? (Out with the sugar, in with the arsenic.)
K. Did it.
This year, instead of moping and wondering what my ex was up to, I LIVED MY LIFE.
I soaked up the family I neglected for years.
We ate food.
We played games.
I learned valuable information about Alabama's 2012 schedule.
(Michigan is the ex's favorite team)
I left my computer unattended.
Oh yeah, and this happened:
It was a fantastic weekend and so many fun times were had. I can't wait to see what happens next.
Hope everyone's Thanksgiving was truly splendid!!!
Go in excellence and safety.
Love,
Me
GO TEAM!!
Actually, we all get along pretty well. (You may remember that Bill and I were homeschooled. Nothing makes a family learn to get along like being together 24/7 for a bazillion years.)
This year has been kind of a different year. I mean in terms of my own healing time. You would think 2 years after a divorce it'd all be out of your system but I guess like all gaping wounds, different peoples is different.
My crash course in getting over things started about a week ago when I saw my ex in-laws as I was working. Yikes. I didn't have time to hit the deck, so I was a nice person and waved. Ex-mom waved back but I don't think they were very happy to see me.
< sarcasm > Obviously, I was crushed. < /end sarcasm >
I saw them AGAIN as they were checking out on Wednesday but this time they adopted the "Let's just ignore the fact that the whore of Babylon even exists" approach.
What's in the past is in the past. And I'll be chicken fried if I let 5 years of my life ruin the present and future part of my life. I can't go around wondering what could have happened. Lots of things COULD have happened. But they DIDN'T. And I HIGHLY doubt things would've gotten BETTER as time went on.
But when you're a girl and it was your "first love" (whatever the heck that means) you tend to try to sugar coat things.
Let's get real, shall we? (Out with the sugar, in with the arsenic.)
K. Did it.
This year, instead of moping and wondering what my ex was up to, I LIVED MY LIFE.
I soaked up the family I neglected for years.
We ate food.
We played games.
I learned valuable information about Alabama's 2012 schedule.
(Michigan is the ex's favorite team)
I left my computer unattended.
Oh yeah, and this happened:
It was a fantastic weekend and so many fun times were had. I can't wait to see what happens next.
Hope everyone's Thanksgiving was truly splendid!!!
Go in excellence and safety.
Love,
Me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)